“He doesn’t want to be in love. And he doesn’t want to have to be faithful to one woman—”
“Oh, cry me a river,” Maggie interrupts, rolling her eyes. “Says every man ever—”
“Let me finish. He wanted an understanding between us that I wouldn’t expect love or devotion from him or fidelity—just a partnership based on mutual understanding of our goals and building a family. Marriages have been built on less,” I remind her.
“Sure, but that doesn’t mean they were happy.” Maggie makes a face as she stabs a bite of the pancakes with her fork. “So what do you get out of this? Keeping his house and raising his brats while he gets his dick wet wherever he wants?”
“I’ll have staff, and I want children too,” I say wryly. “But no. He was surprisingly fair in his offer. Once I give him an heir, I can go on birth control and have lovers of my own until we decide we want another child. Connor will only bother me when I’m trying to get pregnant—his words, not mine,” I add.
Maggie frowns, leaning back and picking up her glass of Bloody Mary. “So let me get this straight. The two of you are exclusive for now until he knocks you up and you pop out a son for him, at which point you can fuck around with whoever you want as long as your children are Connor’s?”
I stifle a small laugh. “That’s a very blunt way of putting it, but basically, yes.”
“So why even get married?”
I shrug. “Alliances. Kings’ politics. Our duty to our families and their legacy—should I go on?”
“Please don’t.” Maggie looks faintly ill. “This all sounds positively medieval, Saoirse. But you know I’ve always thought that. So, what’s wrong, exactly? Have you changed your mind about the arrangement?”
“I—don’t know,” I say softly. “I thought I hadn’t. Connor has been really cold to me since the wedding—cruel even, sometimes…in words, not physical actions,” I add quickly. I don’t want Maggie to think he’s beating me. “But I told myself he was just keeping distance between us. That it was probably for the best. I even thought I knew who I’d want as a lover when I was done fulfilling my part in all of this. But now—”
“Wait.” Maggie grins. “Who? Is it someone I know?”
“Not—really. You might have seen him around when I was supposed to marry Liam. Liam’s best friend—Niall?”
Maggie smirks. “Oh, I remember him, tall, dark and gorgeous. Not a bad pick, Saoirse. Two of the hottest men in your orbit. Good job.”
I can’t help rolling my eyes at her. “He has—feelings for me, though. When they were all trapped in the warehouse yesterday, he texted me that he loved me. In case he didn’t get another chance.”
“Shit,” Maggie breathes softly. “That’s—intense.”
“I’m afraid he won’t be able to be happy just being someone on the side. Someone that I can’t ever give the full measure of my attention and devotion to, who will always have to come second to Connor and my family with him.”
Maggie shrugs. “That’s his choice to make, Saoirse. You’ve got enough on your plate without trying to make those decisions for him. If he says he’s fine with it, you should trust that, unless you don’twanthim to be in love with you.”
“It’s not even that. It’s balancing all my emotions. All my feelings about everything. I went to London to get Connor to marry me, fully intending for it to be a marriage of convenience—an arrangement and nothing more. I wasfinewith it until we started spending time around each other, and he was nothing like the Connor I remembered from before. And the sparks—”
Maggie smirks. “Sex is good, huh?”
“It’ssogood.” It actually feels good to admit that to someone else, I realize. To be able to tell someone how much I’m enjoying being with Connor, someone who won’t tease or mock me relentlessly for it.
“I always thought you were missing out on a lot, having to stay a virgin,” Maggie says frankly. “Sex isfun, Saoirse. Sometimes it’s sweet and emotional and intimate, sometimes it’s filthy and dirty and kinky, and sometimes it’s something in between, but as long as it’s good and consensual, it should always befun. There’s nothing wrong with enjoying it. Connor is yourhusband, for fuck’s sake,” she adds wryly. “You don’t even have to feel some kind of ingrained societal patriarchal guilt or whatever over liking it.”
I blush. “It’s not just that. It’s—well, the second thing you said. Not just good, but—”
“Kinky?” Maggie supplies with a grin, and I flush deeper.
“Yes,” I mumble, and she laughs.
“Girl, don’t feel bad! You’re in your twenties and finally getting railed. Enjoy it.”
I let out a frustrated sigh. “That’s the thing. It would be easier if Ididn’t. Once I get pregnant, that’s it. No more sex between us unless we’re trying to have another baby. That was part of the deal—that distance. Keeping things platonic between us so that emotions don’t get involved. There’s too much politics in our union for that—especially according to Connor. And so—I don’twantto love it as much as I do because I’m just going to lose that eventually. And even when I see Niall, when he kisses me or things heat up between us, it doesn’t feel like it does with Connor. I’m afraid he’s going to break my heart, and it’ll be all my fault.” That last comes out in a rush as I look at Maggie across the table, our cooling food between us.
“Hmm.” Maggie considers, pouring herself a little more Bloody Mary. “I think it might be more than just you wanting to fuck him then, Saoirse. You might be falling in love with your husband.” Her lips twitch as she says it, and I scowl, narrowing my eyes at her.
“I know this seems funny to you, but it’s not to me,” I say, a touch irritably. “I don’t know, that’s the problem! I’ve never even dated before, so I don’t know if this is just lust, that I’m being some clingy hormonal virgin, and the desire will wear off when we get bored with each other, like Connor says it will. Or if I’m really falling for him and setting myself up for heartbreak because he doesn’t feel the same way.”
“Are you sure he doesn’t?” Maggie frowns, reaching for another fry.