“I don’t want to lie. Ever. It’s not right. I want this to be right. I want this to be good, not tainted with having to sneak around. I don’t want this to have its basis in hurt and causing other people pain.”
“That’s not what I want either,” Neera said. “We’ll talk. Together. We’ll go slow if we need to go slow. I don’t want to lose this, Scarlet. I don’t want to lose you. You were it for me from the start. After we get through all the hard stuff, I want you to feel that and believe it. We’re not just great together like— like this.” Neera pointed between them, meaning the sex. “I want to be great with you in all ways.”
That seemed to scare Scarlet more than anything, and she wilted up against the wall a little, drawing in on herself. “That’s going to take some time,” she did manage to say.
“I’m not going anywhere,” Neera promised. “Even if I get that job. Even if things are rough. Even if it looks like we should quit because the whole world is against us. We do have to care about the details because it would be totally irresponsible not to care or at least consider them, but I’m not going to let that define me. I’m not a label and neither are you.”
Scarlet crossed her arms and gave Neera a fierce look, one that was mingled with humor, a tilt to her lips, and a frown all at the same time. “It’s fine to say that, but another thing to live it. Day by day. I think that’s the only way we can go for a long time.”
“Okay,” Neera agreed. “Because one day, we’ll reach a point where there has been so many day by days and all the hard stuff is behind us, and it will just be the future.”
“That’s idealistic.”
“I don’t know. I’m quite a realist, actually.” Neera gnawed at the inside of her cheek, then decided to just go for it. Scarlet knew everything else. “You’ve changed my entire life. You’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen and ever known, and I mean that in every way. You’re a good person. I’m in love with you, but I’ve never got a chance to love you until now. I plan on doing whatever it takes to honor this chance.” She couldn’t say anymore, because she felt like she was repeating herself and words wouldn’t make the difference.
Time would. Commitment would. Hard work would. Their combined decisions would. Also, her heart was swelling up way too much in her chest, cutting off her ability to breathe, let alone talk. Her eyes were stinging. Fresh tears sprang into Scarlet’s eyes and tracked down her cheeks in silvery, shining trails.
“I do believe in choice,” Scarlet whispered. “But this is an entirely new path for me, and I just need a minute to catch up.”
“Okay.” Neera understood that.
She couldn’t rush things. No matter how her heart was leaping with joy and singing and celebrating, Scarlet was still stumbling and raw and wounded in so many ways, and that tripped up Neera’s happiness. She wanted Scarlet to feel that kind of elation too, but there were still so many hurdles.
Scarlet had a different past. She’d had to hide who she really was from her family and maybe even from herself for years. She’d been married to a man, trapped in a marriage that was loveless, at least for the past number of years. She hadn’t even come out to her family yet. Now, she was risking everything. She was standing at a precipice and Neera was on the other side, a huge cavern between them, and Neera had no idea how to guide her over to safety except to construct a bridge for them to cross over whenever they wanted.
She didn’t want their relationship to be built on confusion, guilt, or fear. Scarlet was still stumbling. She hadn’t spent years loving Neera, at least not in that way. For her, she was the older one. She was the one who was supposed to set examples and guide, lead, and know better. She wasn’t supposed to fall in love, or lust, or even into the smallest amount of attraction, with her best friend’s daughter.
It would take time for Scarlet to learn how to view Neera as someone else, someone entirely independent of everything she used to know.
“There’s no rush,” Neera kissed Scarlet’s cheek, inhaled the sweet scent of her hair one more time, then she stepped back. “We’ll get it right, if that’s what we want.”
Neera just hoped that it was what Scarlet wanted, or that she was what Scarlet could come to want if she realized that she could want it and gave herself permission to go for it. Fear drenched her like an ice-cold shower when she thought about Scarlet giving up before they even got started, but she was entitled to change her mind and them choosing each other was what would make them strong. She just had to hope and not give in to the wash of icy terror and doubt that churned her stomach.
She could tell that Scarlet didn’t know what to say, so Neera smiled warmly, offering what comfort she could with it. “I’ll see you at work tomorrow.”
“Maybe only for a few more days. If you get that job.”
“A few more days or not, no matter what happens, we’ll always be family, won’t we?”
Scarlet didn’t hesitate to nod, which made Neera’s heart leap with joy. She quickly tempered it, as she turned and walked through the back to where she’d parked behind the store earlier, in the few parking spots designated as the boutique’s private stalls.
It felt strange that she’d ever doubted coming back here. That she’d once thought about it with trepidation and anxiety. She had been genuinely hurt over the breakdown of her relationship. She hadn’t wanted to give up her job and move back home. She’d doubted herself even more when it came to being close to Scarlet, but somehow, it had all turned around.
Her car was out of the storage spot in her mom’s garage. She was driving it again, and even if it was old and crappy, it was hers. She’d just had a job interview for a great position, and it had gone well. She’d taken a chance, finally, when she’d always cautioned herself against it, and even that had the most unexpectedly wonderful consequences.
She might only be a fraction of the way there, and the biggest battles were yet to come, but she was a fighter, and the one thing she couldn’t make go slow was the rapid pounding of her heart.
Chapter 10
Scarlet
What on earth am I freaking doing here?
Scarlet had never asked herself that question before. She’d never felt like Elodie’s house was anything but a safe, comfortable place. A refuge where it was always the two of them against the world, no matter what was going on.
When Neera got the call that she got the job and they wanted
her to start right away, Scarlet was thrilled for her. She okayed her leaving whenever was best, but Neera insisted on finishing out the week at the boutique, putting in the two days until it was Sunday, and the shop was closed.