“Have you spoken to anyone about your pregnancy outside this clinic?”
I shake my head, looking into my lap. “I—I’m not sure how my….” I falter as I search for what to call Gabriel. It feels as though we’re not truly a couple, and yet we’re tied more closely than any small title might indicate. Still, it’s more important to tell the story, so I land on a conventional term that will have to do. “How my boyfriend would react, and I already have my mind made up. I don’t want him to try and change it—not that I know he would. In fact, he probably would agree with my choice. I just… I need to do this for myself.” Twisting my fingers in my lap, I have the sudden overwhelming urge to tell this doctor everything. She is a doctor, after all. She legally can’t tell anyone what I tell her.
Glancing up at her gentle expression, I’m struck with a sense of courage I hadn’t felt a moment before. “It’s a long story. But I’ve had a crazy few months. And I’m just not ready to have a child.”
“Would you like to tell me about it?” Dr. Hanson offers.
The offer is all the encouragement I need to begin. And when I do, I find that I’m unable to stop myself from speaking. This is the first person I’ve been able to be completely honest with, one of the only people I’ve had an opportunity to talk to besides Gabe. She’s the closest thing to normal that might fully understand my story and why I’m struggling.
“You see, on Halloween, I was in… a car accident,” I improvise because I know I can’t tell her about Blackmoor’s secret society or the ritual where I sustained my injury. I don’t want her to commit me to an asylum or something. “My family all died in the wreck, and I lost all my memories.”
“I’m sorry for your loss,” the doctor says, her expression solemn.
“Thank you.” I don’t know why, but hearing those words brings a sharp stab of emotion to my chest. She might be the first person to acknowledge my loss in a real, genuine way, with no prejudice or hidden motives tied in. Tears sting the back of my eyes, and I blink them away. “Anyway, my…” I can’t tell her that Gabe was my stalker either. That would send up red flags and draw far too much attention to my situation. “Well, he was my ex-boyfriend at the time, the one I’m currently dating. He found me in the wreckage. He saved my life and took me home to care for me. But I didn’t know him. I couldn’t remember him, where I was, or even who I was.”
Dr. Hanson nods silently, a cue to indicate she’s listening without interrupting.
“I think he didn’t have the heart to tell me about my parents, and he didn’t want to reveal our past. Probably because he was afraid I would want to leave again if I remembered… why I didn’t want to be with him.” For the first time, I realize that might actually be a contributing factor to why Gabriel kept my identity from me. Yes, it was to protect me from Athena and the Blackmoor heirs. But perhaps Gabriel didn’t tell me who I was because he knew I would look down on him if I remembered the real me. Rather than the typical flare of irritation I feel when thinking back on why he hid so much from me, I find my chest constricting with emotion.
Clearing my throat, I push the thought aside to continue my story. Now that I’m saying it, it feels really good to be telling someone about what happened, at least for the most part. I haven’t had anyone to talk to outside the club, and with each word, I feel a weight lifting from my shoulders.
“While he cared for me, I found myself falling for him, seeing him for all his good qualities without remembering what I might not like about him. We were getting really close. I met his family, and they’re… well, unconventional, but so many of them were kind to me. And then, one day, my memories started to come back. I remembered everything, the… car accident, the life I lived before it… and suddenly, I remembered who my boyfriend was too.”
Glancing down at my hands in my lap, I start to pick at the ripped fabric of my jeans. “I lost sight of the good things about him as soon as I remembered. Because… well, because he’s a biker. And as much as I care about him, that’s a very rough and dangerous lifestyle. I’m just not sure that it’s the right life for me. We started fighting about it a lot, and I was pretty sure I wanted to leave. But every time I seriously consider it, I feel as though it would rip my heart from my chest.”
I shake my head as a tear tracks down my cheek. “I don’t know. I’m not sure what I want to do when it comes to Ga—my boyfriend. But I don’t think I’m ready to start a family with him. Hell, I don’t even think I’m ready to make the decision to stay with him. Besides, like I said, he’s a biker. He probably doesn’t even want the baby anyway.” Another tear tracks down my cheek, but even so, I feel a deep sense of relief at having told someone about my life and struggles. Telling her doesn’t help me feel more confident in my decision to be here today, but at least it feels good to talk to someone.
The doctor studies me for several long moments in silence. Then she reaches forward and grasps my hand, giving it a supportive squeeze. “I think you’ve been through a lot. And I’m impressed by your resilience and the amount of consideration you’ve put into this decision, considering you just found out two days ago. I can see why you feel you’re not ready to start a family. And if this is your decision, I support you wholeheartedly. This is a decision that you can’t change your mind about once the procedure is done, so I just want to be sure. Have you considered all your options? Not just to keep the baby but to put it up for adoption?”
I’m not entirely sure of my decision. But I do know this is my best option. This is the only way I can make my life make sense once more.If I don’t do this, then where will I be?Trapped in a life I don’t know that I can live with a man who may not live long enough to help me raise this child anyway. I just can’t take that risk.
“I have, and I’m sure,” I say, swallowing to try and relieve the bitterness of my lie.
Dr. Hanson studies my face and then gives a gentle nod. “Then I will let the doctor know you’re ready. Let me walk you back to the waiting room. She will call you in once more when the room is set up for you.”
I nod and rise from my chair, my chin quivering ever so slightly as I follow the kind counselor from the room. Taking a steadying breath, I thank her and head back toward the same seat I was in before. Slumping into the chair, I lean my head back against the wall and do my best not to cry. But I feel absolutely miserable. If only I could wipe my memory of this, that would be the kind of memory I would love to forget.
10
Gabriel
It’s freezingoutside as we clean up the yard and back shed for the clubhouse. No one came out to deal with the empty beer cans and trash from Christmas, so it’s been blown about and covered in snow until it’s nearly impossible to get them uncovered and thrown into our respective trash bags without having to dig them free and yank them from the remaining ice.
I can tell from the way the guys grumble as they work that they’re not happy with the scenario either, and it comes as a great relief when we finally make it to the shed. Of course, we haven’t been in here since the night we killed Mac, Cage, and the others for raping Athena and leaving her for dead. Not that I condone their behavior, but they were just following orders. Just like we were when we shot them dead.
Thankfully, the bodies are gone, and the floor’s been scrubbed clean, so I don’t have to see the evidence of my guilt for killing a club brother. The wood still has a faintly pink tint that couldn’t be washed out, and as we clean, it only seems to get more prominent. Or maybe it’s my imagination.
The room feels tense as we clean in silence. I’m not sure if it’s because of lingering resentment over our fight or if the guys are struggling with having killed members of the Devil’s Sons like I am.
Dally and I end up working on the same area as we sweep up the dead leaves that blew into the shed and haven’t been dealt with yet.
“Hey, I’m sorry for saying anything about Winter. I didn’t… get it. I mean, no one ever hands over their girl unless they’re done with her,” Dallas says, glancing up at me as he pauses his cleaning.
I frown, unsure that I’m ready to go back into this with him. I know he just apologized, but I’m still touchy about it, and I don’t want to start another fight while trying to resolve it. At the same time, I don’t want to keep any distance between my friend and me if he’s willing to move past it.
“I know. But I had nothing else to give. I get that you guys are putting a lot on the line to keep her safe, and….” I can’t bring myself to mention why I handed Winter over in the first place. Not that I think they’ve forgotten how stupid she was being, but if I say it out loud, somehow that makes it feel more exposed.
“Look, man, I know we give you shit and all, but we always have your back,” Knuckles says, pausing to join the conversation.