“It’s okay. I want all of you. I’m not going anywhere. The good. The bad. I’m not bailing.”
She squirted a dollop of the green tinted liquid into her hand. It was thick, with little bubbles, like a wrong-colored honey. Eden smushed her palms together and lifted her hands. She brought them to Jos’ damp hair and began to work the shampoo into the strands. Jos closed her eyes and didn’t so much sigh as she shuddered.
“I’ve spent my whole life fighting my own self and all my ghosts. I don’t know how to stop. I don’t know if I can stop. I have rules. Rules that have kept me alive. That kept me sane. Rules about not wanting anything. And you make me want to break them all.”
Eden’s hands froze and her heart snapped in two. Hope was a stupid, wild thing, and it reared and kicked inside her, battling to get out. She made her hands work again, lathering the shampoo. Jos’ eyes stayed closed. Her face was serene, which was the only indication she liked what Eden was doing.
“If you want to break those rules, you should break them.” There she was, giving advice again when she knew nothing. “If you want to lay it down, if you want to rest, then you should.”
I’ll be here. I’ll keep you safe.
“Peace,” Jos whimpered. “That sounds nice. But trite.”
“I’m not talking about peace.” Eden worked her fingers a little harder through the soft, soapy strands. “I’m talking about something we can find together.”
Jos froze. Her muscles tensed up, her fight or flight response going into overdrive, but Eden grasped her shoulders in her slippery, soapy hands and drew her close. She kissed her, tenderly and sweetly, until Jos relaxed. She melted, going soft against Eden. She directed them under the spray, massaging the water through Jos’ hair. Jos was softer than she’d ever been. A whimper escaped her throat at what Eden was doing. Their bodies pressed together, skin slick and hot.
All the strings of Eden’s heart were being plucked. She was like a finely turned harp. It was a lot for her, but for Jos, it must be unbearable. She wasn’t running. She was closing her eyes and melting into Eden’s touch, and she was staying.
“I was hurt by the people who were supposed to care about me. All of them. Every single one.”
Eden learned closer. She put her mouth at Jos’ collarbone and licked away the water, tasting her skin. “I’m sorry.” It was pathetic to not be able to find any other words. She found Jos’ eyes open, watching her. She cupped her face, her fingers feathering over her tapered jaw. “I will probably hurt you if we do this. Not intentionally. But abuse? I would never abuse you or break your trust. The good would outweigh the hurt by a thousand times, if it could be measured, but math was never something I was overly good at, so—”
Jos kissed Eden into silence. Her lips were warm and demanding and the painful cramp in Eden’s stomach coiled into desire instead.
“Instead of the stupid things I’ve said,” Eden whispered, breaking the kiss to grab the bottle of conditioner, “let me tell you what I know to be true. You are kind. So brave. You are beautiful. You understand the value of the smallest things. I can tell by how you’re blushing and
turning away from me that you don’t want to believe me, but I won’t let you do that.” She slicked her hands through Jos’ hair, starting at the ends first, then moving up until she massaged the roots, massaged her scalp. “You’re a survivor. I know that’s what everyone says, but it’s true. You’re on the other side of that shit now and you’re a treasure. Even if it takes years, I will personally make sure you learn to believe it. You were my hero, Josella Frank. You’re always going to be my hero.”
Eden gently moved Jos back under the water’s spray and used her hands to rinse out the conditioner. She let her do those things, not in surrender or because she was done fighting, but for some other reason entirely.
Eden bent down and reached behind Jos, shutting off the water. She pushed back the curtain and grabbed the fluffy purple towel off the rack. Jos sighed when the soft terrycloth hit her skin. Eden tucked the edges underneath Jos’ arms, then set her hands at her waist and guided her out of the tub.
“You’re sleeping here,” Eden said. Not commanding or authoritative, but also not a question. Jos nodded. She let Eden guide her to the bedroom, and it was a testament to how exhausted she must be that she wasn’t fighting it.
Eden pulled back the sheets and, stripping the towel away, tucked Jos between them. She used the towel on her own hair and wiped away most of the water droplets on her skin before she turned out the light and padded over to the bed. She slipped in beside Jos, who turned over on instinct and let Eden wrap her arm around her. She tucked her close, holding her.
She knew better than to think sleep would come. It wasn’t going to get there for either of them, but holding Jos like this was something Eden had never dreamed of. She’d never dreamed Jos would allow her to do it. It didn’t feel real, like she was swimming in and out of consciousness.
“I’m undone by you,” Jos said to the darkness. “I have no idea how to manage this.”
“Don’t manage it.” Eden’s arm tightened. She breathed in the tropical scent of Jos’ hair as she leaned in closer, resting her head on the same pillow. “Don’t stop it. We can figure it out together.”
“Together.” Jos tried the word, finding it unfamiliar, which made Eden ache even more furiously. “You don’t have to.”
“I absolutely don’t, but I want to.”
“You want the things I make you feel.” Jos stiffened. “It’s just a giddy crush.”
Eden splayed her fingers on Jos’ waist, turning her softly so that she had to face her. The room was dark, but not totally. The blinds were only so good and the lights from the living room and bathroom rushed through the cracks under the door and around it. The shadows on Jos’ face weren’t a trick of the light. Now that she was looking at her, Eden was ready.
“That’s not what I want. It’s not a crush. I want all of you. Every dark and dirty and gorgeous and beautiful bit. I am yours, Jos. Please let me want you.” It was some kind of miracle that her voice didn’t break before she got to the end, because her eyes welled up with tears.
Jos traced the path of the tears down Eden’s cheek as they fell, smoothing the droplets away with the pad of her thumb. She looked at Eden like she was a stranger, someone she was seeing for the first time.
“This is probably a mistake. Just a series of mistakes, one after the other, that we should stop.”
“No. Not us. This isn’t a mistake.”