“That’s great,” Laney encouraged her needlessly, circling around to get a side shot on Kirsten in a light purple maxi dress. Kirsten set her hand delicately on her bump and smiled just the right amount for the shot.
“Oh!” She let out a sudden exclamation and Laney froze, her heart beating wildly. “Don’t worry,” Kirsten laughed, noting her alarm. “I’m not going into early labor or anything. The baby just kicked, that’s all. It was so hard that it startled me. Sorry.”
“That’s alright!” Laney looked closely, and she was amazed to see the dress draped over the bump shiver and ripple with the baby’s movement. “Wow!” she exclaimed. “That’s crazy.”
Kirsten nodded. “I’m looking forward to getting this baby out and to all the sleepless nights and endless diapers and all that. No matter how exhausting it is, it will still be better than being kicked to death from the inside out. And I’ll likely get more sleep when someone isn’t endlessly turning summersaults in my belly, bouncing against my ribs all night.” Kirsten didn’t look at all haggard. She looked beautiful. She was glowing, like most pregnant women. And she certainly didn’t look at all displeased about the kicking like she let on.
“Can I ask you something personal and probably kind of rude?” Laney lowered the camera. “I mean, because we’ve worked with each other for a couple of yea
rs now? You can say no. Or you can choose not to answer when you hear it.”
“Okay. Yeah. Sure.”
Kirsten was a nice person. She was in her mid-twenties. Tall. Blonde. Gorgeous. Even before she was pregnant, she looked like she was glowing. She was married to a guy who made movies. He wasn’t a director or anything, but he worked on some kind of production somewhere for movies, and that in itself was pretty cool. She knew that Kirsten really loved her husband, because she’d mentioned things about him during shoots and after, when they were talking casually.
“I-I mean, do you…are you worried about, well, do you ever worry that your career, after the baby comes, that you won’t have as much time anymore? For it? I mean? God, that sounds rude. Never mind. You don’t have to answer that.”
Kirsten just grinned and caressed her adorable bump. She was so tall that even at eight months pregnant, the bump wasn’t that big. She was the most beautiful, cute, and sweet pregnant lady that Laney had ever known.
“That’s alright. It’s a good question. I don’t know. My husband is really supportive. My agency is really supportive as well. I don’t think the year off will hurt me any and then I do plan on finding good childcare after and getting back into it. If something happened and I couldn’t book as many jobs after, well, that would be okay.” Kirsten shrugged. “I could always do something else. I’m young and I do have a degree, not that anyone would think about that. I have lots of other interests. Plus, I want this. I’ve wanted to be a mom for a really long time. I know I’m only twenty-six, and everyone thinks that’s young now, but I’m happy. I can’t wait for it. So, no, I’m not really all that worried. Family comes first for me. It always has. My career will either be, or it won’t be. It’s not the be all, end all. When I’m old, I’d like to look back on it and say I had some success at this, but ultimately, that’s not what I want to be remembered for. I want to be membered as a good person. As a great mom.” She covered her mouth and flushed. “Here I am giving you a sermon instead of an answer.”
“That’s alright.” Laney raised her camera and they got back to work, but they continued to talk. “I’m really happy for you. I think you’ll be a great mom.”
“Mike is going to be such a good father too! He’s so excited, even for the birth. Personally, I wish I could skip out on that. I’m kind of scared, since I’ve never done it before and I have an idea of what to expect, but not really.”
“I’m sure that will be fine too. There’s always an epidural.”
“God, yes! I’m not going to be too proud to get it if I need it.” Kirsten angled to the side and posed for a series of shots. “What about you?” she asked, changing positions. “Do you ever want to have kids?”
“I…”
Laney no longer knew how to answer that, because for the past twelve days, she’d done nothing but beat herself up about what happened with Morgun. She missed her fiercely. Why couldn’t she just have explained that she wasn’t just scared of losing Morgun, that she was also afraid of losing herself? Her identity? Everything she’d put in place to define herself? Everything she thought she wanted? If she no longer wanted that, if her career was no longer the be all, end all of everything, what did that mean for her? Where did it leave her?
She wasn’t any good at expressing her feelings, and when Morgun confronted her, she’d shut down completely. That was good to note for the future if she could pull herself up out of her self-pity and self-doubt and do something about getting Morgun back. Laney would remember how she shut down.
She hated it. She’d never felt so helpless in her life. She wasn’t angry with Morgun. She was angry with herself. She felt pathetic. Useless. Wrecked. And Morgun took it all the wrong way, which was completely understandable. When Laney tried to say anything, it came out wrong or backfired on her. Why couldn’t she just say the one thing she needed to in order to make everything right? Why?
If it came down to it, could she apologize to Morgun and tell her everything she’d been thinking about for the past twelve days? Should she write it down? Not send it, because that sucked, but just write it down so she knew how to put things into words?
It will probably take me the rest of my life to put into words what Morgun means to me already.
Laney shifted, then caught Kirsten looking at her expectantly. Right. She hadn’t really answered her question.
“I…yes.” That word sounded loud and clear and strong. It bounced off the backdrop and into the lighting and straight back at Laney, whose heart was suddenly pounding furiously. “I never thought that I did, but then I…”
“You met someone, and you changed your mind? That happens. It happens a lot. I’ve met tons of people who’ve changed their minds about things like that. One way or the other. I think sometimes, when you meet that person, that special person that you just know is different with every fiber of your being, it’s natural to change and to start rethinking things about yourself and find things you’d like to change. Not in a bad way. Not to suit the other person, but just naturally. Because we want to be better. Or something. Jesus, I’m giving a lecture again. Just call me professor over here,” Kirsten giggled.
Laney laughed too. It wasn’t forced. She wanted to tell Kirsten that she was right. Laney knew she’d been stupid. Stubborn. Scared—not of just Morgun, but of all of it. It seemed pathetic to her. She seemed pathetic to herself when she went over and over it.
Why couldn’t she just have gotten her shit together and not hurt Morgun? Why had she said that stupid stuff in the lunchroom that day? Why had she not just apologized to Morgun and made things right? She wanted, more than anything, to do it now, but was thirteen days later too late?
Since Kirsten was wiser than any professor Laney had ever met, she decided to ask her. “Do you think that if you meet the right person and you do something to hurt them and were very, very, incredibly insensitive and horrendous, do you think that two weeks after the fact would be too late to apologize and try to make it right?”
Kirsten gave her a look that was filled with compassion. Not pity. Just understanding. “Mike and I have had a few fights. We broke up once, a couple years ago. For a few months. I think we needed that time to decide what we really wanted. After, though, we were much better together. No more fights. We worked on our issues. It’s hard being with someone. Combining two lives, not into one, but into two that function together. Life is rough and sometimes that’s hard on love, or whatever it is we feel. I would say that for myself, those few months weren’t too late. But I can’t really speak for anyone else. I’m sorry, that probably isn’t very helpful.”
“No,” Laney whispered, raising the camera back to her face again. “That’s actually really helpful. Thank you.”
Chapter 28