58
CLAIRE
Ithought I was going to die, and my last thoughts were of all that I would be leaving behind, most importantly, the man that holds my heart in the palm of his hand.
My face aches, and yet, all that’s on my mind is the beautiful being in front of me.
Johnny dabs at my cheek with a towel, wincing like it hurts him more than it does me. I smile, knowing all too well exactly what he’s going through. Every single time another mark was left on his body, a piece of me was lit on fire with a rage to inflict twice as much injury on the person who did it.
Sadness consumes Johnny’s features as he delicately tries to clean me up.
I grip his hand, stopping his motion. “Johnny…” I force him to meet my gaze. I’m sure I look like shit, but I need him to understand. “None of this was your fault. I canfeelit—you blaming yourself.”
His jaw tightens, his demeanor still solid. “I shouldn’t have let you go.”
At this, my lips turn up. “You think you could have stopped me?”
Johnny tilts his head. “Claire, I’m serious. I…I should have told you.”
Ah, the thing he’s been hiding from me. His secret.
He runs his hand along his short hair—that old habit he still hasn’t broken. If we ever make it out of this chaos, I hope for his sake that he can grow it out again.
“I need to tell you something, too.” My voice cracks, but I can’t keep this mountain of deceit between us any longer. “A few things, actually.”
I’ve almost lost Johnny more times than I’d like to admit. If a war is on the horizon, I want to go into it on the same page, with everything out in the open. Even if he decides to hate me, I’ll stand by him in this next chapter, fighting to free him from that sick monster once and for all.
But where do I start? With Luciano, or with Griffin? Both secrets are massive, and I’m not sure which one to lead with. The two of them could ruin us, but it could wreck us more if I continue to keep them from him.
“Whatever it is, Claire…” Johnny tucks my still gross hair behind my ear. “We’ll get through it, okay? You can tell me anything.”
My heart clenches.
He means well, but what if the truth is too tough to handle? What if it’s more than he bargained for? What if he thinksI’mthe villain in this story?
That’s a reality I will have to face, because Johnny deserves better than this, better than the lying by omission. He’s given me plenty of opportunities to choose my own destiny—to decide whether or not I wanted to stick around through all of the turmoil. I owe him that choice, too.
“The morning of my birthday…” Somehow, this moment is more terrifying than when I was staring down the barrel of that gun. Losing Johnny is a greater loss than dying. “I went to the hospital.”
Johnny shows no reaction, just waits for me to continue.
“To see Griffin.”
Finally, a bit of confusion as his brows bunch together.
“I…I couldn’t go another day with him still out there. Alive.” I let out a breath, the weight of what I’m about to say growing heavier and lighter all at once. “I poisoned him, Johnny. With a lethal dose of tetrahydrozoline. That’s why Griffin is dead—because I killed him.”
Tears well in my eyes, but not because of what I did, because I don’t know how Johnny will react.
“Claire.” My name is a whisper on his lips. “Why?”
“I had to break free of him.” I sniffle. “I couldn’t allow him to continue to control me. To potentially wake up and hurt anyone else. To come between us. I couldn’t stomach the idea of him walking free.”
Johnny’s emerald eyes flit back and forth between mine. “Claire.” He cups my face between his hands with such a gentleness like I may break at his touch.
This is the moment I lose him. The one where he tells me I’m just as bad as Griffin, as Franklin. That he can’t be with someone who could do something so very cruel. The last time I’ll get to be this close to him, to feel his warm skin on mine.
Instead, his words surprise me.