19
TEDDY
PRESENT DAY
“This is insane,” I say for probably the thousandth time.
Before I boarded a flight to Cologne, I’d never left the United States. The only two states I’ve lived in are Arkansas and Wisconsin. In a matter of weeks, I’ve visited Germany, the Netherlands, Spain, and now France.
All of Paris is spread before me, a clustered array of cobblestone streets and stone buildings with neat divisions that fan out like the spokes of a wagon wheel in every direction.
Lush greenery contrasts against the shades of gray most of the city is constructed from. In the distance stands Paris’s most iconic landmark—the Eiffel Tower. The Seine snakes through the far edge of the city in a slither of blue water.
Construction on half the monument has limited the hours it’s open. But if you’re Sutton Everett, rules are different. In exchange for a few autographs and some photos, the staff is happy to make an exception.
We have the rooftop to ourselves.
Sutton appears just as enthralled by the view as I am. Parts of this whirlwind trip across the continent might be more familiar to her, but there are plenty of other aspects we’re experiencing for the first time together. That feels special.
Firsts are always assigned significance. No one asks if it’s your sixth time doing something or who your third kiss was.
But it’s dawning on me, more and more with each first we experience together, that I’d rather be Sutton’s last than her first. And as much time as we’ve spent together recently, as close as we’ve gotten, both emotionally and physically, we’re no closer to beingtogetherthan we ever have been.
I’m not sure what the main obstacle is. I knowtheobstacles—our addresses, our careers, our past, Ellie. Each has their own complexities. None of them are insurmountable. But from the start of…whatever we’re currently doing, Sutton has made it clear that it’s temporary.
I think I had a vague hope that it would feel temporary. That, like lots of things, Sutton and I would be a pretty dream that fizzled when faced with reality.
People change, and feelings fade.
The girl you think spins the world when you’re seventeen can turn out to be a mere mortal when you’re twenty-six.
There wasn’t a whole lot of confidence that would be the case to start. I think I knew from the second I saw her outside the same grocery store where we met for the first time in eight years that she and I weren’t the sort of story that ended because it should.
But I wasn’t expectingthis. For my feelings to grow roots that sink and expand and snarl.
I wasn’t expecting to start to caremore.
Maybe that makes me an idiot. At the very least, it’s an outcome I should have considered from the start. Because now, I’m stuck with this realization Sutton wasn’t just the girl I put on a pedestal in my head. She meant a lot to me then and means even more now.
And I have no idea what to do about it. How to even approach the possibility. I know she cares; I know this is more than sex to her.
But she shut down the possibility ofusa long time ago. I’m not sure if it even ever existed in her mind. Now, I don’t know how to broach the subject.
I look over at her profile, framed by the setting sun that signals afternoon is stretching into night. We’ll have to head to the stadium soon.
“Are you happy, June?” I ask.
Sutton looks away from the city and straight at me, squinting to battle the glare. “Sometimes,” she answers.
I press. “What about the rest of the time?”
“The rest of the time… the rest of the time, I think that getting everything you wished for is the worst thing that can happen to you.” She looks away, back at the scenery. “I’m lucky—really lucky. I know how many musicians don’t make it, who work second jobs just to pay the bills. But sometimes, I look back and think making it was the best part, and I didn’t stop to appreciate it. What do I do now? Release another album, go out on another tour? Until the label discovers a prettier, younger version and stops promoting me? I feel like I aimed too low and too high, all at the same time. I never thought this dream would come true, so I didn’t bother to come up with any others.”
“It’s never too late to come up with dreams.”
“What about you?” All of a sudden, her gold-flecked gaze is aimed right at me, trying to pull truths from mine. “Did all of your dreams come true?”
“I’m still deciding.”