40
CLAIRE
Today is the first day since I’ve been here on the West Coast that it rained.
And it seems fitting, as I stand here wearing a solid black dress, next to Bram, watching Johnny’s casket being lowered into the ground.
Nothing could have prepared me for this moment.
I wasn’t sure if I’d cry or scream or be completely numb.
I guess I’m all of them. My soul is yelling at the top of its lungs to turn back the clock, to give me a second chance to change the events that played out. To try to reshape this reality that I’m currently living.
Silent tears cascade down my face, and my heart aches fiercely.
Bram wraps his arm around my shoulder and gives it a firm shake. “You’re going to get through this. I promise.”
But how can he be so sure?
The last few days have been utter chaos, making all of the arrangements.
I was supposed to be planning my future with Johnny, not organizing his funeral.
There weren’t many calls to make, considering Johnny had no parents and his only close relative is currently stationed overseas.
A blacked-out SUV pulls along the lane and stops near us.
Josey appears from the driver's side and walks over to us.
Anger boils up inside of me.
“How dare you?” I yell and slap him across the face.
He takes the hit and wraps his arms around me while I pound my fists into his chest.
“How could you let this happen?” I blubber through my tears.
“I’m so sorry,” he genuinely replies.
Bram tries to pry me away from Josey.
I keep hitting Josey, like my brain somehow thinks I can fix things this way.
“Come on, let me get you home.” Bram finally breaks my hold and I stagger back.
I shake my head and sniffle. The rain picks up and my hair becomes matted to my cheeks. “I can’t…” I drop to my knees beside the hole in the ground where Johnny’s casket now lays.
The image of Johnny’s lifeless body bleeding out in my arms is something that will haunt me for the rest of my life.
How can I ever move on from this?
My heart aches, being torn apart by everything that’s happened.
“Let me help.” Josey’s large hands grip my shoulders in an attempt to raise me.
I flinch. “Don’t you dare touch me. You’ve done enough.”
“You heard her,” Bram warns while coming between us.