Simone
Holy shit! I was standing in Vino’s looking for my date for Sunday brunch when this rude ass neanderthal, with the manners of a goat, knocked into me. The fool stepped right on my freshly pedicured toes, ruining my new Giuseppes™. Hell, my platinum AMEX™ card was still smoking from that purchase, and now I couldn’t even wear them again. The man with raptor feet had torn one of the straps. Luckily, I could still walk in them.
When I admonished the ruffian, he had the nerve to smirk at me. I had to fight my inner demoness to keep from punching him in the throat. He better be glad I have matured since my teens. Back then, he would have been kneed in his junk with my shoe print across his face. Since I was a young lady now, according to my father, I was no longer permitted to do such things. Now, I hired people to do my dirt for me.
The caveman must have liked what he saw when he finally turned around to acknowledge me. Hey, I knew I was looking good in my yellow and white kimono style pant suit that flowed off my body like a summer breeze on the beach. My matching yellow wedges that I purchased for this date gave me a boost in height that allowed me to look the man, who stood at least six foot three, in his eyes. When he leaned in and kissed me, I almost lost my shit.
He was attractive, like a dangerous lumberjack, only smoother. I could feel the danger rolling off his back, and it made me want to do nasty things to him, but I was not in the business of slobbing down strange men in fancy restaurants. Instead of kissing him back, like I wanted, I pulled away and slapped the mess out of him. My mind was telling me no, but my body was screaming bitch please! Get you some. Oh, fuck it. I pulled him back to me and kissed that sucker back. It was the most amazing kiss of my life. My panties combusted, and if I could have talked in the moment, I would have been speaking in tongues.
Lawdamercy, the little bit of hair I had on my head lit on fire as I stood there with my date not five feet away, allowing that man to devour me. Shit, I’d do it again if he let me. After he demanded my phone and pulled his little stunt to save my number in his, I watched as he walked away. The man smelled like danger and sex, and I loved that he left a sample of his flavor lingering on my skin. I was standing there in a puddle of my own essence when Larry, my brunch date, grabbed my arm and pulled me to his table. Oh, he was pissed! I found that shit funny. I knew he could never make me feel like the stranger had, so I gave zero fucks when he went in on me.
Sitting there amused, I laughed when he whined about me kissing that man. He was talking all this shit, now that The Italian was out of ear shot. I noticed Larry said nothing, nada, when the man challenged him.
“How the hell you gonna stand there and let that white motherfucker kiss you while I’m sitting right here?”
“Exactly, you were sitting here watching the entire interaction. A bigger man would have come to my defense before that thug put his mouth on me. Not you, though. You didn’t protest until he was taking something you deemed as yours. Your little ego was hurt, huh?”
“You’re damn right, I didn’t defend you. I don’t know you like that to be taking an ass whopping for your ass. You shouldn’t have smarted off on him.”
“You’re absolutely right. You don’t know me. I wasn’t smarting off. The asshole stepped on me and had the nerve not to acknowledge me. A quick sorry would have sufficed, but he said nothing. I couldn’t let that slide. I am done being invisible. He had to have seen me in all this bright yellow.”
I ran my hand up and down my body, emphasizing my statement. I was feeling myself.
“Bitch, ain’t nobody checking for your big ass. The only reason I asked you out was to get some pussy. I was horny, and I heard fat girls give it up quickly because y’all get ignored. Shit, you can’t even get that right, kissing on that white man. I damn sure ain’t taking his sloppy seconds.”
“Fuck you, asshole. You probably got a small dick anyway. Trust me he doesn’t. I felt it when he kissed me.”
Before I knew it, I had thrown my glass of water in his stupid face and stomped off. Rude! That motherfucker had triggered some bad memories in me. I no longer accepted disrespect from people. I was a confident, big beautiful black woman, and I demanded respect.
I didn’t mean to tell that fool about the size of his appendage, but he was giving me two-inch bitch vibes, where the stranger exuded big dick energy. I marched my happy as to the hostess and asked for another table. They were super busy, but she accommodated me immediately. I wasn’t going to let that chump ruin my brunch. Shit, I had been waiting all week for this meal. It was my cheat day, and nobody was getting between me and my chicken and waffles.
Picking up my phone, I texted my cousin/bestie, Sheree, and told her what went down. Me: Girl, you will never guess what happened.
Sheree: Am I gonna have to cut a bitch?
Me: Not today. I already took care of it.
Sheree: OMG! You need me to come bail you out? Which precinct are you at?
Me: Bitch, no! I didn’t cut him, just threw water in his face. I’m on my “Housewives” shit.
Sheree: Don’t hurt nobody.
Me: I have to tell you about this fine ass Italian when I get home. It’s too hot for text.
Sheree: Where are you?
Me: Still eating. That fool was not coming between me and my chicken.
Sheree: Stupid!
Me: Whatever. TTYL.