Eden wasn’t sure Jos was ready to talk about the nursery and everything else that had happened, but she couldn’t leave without trying. She didn’t want sex to be a distraction or a tool. She wanted it to be so much more than that. A connection.
“I know you don’t want to talk about it, but you’re going through something that was horrible and traumatic. You’re not okay. After what I heard today, I believe that can last a lifetime. I’ve seen people. People on the streets. People who have lost everything. I know you aren’t ever going to end up homeless, but I can see the same suffering and it’s horrible. I know that almost no one asks for help. I know you don’t want to ask for help, but do you think it’s more? I know you don’t talk about your past. The whole world knows that, and for some reason, they’ve left it alone. No one digs and digs and digs like they do to other people.”
“Maybe because there are juicier things to distract them. Or maybe I gave just enough that everyone was satisfied. People usually are, if you give them the bare facts. That’s all they ever want. If they have that, they feel like they know you. That they have some kind of ownership over you. Everyone knows I grew up in foster care. Am I messed up from that? Maybe. Do I need to talk to someone about it? No.”
“But what about…? Even if you don’t want to talk to a therapist about the miscarriage, maybe you should talk to someone else.”
“Who? The family that I don’t have?”
Jos was being purposely cruel because that was how she silenced people and pushed them away, but Eden wasn’t going to let it happen. She’d allowed Jos to have her way, to chase her out of her house last time. She wasn’t going to easily again, even if she couldn’t say why she was digging in her heels so firmly.
Because I’m stubborn. I’m not a quitter. Because I have a bleeding heart that wants to save everyone and help everyone.
It was more than that, but Eden couldn’t start to explain that to herself. It wasn’t the right time. This wasn’t about unpacking her own feelings.
“Friends?” Eden suggested softly.
Jos snorted. She turned her face to the window and looked at the gauzy fabric blinds. “I don’t really have friends. More like people I know and can stand for brief periods of time.”
“Because your job is your life.”
“Because people generally aren’t worthy of being trusted.”
Eden didn’t know if that was truth as Jos saw it, or if she was being baited into an argument. She didn’t rise to it either way. “You could tell me.”
Jos rolled off the bed, making a noise of disbelief low in her throat. “That might be the worst idea yet.”
“You showed me the nursery.”
“Because you were annoying me, and I thought it would make you shut up and leave.”
“Well, I didn’t. And you kissed me back. That aside, I’m here and you did show me, and you told me at the pub about it , so I know. If you’re going to talk to anyone about it, it might as well be me.”
Jos stormed to her walk-in closet and threw open the door. She stepped in, disappearing, and Eden held her breath. Maybe she’d pushed too hard. She would be soft and tender with anyone else, but Jos didn’t want that. Jos didn’t need that. Maybe soon. Maybe more than she knew. But not at the moment.
She appeared a few minutes later wearing leggings and a yellow tunic. Her hair was a mess and the clothes had been hastily thrown on, but in the glow of the lamp, she’d never looked more beautiful. Surprisingly, she was also wearing the most open, vulnerable expression that Eden had seen. Like she was close to admitting defeat. Not close to collapsing, or giving up, but letting someone else in.
Eden wrapped the sheet around herself and scrambled off the bed. Everyone made it look so easy in movies, but she’d wrapped herself so tight she could barely move her legs. She tried to take a step and tripped over the cloying excess of fabric, nearly launching her face right into the tallboy dresser a few feet from the bed. She righted herself and snatched up the sheet at the bottom, holding it on in one hand, and raised her head.
Jos’ brow was arched. The expression on her face told Eden she thought she looked ridiculous, but there was something soft there too. Something like reluctant affection.
They stood there, having a stare off to end all stare offs, until Jos folded her arms over her chest. “There’s nothing to say. I wanted a baby. I never thought I did, but then I decided that maybe I should before I couldn’t. My ex-wife, I thought she wanted a family too. It turned out that I talked her into it. There were things I thought were important. Things I thought I should do. I never wanted to do what everyone else was doing, but I did it anyway. Got married. Thought about children. I went through the IVF, and then things fell apart with me and my ex-wife.”
Eden didn’t know what to say. The best thing was probably not to say anything. She clung to the sheet, her chest caving in at the dead, flat tone Jos was using, and let her continue.
“The whole world knows that, though. I found out I was pregnant right after we decided we were separating. The baby was…I don’t know. It was something I thought I should do and experience, something I hadn’t done. I never really thought about what would come after. About being a mother. I thought I’d have it and then Sandra would stay home
and I’d go back to work. That I’d only take a few months off. That’s what she wanted. Security. A name. That’s why she married me. I always knew that. We made it work anyway. I wasn’t looking for love. We were compatible. I guess I convinced myself that was the same thing.”
“I’m sorry,” Eden whispered, because it felt right, and she was. Her parents might not have been perfect, and their money made things harder, not easier like everyone thought, but they were always a family. She knew what real love was. Growing up in foster care, had Jos ever known that? Not just the love of a parent, but the love of anyone?
Jos went on like she hadn’t heard Eden at all. She was looking through her now, like she was speaking to the air. “I got pregnant, and when I was three months along, I told a few people, who I felt obligated to tell. Things had changed and I was looking at taking maternity leave. The baby wasn’t Sandra’s. She never saw it that way and she didn’t want to be a part of that. It was just me and I actually wanted to be a mom. I was excited. I saw myself doing all those stupid things after. Those, what are they called?”
“Playdates? Or joining a nursery group? Hanging out with other moms?”
“Yes, all of that nonsense.” Jos’ hands curled into fists at her sides. “I wanted it. I could imagine myself actually doing it. I signed up for birthing classes, all that crap. I had someone come in and paint the nursery. I bought that furniture and I even put it together. I never get excited about anything. Not anymore. But I was excited about that.”
Eden had asked for this. She’d asked Jos to talk to her, but she never imagined she would open up like this. It was so sad. The things she was saying were heartbreaking, but she was saying them in a completely bored and detached tone, refusing to feel it, even if she was being brutally honest.