CHAPTER29
Icould see Gage's frustration and feel his anguish; it tore me up inside, knowing that this was my doing. I'd done this to him, to us. I selfishly wanted him to forgive me and go back to the way things were, as if none of this had happened. But was I being fair to him? Would I have been so quick to forgive him if the shoe were on the other foot?
I wanted so badly to hold onto him, but I loved him enough that if he needed me to, I would find the strength to let him go, although it would kill me to do it.
He said he wouldn't leave, but I was through being naive; there was a lot more at stake here. I had bruised his ego before the whole world and made him a laughing stock. How could I ask him to put that aside and take a chance on me?
The food his mother had brought sat on a tray untouched; I couldn't bring myself to eat though Gage had made me drink the herbal tea. Even now, he was still looking out for me.
Tiffany had come to the door earlier loaded down with shopping bags, which were now laid out across the bed.
For the last half hour, I had sat here in silence; Gage said we needed to take a break after my last episode. I wanted to be strong; I wanted to be the girl he fell in love with; I hated who I had become, what those pictures said about me.
I'd finally got up the courage to read some of my own press, and it was brutal. I don't think I could ever face the outside world again. I looked like a grade-A slut; some had gone so far as to call me that. It was deserved.
He'd told me about James and what he'd found, and I was flabbergasted. I couldn't get my head around it; two people that I'd trusted set out to harm me, but why? What was the purpose? I didn't have the answer.
Sitting here with nothing but my own thoughts to keep me company since Gage had disappeared, I took a good hard look at my situation; I was screwed, no two ways about it. It didn't matter that I felt guilty or that I was sorry; the damage had already been done, and now all that was left was to pick up the pieces.
I spent the next hour thinking things through, trying to work out the best solution for everyone. I kept coming back to Gage and what this had done to him in the public eye. He said he didn't care about that, but I know that wasn't true. Gage is a very private person; for someone who shined in front of the camera, he craved anonymity. I had opened his Pandora's box. I was certain of one thing, though, I could never survive without him, but could he without me? I couldn't accept that; we were made for each other, we belonged together, and no one should be able to take that way from us.
He came back not long after; his hair still wet from his shower, he'd gone down to the gym to work off some steam. He looked so good I wanted to jump him. It was the first time we were ever alone in a room together without touching in some small way. We were always very touchy-feely, like two sides to one coin. How could we move on from that?
"Come here."
He held his hands out to me, and I couldn't get to him fast enough. It felt so good to be held in his arms again.
"I've done some thinking; listen to me now. I'm gonna ask you some questions, and I need you to be as honest as you can, no bullshit, I won't get mad at you, no scratch that, I'll probably get mad, but I won't lash out at you for telling me the truth. Agreed?"
I nodded my head and geared myself up for what was to come.
"Did you at any time want out of our relationship?"
"No."
"Did you want to have an affair with Terry Poole?"
"Absolutely not."
"Are you stifled by our relationship?"
"No, Gage, I love our life together."
"Do you love me, Suzette, or do you love the character in a movie?"
"What, why would you? How could you even think that?"
"Ssh, ssh, we need this, okay? These are the questions we have to ask ourselves so we never come back here again." He drew me in tighter.
I drew in a deep breath," Okay, okay, you, it's Gage. I love not some character in a script."
" And you're sure you know the difference?"
"Yes, I know the difference."
"Do you see yourself spending the rest of your life with me? Think about that before you answer because if we do this, we're doing this forever."
"I don't need to think about it. I know what I want; if I've learned one thing from this whole nightmare, it's that I could never survive without you; you're my whole world, my everything; I love you." He kissed me.
I felt his lips on mine for the first time in forever, and it was the most amazing feeling in the world. We kissed as if our lives depended on it, my hands buried in his hair, his large hands cupping my ass the way he was so fond of. I felt his need for me against my Mons, my body reacting naturally to the stimulus. I wanted to cry and laugh at the same time, my head was swimming, and my heart was doing cartwheels. He pulled away slightly.
"I forgive you, Suzette."