30
JOHNNY
It’s not that I don’t want to have sex with Claire, because holy fuck I do—I just can’t.
At least, not yet.
And maybe it’s because I’m doing the very thing she asked me not to, treating her like she’s this fragile person. It’s not that I don’t see Claire as a strong woman, it’s that so many terrible things keep happening in her life, and I don’t want to add to that. She deserves kindness and gentleness. To be treated like the goddess I see her as.
Everything bad is too fresh. The accident with Griffin, even what went down tonight. I haven't made a dent in redeeming myself for the way I've treated her the first couple weeks we knew each other. I can't bring myself to taint such an intimate experience because I can't keep it in my pants. I've been with other girls, but in hindsight, every time was totally meaningless compared to Claire.
And honestly, just processing all of this is a huge fucking surprise to my own system. She's absolutely stunning. Her body is a complete knockout, and I'd be lying if I said I hadn't imagined what it would be like to be inside her. What guy in his right mind would turn Claire down? But that's the whole point. I don't want to be like every other dude that crosses her path. Maybe I'm being a fool, constantly overthinking and trying to protect everyone else. I've already risked so much by being with her, and I have to be careful with how many more lines I cross.
I glance up ahead to see Bram standing on a short ladder out front of his shop. He fidgets with the lightbulb in his sign, and it flickers in response.
“You need a hand?” I say when we get close enough.
He turns it one last time and the light becomes steady. “Nope. I think I’ve got it. Thanks, though.” Bram carefully climbs down. “What are you two up to?” He tries to hide his grin, but he fails epically.
“Just heading home,” Claire replies.
“Actually.” I point into the diner. “You hungry?” Without letting her respond, I add, “I’m starving.” It’s not totally a lie, but it’s a surefire way to deter her from her previous train of thought.
Teenage me would kick me in the ass for not taking Claire home immediately.
“Great idea,” Bram says while opening the door for us.
Claire sort of side-eyes me but goes along with my change of plans.
I grab the ladder. “This go in the storage room?”
"Yep, thanks, Johnny." Bram turns to Claire and smiles. "Sit wherever you want." He follows me into the back. "Right over there is fine."
I place the step stool on the hook and make sure it’s securely in place.
“I’m glad you’re taking my advice.” Bram is terrible at being subtle.
“Yeah?”
“I’m telling you”—his gaze trails off like he’s recalling a distant memory—“the moment I saw her, I knew you two would hit it off.”
I laugh and lean against the wall. “Think so?”
Bram nods aggressively. “Absolutely. And I’m not often wrong about such things. I know you’ve been messed up with some stuff lately, and I get that you don’t want to talk to me the way you used to, but you and Claire are good for each other…she’s your light at the end of the tunnel.”
Somehow, I understand completely what he’s talking about.
“It’s going to be hard, but try not to push her away like you have with everyone else.” Bram unties, readjusts, and reties his apron. “It’ll be worth it in the long run.”
I let his words settle over me. It’s nothing that I hadn’t already thought of myself, but to hear him say it—to see it—it’s refreshing to know I’m not just imagining it all.
Bram grips my shoulder and gives it a firm shake. “I love love, don’t you?”
He leaves me behind with that single term.
Love.
Such a foreign thing in my life. Something I haven’t known since I was young, and even then, I don’t really feel certain that’s what it was. A parent’s love is strange, almost forced. There’s no real choice in the matter. They either love you or they don’t. Not that falling in love with someone is ever really in your control either, but it takes a conscious effort to maintain.