DELETING another unanswered email about her ex’s wedding was exactly what Carmela didn’t need when she kicked o her shoes and closed her front door. What kind of event planner worth her salt didn’t take the hint? She couldn’t be the only ex-spouse on Earth choosing the avoidant path.
All she wanted to do was bow out with a little dignity. No way in hell she was going, but saying no flat out made her look petty. Or worse, made her look like she still cared.
Couldn’t she be allowed to come o as apathetic and keep some dignity?
Popping a frozen Lean Cuisine into the microwave, she texted Liz.
CB: Jackie keeps harassing me about going to her freaking wedding. Well, I guess it’s technically her event planner, but at her behest, I’m sure.
LS: That succubus knows no bounds. Leave it to her to break your heart and then want you to celebrate her new love life. I feel bad for the poor soul she’s going to drain next.
Carmela chuckled. Liz had never liked Jackie and she could always count on her to understand.
LS: Why don’t you just decline and get it over with. You have too much going on to waste any energy on that woman.
She’s taken enough already. Get the dark cloud o of you.
CB: I just don’t want to look like a pathetic person who can’t move on after a divorce, you know? It’s been three years. I should be happy for her and able to watch her marry someone else.
LS: Maybe if she hadn’t treated you terribly, cheated on you, and picked up and left for greener pastures without so much as a word. AND THAT’S AFTER YOU FORGAVE HER!!
Carmela winced. Liz was right, of course. Jackie wasn’t the kind of person she’d even have been friends with if she hadn’t fallen in love with her first. Well. . . lust, but then later it was love. At least for her.
CB: I don’t want to be made a fool of twice. Ugh! I can just hear her telling people how she was the bigger person in inviting me, but I was too petty to accept.
LS: Who gives a single shit was she says? You’re not friends with anyone in her orbit anymore. Let her say whatever the hell she wants. Worry about yourself and your future. Looking in the past will bring you absolutely nothing but heartache.
When the microwave yelled at her, Carmela peeled back the film on her entree and poked at the broccoli with her fork. This wasn’t the future she’d ever envisioned. Eating alone while standing over the kitchen sink, contemplating all the bad choices that led her to such a lonely life. Her ex’s wedding was just the pièce de résistance.
Shaking o the doldrums, Carmela remembered a trick a therapist taught her years ago. A gratitude list. That usually helped pull her out of a funk. Liz was always at the top of her list because nothing in her life would’ve been possible without her. She was truly her guardian angel.
Health. Stability. New business prospects. A retirement account.
Carmela made a mental list as her stomach pain eased and her muscles relaxed. She was nearly calm when Rhiannon’s face appeared in her mind.
Is she on my gratitude list?
The thought wasn’t as alarming as it once would’ve been.
Despite her protestations, the woman had brought a new
light and energy into her life. She’d pushed Carmela out of her comfort zone and forced her to work a little harder.
Without her, they probably wouldn’t have gotten Yeardsley’s attention.
On the whole, Rhiannon had been a blessing. A great new colleague. If she could only just see her through the clear lens of professional association alone.
Resting her back against the kitchen counter, Carmela pressed her hands against her face. Not caring that it smeared her eye makeup. She wanted to look like the mess she felt.
Why can’t I stop thinking about her?
Images of Rhiannon’s face, determined and beautiful, flashed in her mind despite the barricade she’d tried to build against them. The ghost of her laugh echoed in her ears and squeezed her heart.
Hard questions pushed her like a playground bully. Do you really like her, or are you trying to make yourself feel better because you’re still sad you got dumped? You’re not any better than that gross agent just because you objectify her in your head rather than out loud.
Even as Carmela attacked herself, it didn’t ring true. Not entirely. Her attraction to Rhiannon wasn’t purely physical.
If it was, it wouldn’t scare the life out of her.