Although it seemed I was alone there because Ash had been ignoring me for a week. He went to school, sometimes came home, then spent almost all his time in his room when he did. I’d even hidden his shoes under the loveseat when he’d left them by the door, stupidly thinking that might trigger a repeat, but he’d just dug them out and put them in his room.
Dec had been right.
I needed to find some guy to lose my virginity to so it would stop being this big thing.
Not that I’d been saving myself or anything. I just hadn’t had any luck in the guy department.
My high school boyfriend—if he could even be called that—and I hadn’t gone past kissing and some awkward over-the-pants fumbling before we’d been caught red-handed in the boys’ locker room. We’d been outed, which had been our fault. We should never have hooked up on school property, especially since we were both deep in the closet.
That had ended that “relationship,” and I’d spent the next year and a half with my head down trying to stay off people’s radars so the bullying would stop.
Then I’d come to college, and while I’d decided to stop hiding my sexuality, I hadn’t really come out. I hadn’t bothered to try and meet guys, hoping that maybe someone would pursue me.
The only action I’d gotten were those few months as Gavin’s gay boy toy and one kiss with a guy in my intro to physics class who’d ghosted me after.
That had done wonders for my already shaky self-esteem, and I’d retreated even further into myself.
Now I was in my senior year, twenty-one, and a goddamn virgin obsessed with my asshole stepbrother.
It was time to stop playing it safe and just go do it. Get it over with so that maybe I could get my head out of my ass and actually meet a decent guy. I’d have enough experience that I wouldn’t suck in bed, and I’d get to avoid the embarrassment of admitting to someone that I still had my V-card.
I stared at the plug and bit my lip.
Should I prep first?
I didn’t know how these things worked. Would jerkit want to prep me? Or was it assumed that I’d arrive ready and raring to go?
I wish I had someone I could ask, but I didn’t have any queer friends. Hell, I didn’t have any friends at all other than Dec and maybe Elle, who I still hadn’t texted. I had no idea what I was doing.
“Fuck it.” I got up on my knees and shoved my basketball shorts down.
Better to be prepared, just in case.
I sat down on my heels and arched my back, grabbed the lube and popped the cap.
I needed to make sure I stayed absolutely silent while I prepped myself.
Ash had come home a few minutes before, and I didn’t want to alert him to what I was doing and give him any more ammunition to use against me. The walls of the apartment were paper thin, and I’d heard him taking care of business a few times in the past few weeks. Which had been both arousing and annoying. It had gotten me hot, and I’d ended up jerking off along with him as I remembered how it had felt to have his hands on me, his body pinning me to the wall. How he’d choked me.
So much for dealing with my obsession. It had only made me feel like shit when I was done and cleaning up.
I rubbed some lube over my hole, then gently pressed my finger inside.
The initial feeling of being breached, especially with a toy, hurt. Maybe it would be different if it was a dick or someone else’s finger, but I had to concentrate and breathe out in order to get my finger to sink in to the first knuckle.
Ash’s muffled voice filtered through my door as I pushed even deeper, breathing through my nose to make sure I stayed completely silent.
Fuck. Why did he have to be home right now?
I pulled my finger out of my hole. Might as well put the plug in and get this over with.
I picked up the plug and coated it with lube. Hopefully the mid-sized plug would be big enough. Jerkit had a nice dick, not huge from what I’d seen in the pictures. It was a good starter dick.
I snickered, the sound morphing into a moan as I pushed the tip of the plug inside me.
That felt good.
I blew out a breath and pushed it in another inch, bearing down as it widened and the stretch stung.