Mac. That name I know for sure. He’s one of the men Gabe and his friends killed on Athena’s orders. One of the men I witnessed getting shot in the head, execution style because he was following my father’s orders. In fact, I believe that’s who Gabriel shot himself if I recall correctly. I swallow hard.
Glancing back once more, I give the little grey-eyed boy another smile. “It’s nice to meet you, Parker. I’m sure we’re going to have a wonderful day.”
He nods solemnly, and my heart aches.Has he always been this reserved? Or is this because his dad is gone? His life has been turned upside down?
We don’t drive far before coming upon a small housing development nearer the outskirts of town. In the center is a tiny playground with a wide-open field next to it and a tiny hill that might make a perfect spot for sledding, should anyone have the resources for it.
We all pile out of the car, the kids leaping excitedly from Max’s back seat and Stephanie joining them enthusiastically as they make a mad dash for the snow. Max’s little boy totters behind at a slower pace, still working on his running, and Parker sticks more closely to the boy, his gait more cautious.
“Snow angels!” Stephanie cries, falling back into the snow and demonstrating.
The two girls behind her giggle and follow suit, their puffy, brightly colored jackets making them look like giant squares of sugary cereal in a bowl of milk. As Max, Jada, Starla, and I gather to watch, we all chuckle.
“What do you say we make a snowman?” Starla suggests as Nicky and Parker reach the girls.
“Yeah!” comes a loud chorus.
We all pitch in, Starla and I helping Stephanie and the little blonde girl named Gabriella pack and roll the largest snowball that’s supposed to become the snowman’s foundation. The girls chatter away happily as we get to work, and I find it somehow therapeutic to be a part of something so innocent and childish as building a snowman.
The cold stings my cheeks and nose, but I can’t help smiling as the girls giggle, slipping and stumbling around as they try to push the steadily growing ball up the hill toward a spot they’re sure has more snow than everywhere else. Not to be discouraged, Starla plays right along, giving the snowball a helpful nudge anytime they get stuck and shouting encouragement.
It seems Max is working on the head of the snowman, packing together a tinier ball alongside her son, and Jada’s helping Gabriella’s little sister, Emily, with the snowman’s torso. For a moment, my heart stutters as I realize Parker’s not with any of the adults. But when I spot him, my shoulders relax. He’s sitting off a short way away, scooping snow into a miniature snowman of his own.
Smiling at the boy’s independence, I slowly approach him. “Are you making a little friend for our snowman?” I ask, crouching down beside him.
He shakes his head solemnly. “This will be his son,” he explains matter-of-factly.
I don’t know why that brings tears to my eyes. Perhaps because I know Parker’s own father won’t be around to see his son grow. Sniffing back my suddenly runny nose, I scoot closer. “Can I help?”
Parker shrugs. “Sure.”
Scooping snow around me, I pack it onto the little snowman’s foundation and round it out, then go for more. “How old are you, Parker?” I ask, trying to fill the silence.
“Four and three-quarters,” he says simply.
What a child’s answer, counting each section of the year to bring him closer to growing up. It warms my heart some to know he’s still got some innocence despite his loss.
“Do you go to school?”
He shakes his head, then pauses. “But now that Mom has a job, I spend a lot of time at Grandma’s. And she’s always going on about learning my numbers.”
That draws a chuckle from me. “Sounds like a smart lady. Numbers are important to learn.”
“I can count to a hundred!” Parker says, his grey eyes lighting up with the first bit of enthusiasm I’ve seen from him.
“Really?” I pour as much excitement as I can into my tone because, while that seems like it would be an impressive feat for a boy his age, I’m just glad he’s opening up to me.
“Want to hear?”
“Definitely.” I give him an encouraging smile, and he starts right in.
“One… two… three….”
I listen contentedly, enjoying my time with Parker and playing in the snow. He continues to count with a determination that only endears me to him further. I find my mind wandering to the little life growing in my belly. Glancing around at the other little groups working on their own parts for the snowman, I smile warmly. Max seems completely enamored with her own son, who can’t seem to grasp the concept of push and roll, and she laughs heartily as she sets him back on his feet once again. Starla and Jada seem just as wrapped up in the moment, both playing with the little girls as though they were children themselves or the girls’ mothers.
Pressing a hand subconsciously to my belly, I think about how this could be the kind of life I might have if I kept the baby. It’s so fun and happy and sweet; I find myself lost in the joy of the day despite my current circumstances. Somehow, I could see Gabriel and me doing this with our own child, taking them out to sled down snowy hills and make snow angels. An image of Gabriel holding a little girl in his arms sends warmth flooding into my chest. I can only imagine how protective he would be of our child if he’s already as protective as he is over me.
Then my gaze turns back to Parker, still counting with only a few skipped or repeated numbers as he crosses his halfway point to one hundred. Because of the dangerous lives the Devil’s Sons lead, this boy is left fatherless. And I know Gabriel. He doesn’t want to leave the club. This is his life. Dangerous. If I let myself commit to him, to keep this child, I could lose Gabe. Our baby could lose him. A deep sadness fills me at the thought of my child growing up like Parker, without their father. I’m not sure I can handle that.