A common stereotype among partnered queer ladies is the dreaded “lesbian bed death”—that is, the notion that queer ladies stop getting it on once they’ve merged. While I believe this is an “affliction” that happens to all couples in long-term relationships, and should hence be called “NO, YOU HAVE BED DEATH,” I will grant the notion that perhaps lesbians are too busy saving things—whales, rain forests, Jennifer Beals’s career—to focus on sex for any consistent amount of time. There are ways to avoid bed death, however. One example, as my ex-girlfriend pointed out, is to not refer to your partner’s vagina as “God’s refrigerator.” Below is a list for how to avoid bed death and keep the love alive!
Serve her breakfast in
bed. Tell her it’s not ’cause you
don’t own a table.
Leave a trail of rose
petals leading to her futon
mattress on the floor.
When your girlfriend’s ex
shows up at brunch, counsel her
with Etsy advice.
Take her out to fancy restaurants
“My love for you is
as limitless as breadsticks
at Olive Garden.”
COMMON REASONS A LESBIAN MAY SUDDENLY AND INEXPLICABLY CRY
A lesbian alone already has a WORLD OF FEELS. Add another lesbian into the mix and you’ve got the makings of every Mariah Carey song in existence. Or a lot of crying. Which is fine! Ritual face-wetting is healthy for us, probably. I don’t know, I’m not a doctor. If I were, it’d be weird that I was writing this book. Unless I lost a dare or something. In which case it would prove I either had really amazing friends or that my friends were assholes. Thank God I don’t have to think about situations like this, is what I’m saying! Otherwise I might cry. Also, the following are a few reasons you or your lady might find yourselves weeping.
The first-blush-of-love cry
It’s just amazing
how much she gets you after
only two short dates!
The first-blush-of-doubt cry
Ugh, it’s been two dates
and it’s like she doesn’t get
your essence at all!
The cry-because-she’s-crying cry
You feel sad because
she feels sad because: war, strife,
poverty, and Crocs.
The circular-reasoning cry
You feel sad because