I could never be happy. Not after the concessions I made on Adnan’s behalf. Kieran can collect all the names of people who brought me pain. I’m not sure if it’s because he assumes it will stitch together a broken heart or if he’s spiteful. I sigh in the chaos swirling around us. Kieran’s warm, full mouth presses against mine. His controlling tongue parts my lips, deepening the kiss. I’m held tightly in his arms until Kieran reluctantly loosens his hold. Although, his hands settle on my hips as if he has no intention of letting me go. Little does he know I’m too dizzy and lightheaded for my most familiar pastime.
“I don’t recall the guy’s name. Mama snuck me in and out of the room all the time. Besides, I can’t fault the guy for his greed. Illness was Mama’s way out.” Air clogs my throat, as I add, “and I have to respect that.”
33
Kieran
Beneath God’s plentiful stars, Ava continues to talk of her life. A few months into living a homeless life, her geometry teacher invited her over for dinner. A wee, old African American lass, she calls Tullah.
“One dinner turned into offering the comfy couch in her living room and prayer. Baptist instead of Mama’s Catholicism. Same old long-winded prayers, though.”
“So, you stayed with her?” I try to imagine things looking up for Ava. Had Tullah offered her a structured life, which sent her running into the first arms that opened up for her. Like Mama falling over herfeckingheadfor a man who could not keep her safe. Did Ava fall for a cheater? Or had Adnan hit her? I’ve waited for months for the stubborn lass to tell me why she’d end her life over him. The day she does, I’ll end his life forher.
I find another smooth pebble. It seems keeping Ava preoccupied dismantles the walls surrounding her. As our fingers touch, my gaze begs her to open up for me.
“The beginning of twelfth grade, Tullah and I were cooking breakfast before church. I swear my mama sent her as a guardian angel, up until that point, because I was done with . . .” Ava stops to clear her throat. “Anyway, Tullah had the same look in her eye that Papa had as we trekked through the wilderness. Like her pain had failed me.” Ava’s voice ends on a numb, quiet note. “Tullah didn’t make it. I guess Mama’s prayers for a guardian angel were insufficient.”
I’m handing Ava another pebble, the token that urges her to spill her life story to me. I feel a spark between us as our fingers touch. But suddenly, I want more than another taste, another hit.
“Mam drank herself to death.” My words exit stilted, stiff, uncertain. While I’ve been the open one in this relationship, like afeckingcunt, I’d not meant to speak ofMam. “She accused me of Da’s death.Feck, usually have a drink in hand while cursing about how he died.”
The smooth, wee rock falls from Ava’s fingers. She ascends on her tippy toes, touching her lips to mine. Her lack of a verbal response becomes everything to me. It makes a man guilty of ugly, dark sins feel the tiniest morsel of relief.
I. Did. Not. Kill. My. Father.
Ava gasps for air, tucking her face into my neck. She utters a muttered plea. “Do me a favor, Kieran.”
“Aye. Anything.” I grip the nape of her neck, gathering her attention.
“I would say this is too good to be true,” she murmurs against my lips, “but you’re batshit loco.”
“You secretly crave a numpty nugget like me.”
“Numpty? Hmmm, I’m not sure what that means, Kieran. The Scottish or Irish side, but if I cease all the conniving in my head and decide not to run, you won’t hurt me, will you?”
With our foreheads kissing, I groan, “Little bird . . .”
“No,por favor.”She pushes me away as a glimmer of amusement dances in my eyes. “No, Kieran. I’m running.”
“I’ll catch you.”
She laughs softly. “Of course, you will. It’s still the principle.”
“Don’t run.”
“Alright, then here, promise you won’t . . . won’t do the next worst thing aside from break my heart. We’re notthosepeople.”
No. We aren’t those bawbags who crave love.
“I have no doubt you’ll surprise me and continue to shatter my expectations. If women are your vice—”
The hand dominating her neck squeezes softly. “You’remy vice.”
“There are three things I will not allow, hit me—when we’re not screwing—and I willdiedefending myself. Two, other women. Three, I made myself clear on the drugs, Kieran.”
Oh, thefeckingdrug stipulation. Mouth open, I resolve to respect the lassie I’ve come to care for. Tell her the truth. But Ava speaks.
“I’m falling for you. Not love.” Ava rubs her forearm. “You have no idea how long I’ve been running. How many years. Even before I-I was married. This is the first time in my life where I’m confident I can stay here with you and Kiera.”