Chapter 18
Jos
Jos had made it a point for so long not to feel anything that when she did, it was like a storm hitting, breaking over her all at once. Not just a regular storm, but a shit show of a storm with lightning, torrential rain, hail, snow, high winds—pretty much anything that could drop out of a sky was dropping on her.
She wasn’t just angry. She felt scalded. Like her rage had burned her up from the inside and left her hollowed out. That had passed during the first twenty minutes she’d spent driving around aimlessly. She was left with a numb sensation, but that passed too, and then she was all raw and exposed wounds. All the shit from her past was opening up. Eden’s words scorched through her, exposing scars that had never really healed at all.
Jos knew Eden was right. She knew it with every aimless block she passed, every mile she drove without a destination. She’d left the studio with the intention of going straight home, but somehow that hadn’t happened.
Everything was out there between them now, yet Eden was the one who had apologized to her. She set Jos straight. She had her number down to the very last freaking digit. Eden was the one person Jos had never been able to wall herself up against. She was the one person who made Jos feel like maybe all those walls weren’t even necessary.
When she was with Eden, Jos felt like she could be anything and anyone, but most importantly, she could just be herself, even when she wasn’t entirely familiar with who that was. She didn’t need to be the Josella Frank that the whole city and state and maybe even half the country thought they knew. She didn’t have to be the Jos Frank she’d created in her own head. She could just be Jos. And with Eden, just Jos was far more than enough. With Eden, Jos didn’t have to pretend. She had the crazy idea that if she told Eden everything, she’d somehow understand, even though she was cossetted and cherished from the moment she was born.
Jos gripped the wheel tight in both hands and let her eyes rove down the dark street. A lit-up sign caught her eye and she let out a small gasp. She’d never forget that little hole in the wall coffee shop where she’d met Eden for the first time. She was in Eden’s neighborhood without even realizing she’d driven there.
Of course I am. I knew I was coming here the whole time.
She hadn’t just been driving aimlessly. She’d been driving right for Eden. Maybe her whole life she’d been driving straight to Eden without even knowing it.
Over the past few weeks, some of Eden’s passions had clearly rubbed off on Jos, but it wasn’t just that. Jos didn’t want to let Eden go. Yes, she’d lied to her, but she’d been the one to storm out. She’d been the one to shut down and shut Eden out. That was what she did. It was what she was good at, even when she’d been the one to wrong someone and she should have been the one apologizing. Was she supposed to do that for the rest of her life? It was an utterly exhausting thought.
Eden had offered to follow Jos anywhere and everywhere.
And Jos had just flat out ignored that and walked away.
I have to make things right.
Jos had panicked. She was losing herself and she was afraid of losing Eden, which was silly and crazy because they weren’t together. And then Eden had said that she’d quit her job. That she’d go anywhere.
She could fall in love with me if I let her.
I could fall in love with her if I let myself.
Eden had accused Jos of not being happy, and she’d been one hundred percent right. The only thing Jos had wanted throughout her life, more than anything else, was to be loved. When she realized she didn’t know how to lov
e in return, she realized it was impossible. She’d built her whole life around denying the very thing she needed more than anything.
Before, it felt like she was being strong, that she was holding herself together, that she was forging ahead. Now, she wanted to laugh at herself. She wanted to cry. She wanted to change, and she wanted to try and she wanted to do something.
Jos pulled over at the curb beside a row of meters that were mostly empty. A set of ancient office buildings and an endless sea of convenience stores, tiny restaurants, and odd little shops lined the block. She left the car running and pulled her phone out of her purse. She didn’t know Eden’s address and she wasn’t going to call someone at the studio to ask for it. That would be too much of a risk, even if someone would have given it to her, and chances were they wouldn’t.
Thinking about risks made her burn with anger at Alden’s betrayal. Of all the stupid, sneaky things someone could come up with, it would have to be those photos. It would just have to freaking be that.
Jos would deal with that later. Right now, she couldn’t allow herself to be distracted. Her anger dissipated and she felt deflated. Her chest felt hollow and dangerously full all at the same time. It felt like there was no oxygen in her lungs and far too much.
She stared at her phone’s bright screen for a second before she brought up Eden’s name and sent her a text asking for her address.
A few seconds later, dots bounced at the bottom underneath the blue bubble with her message. She let out a small huff of laughter when Eden’s response came through: an emoji hand that was flipping someone off.
Jos typed another message. She told Eden that she wanted to come over and apologize.
Eden sent her another finger emoji.
There was no way Jos was taking no for answer. The one thing she hadn’t lost over the years was her persistence. She tried again. This time, she used the word please. Eden responded with two finger emojis. Jos wasn’t going to stop. She hit the call button and put her phone to her ear. She listened to the phone ring and ring, until it went to Eden’s voicemail.
Jos sighed. She didn’t know what to do or say. This was foreign territory for her. She sat there for a moment before she finally typed a text telling Eden that if she didn’t answer her, she was going to do something drastic.
The dots started bouncing right away and when Eden’s message came through, this time at least it wasn’t an emoji. Jos actually laughed when she read the message.