This time, James knelt down and must have used all of his skills because he was gentle and caring. He pulled off his firefighter helmet, and my thoughts flipped to the dented, broken helmet on Bryce’s bookshelf. “That must have been scary for you. I bet you take pretty good care of your Mommy, don’t you?”
Lola nodded, and James looked up at me from his position on the floor. He wore the gear of a firefighter, but I knew from experience it was way too clean, and the jacket still had the creases where it had been folded and pulled from the box. Despite the inaccuracies, it was far too easy to imagine Bryce in James’s position, talking sweetly to a young child who called him when they were scared.
“Lola, I think it’s time for you to go back to bed.” I sent her trudging up the stairs of the set before turning back to the firefighter version of James. “I really am sorry,” I said, wrapping my robe around me tightly. My character would be self-conscious, and I wanted to portray that.
James stepped closer. “Is it true? About your nightmare?”
Oh, he was good. I tucked a piece of hair behind my ear and nodded. “It happens sometimes. But she shouldn’t call you about it. We’re okay.” I let the embarrassment and stubborn independence of my character show in my expression.
“I’ll keep you in my prayers,” James said. It sounded slightly forced, like it was something James would never say in real life. I waited to see if Ronny would want it redone, but he kept rolling.
The scene ended with several takes of close-up shots of James, trying to capture what Ronny called “tortured inability to fix the problem” and then shots of me leaning on the doorframe watching the firetruck drive away, the strobing red and white stage lights trying to replicate what would be shown in the cutaway scene of the engine driving into the dark night.
I let my longing for Bryce wash over me. Imagined it was him in the fire truck, leaving me behind. It didn’t matter that, in fact, it had been the other way around. I had left him. And now I regretted it. As much as I loved telling these stories and using my acting skills in a large-scale production that thousands of people would watch and enjoy… I wondered if I had made a mistake.
“That’s a wrap for today!” Ronny’s booming voice snapped me out of my thoughts, and the flashing lights faded as the tech crew shut things down.
“Incredible work, Krystal. You and James are great together. I think we ended up with exactly the lead actress we were meant to have.”
“Thanks, Ronny. I think so, too.” His words should have filled me with pride. I attempted a smile, but I knew it was halfhearted. Ronny didn’t seem to notice at all.
I ached with the desire to call Bryce and tell him about the film. I wanted to share all the laughable firefighter stereotypes they’d forced into the movie. I wanted to tell him how it felt to have the director compliment me directly and how much I missed him.
But I couldn’t call him.
Because I’d left. And everything he said about my decision to leave without a conversation was true. He deserved someone who could commit to him completely.
I’d chosen this instead.
We’d only been filming for a few days, and I was beginning to realize that if I had to choose this or Bryce, I’d made the wrong choice. Even with the praise of the director or the satisfaction of a scene well done, there was something missing.