It’s the calmest and most sincere I think I’ve ever heard him, and slowly, I close my mouth, watching him as he takes a breath.
“I’ve been wrong, Saoirse. You and your father plotted to bring me back here, that’s true. You tricked me and manipulated me at first. But you aren’t responsible for the choices Liam made that put him in the position for you to use that against me in the first place. You didn’t force me to come back. I made a choice, and I need to own up to that. I could have refused. All you did was bring me information and offer me a decision, which I made. That’s on me, not you, and it was wrong of me to take it out on you.”
I’m so astonished that I don’t even know what to say. “I—thank you,” I manage, but he’s not finished.
“I’ve been fighting how I felt about you for a long time, Saoirse. I think you’ve been fighting those same feelings too. We’re both prideful and stubborn, but I shouldn’t have used it against you. I’ve played with your emotions and desire and taken pleasure in it. It’s fun, I’ll admit, when we’re both playing the game. But you haven’t always been playing. That, too, was wrong. I’ve been cold, used you, and intentionally hurt you emotionally to protect myself, and I’ve made excuses for it the whole way. I all but pushed you into Niall’s arms and then punished you for it.” He pauses.
“I was at a club tonight with Viktor, Levin, and Alessio. Ididtake a woman upstairs. We played a little, I—I flogged her.” His cheekbones redden a little as he says it as if it’s hard for him to admit somehow. “But when it came time to go further, I couldn’t. That wasn’t a lie, Saoirse. I didn’t want her. I didn’t want her to touch me. I tried to jerk off after she left, just to get some relief, but I couldn’t even finish like that. Ineededyou. I felt like an animal, half-crazed, desperate to get back to you. And that’s when I knew I couldn’t keep fighting the truth.”
My heart is racing. I can’t speak, can’t think, can’t let myself believe that this has taken this particular turn. I’m afraid to trust him—and at the same time, I want to so badly.
“I love you, Saoirse.” The words come out of his mouth, calm and sure and firm, and I feel dizzy. “I don’t expect you to forgive me, not right away, maybe not at all. I left the club tonight knowing I might have already lost my chance. That you might not want me anymore. That it might only ever be what we originally agreed upon. But I had to have you once more—like that. And I had to tell you the truth—that I love you. I don’t know since when, exactly. But I know my life has not been the same since you walked into my warehouse.Ihaven’t been the same. And I never will be again.”
My mind is spinning. It’s on the tip of my tongue to fight back, to make him grovel and beg, to tell him it’s not enough. That I can’t forgive him. And maybe I can’t yet, not entirely. But we can make a start of it.
Slowly, I reach for his hand. “It’s going to take time to repair things between us,” I say softly. “I’ve done things wrong too, Connor. I’ve been stubborn and prideful, too, reactionary. I haven’t handled our fights well. I’ve used your desire against you too. We’ve both made mistakes. But I—”
I suck in a breath, biting my lower lip. “I broke things off with Niall tonight. And I did it because I knew I have feelings for you—feelings that I needed to figure out. I’ve been so afraid of you breaking my heart that I haven’t been willing to admit it. I’ve fought against it hard. I used Niall to hurt you and to bandage myself, and I’m not proud of that. But I wanted to know what it felt like to be loved for myself—and deep down, I always wished it was you who felt that way about me.”
“I do.” Connor’s hand wraps around mine, his eyes so pleading and earnest that it’s hard to believe they belong to the same man who has hurt me so many times. “You’re nothing like the woman I remember from before, Saoirse, and it’s turned my world upside down. Since that first night, I haven’t been able to want anyone but you. It’s only been you. And I don’t know if there evercanbe anyone else, now. I’ve fucked up in so many ways, and not only with you. But I’ll spend the rest of our lives together trying to make you see that I can fix it. That I can love you the way you deserve, if you’ll give me a chance.”
He reaches out then, almost as if he can’t stop himself, his hand threading into my hair as he pulls me closer. “You’re strong, smart, and tenacious, Saoirse. You’re a woman any man would be proud to have at his side, one who anyone in my position should value as a partner, arealpartner. And that’s not even beginning to talk about how beautiful you are—”
I can’t stop the slow smile that starts to curve my lips. “If you keep that up, Connor McGregor, I’m going to think twice about how long I should make you grovel before I forgive you. I could get used to hearing all of that.”
“Good,” he growls, tugging me forward to kiss me, hot and slow and with all the passion I’ve longed for and none of the mocking. “Because I’m going to tell you as many times as I need to in order to make up for these past weeks, and then as many more as I can, for the rest of our lives.”
The temptation to lean into the kiss and a second round of what we just did is strong. But I remember the letter, and I pull back, glancing at him as I reach for the envelope.
“There’s something you need to see,” I say slowly, holding it out to him. “Caterina gave me this tonight. No one else has seen it—even she doesn’t know what’s in it. I brought it home and was going to give it to you as soon as you came back.” I look up at him, chin tilted slightly. “Even before all of this, I was going to share it with you, and only you—because I am your wife, Connor McGregor. And this life that we’re building together, whatever it is?”
I hold his gaze, seeing myself reflected back there. “It’soursand no one else’s.”
19
CONNOR
I’d thought I was going insane on the ride back to the estate. I’d barely managed to stop myself from jerking my cock out and stroking it in the back of the town car, just for the relief of touching it, until I could get home to Saoirse.
I hadn’t been able to stop myself once I’d seen her. I’d felt rabid, overcome with desire, and nothing could fix it until I’d been blissfully buried inside of her. Until I’d finally been able to come.
The way she’d thrown my demand back at me had only aroused me more. I’d told her to admit she was mine, and she’d made me say it first. I would have expected nothing less from her. And for the first time, I’d been happy to give in.
I can’t fight it anymore. Not my feelings for her, my desire, or the painful knowledge of how badly I’ve muddled every single goddamn thing in my life, starting with abandoning my family and finishing with coming back here to run my brother out of town and keep my wife at a cold arm’s length.
I’d thought I was doing right, every step of the way. I’d thought I was following logic, a code, doing what was best. But I’ve been wrong.
I’ve ignored the advice of others. Ignored my own intuition and heart. Stubbornly refused to bend to the point of nearly breaking.
I need to make up for all of it. And I can start here, with Saoirse. I don’t know if she fully trusts or forgives me, but I’m willing to give it time. I’m willing to give it as long as it takes.
She holds out the envelope that Caterina gave her, and I take it from her slowly. “What is it?” I look at her curiously. “What on earth could she have found—”
“Liam’s baby might not be his.” Saoirse bites her lower lip, looking at me. “He knows that it might not be—but not whose it is. I guess maybe they chose not to find out.”
I stare at her. “Saoirse, that’s insane. Are you sure? What makes you think—”
“Niall let it slip when we argued tonight. And then, right after, like some weird coincidence, Caterina called me as I was leaving and said she had something for me. She met up with me and gave me this.” Saoirse gestures toward the envelope. “She said it’s a paternity test result. She doesn’t know what it is, and she said she didn’t want to.”