realize your rebound has
dated your ex too.
Change your dildo’s name
to Obama. Have the
audacity to hope.
Have debates over
whether to use Obama
with new girls you meet.
When debate stalemates,
take Obama out. What a
solid listener.
In prayers, you ask
God why aren’t there a few
more gaydies on earth?
“Listen,” He replies.
“I’ve got my hands full right now
with Kristen Stewart.”
You stop praying and
rebounding with your dildo.
Back to therapy.
MY EX IS YOUR EX: THE UPS AND DOWNS OF BEING LOVERS AND FRIENDS AND EXES
Remember when Jay-Z wrote in his song—appropriately titled “99 Problems”—that he had “ninety-nine problems but a bitch ain’t one”? Well, as I mentioned earlier, lesbians have ninety-nine problems and ninety-eight of them are “bitches.” (The ninety-ninth problem is reconciling the rampant misogyny in rap lyrics with their super catchy beats.) This chapter will deal with common lesbian problems, such as the fact that 85 percent of us have the same haircut, how frequently we date our friends’ exes (it’s not a dating pool; it’s a dating puddle), how to differentiate a lesbian from a garden-variety hipster, and what to do if you are sleeping with a carbon copy of yourself.
SERIOUS, INSURMOUNTABLE LESBIAN PROBLEMS
A wheel good time
Some days, it seems the
only appreciation
comes from men in cars.
Netfux
We will endure the
crappiest movies to see