I reached the outskirts of town before I realized where I was heading, and that I needed to call him.
“C’mon, Ayve, pick up,” I urged out loud as the ringtone filled my car through the Bluetooth system.
I wrung the steering wheel in a desperate attempt to stop myself from falling to pieces. Waterfalls of shattered fragments cascaded within my chest. The memory of those kids I’d abandoned in their greatest time of need shredded my heart into uncountable pieces. Thosemothersthrusting their children at me—fuckingbeggingme to take them—to save them—tore a sob from my throat.
I was disgusted at myself for leaving them to their fate, and so fucking angry that my job had forced my hand to do so. Their pleas and the desperation in their cries made me ill and consumed me with guilt.
I knew what it was like to be taken from my family. The terror and the loss of hope. But those kids never stood a goddamn chance.
Another sob left my chest, chased by an angry shout that echoed around my car.
“Fucking pick up, Avery!Fucking pick the fuck up,”I screamed, wrenching at the wheel to vent my frustration.
The car swerved violently. I should have cared, but I didn’t give a fuck if I crashed. The knowledge of who I’d let down, the little faces with stricken expressions, had me wheezing through another anxiety attack as tears streamed down my face.
When the phone call failed to connect, I tried calling him again. This time, six rings later, he finally answered breathlessly.
“Not a good time for a booty call, Hellcat. I’m in the middle of—”
I choked on a sob as his name spilled out. “Ayve.”
The call fell silent for a moment, and I thought I’d lost him.
When he spoke, undisguised worry colored his tone. “What’s going on, Hells?”
“Where are you?” I sniffed.
“At the Naval base. Why?”
“I, I— I…Fuck!”I screamed, still unable to find the strength or courage to ask for help in my greatest time of need.
“Babe, you’re scaring me. What happened?”
“I can’t talk over the phone.”
He sounded like he was already on the move. “Where are you?”
“Heading to your place.”
“Okay, fuck. I’ll meet you there. I just need to get approval to leave early. Hang tight, and I’ll be there as soon as I can.”
“Okay.” A soul-fracturing sob shook my entire body. “I love you.”
Avery hissed a sharp inhale, then steadied his earnest tone. “I fucking love you too, Hells.”
Having already showed too much weakness, I couldn’t bear the depth of emotion in his voice and it had me stabbing the disconnect button before I broke completely.
The journey to Avery’s apartment was a lost memory. I found a place to park on the street and cut the engine, then pushed through the front entrance and gunned for the elevator. Angrily stabbing the button countless times did nothing to hurry it up, so impatience had me rushing for the stairwell.
Out of sight from prying eyes, I took those steps two-by-two as fast as I could. Punishing my body helped force the focus away from the pain in my head to the burn in my legs. Each breath punched in and out, rippled with sobs that I couldn’t contain and didn’t know how to manage.
When I reached his floor, the self-discipline wasn’t enough, so I headed back down. I couldn’t bear standing still. Remaining in one spot gave the ghosts a chance to rise and taunt. Inactivity gave my mind time to think, to analyze every damn part of the mission, and that meant those kids’ little faces and those mothers’ cries became inescapable.
Reaching the ground floor again, I pivoted on the landing and pumped my arms and legs as I ran back up. It helped.
When I passed the first level, my sobs had eased. My muscles and lungs began to burn and scream for mercy, exactly like I needed them to. My focus shifted to where each foot landed and the rhythm of my breath. I gritted my teeth and pushed harder, welcoming the hurt, the pain, the anguish as my calves knotted and quads cramped.
The second time I reached Avery’s floor, there was no question in my mind that I was going to turn my ass around and do it all over again. Growled curses left my mouth on every exhale, and when I pivoted on the ground floor landing once more, I felt the fight in my heart shift to dread.