What. The. Fuck.
“Okay, help me out here. How is it different?”
“It’s different because you don’t want all of me. You want the sex, the privileges that come with being with me, but you don’t want to fully commit.”
I put the pieces together. “Is this because of what Brie said last week? About our relationship being a cage? That was bullshit, you know that.”
“Was it? If you ask me, she made some pretty valid points. You want me to be tied down, but you don’t want to be tied down yourself. How is that fair?” she accuses.
“I am tied down. For fuck’s sake, everybody knows we’re together.”
“Yes, but not truly together. And that sends a message.”
“What message?”
“That you’re not all in. You beat up guys for talking to me, but you leave the door open for other girls on your end.”
She sits up in bed, covering her face with her hands.
I sit up, too.
“Is that what this is about? Other girls?”
She’s the only girl for me. Haven’t I made that clear by now?
“Look, Finn, you can’t have it all. Either you want me, or you don’t.” Guilt crushes me when her voice cracks.
My response comes right away. “I do. You know I do.”
“Then why aren’t we official?”
She has every right to ask me that question. I told her I wanted to take things slow six months ago, but nothing’s changed on that front.
“Because I don’t want to fuck it all up by being… me.” I come clean. “You have to understand, just six months ago, I couldn’t even fathom wanting to be with someone. I just… I don’t know how this relationship shit works, Dia.”
“I don’t either. We can figure it out. Together,” she tries to convince me, and my chest burns with self-hatred. It pains me that she feels she has to convince me to love her when there’s not a single person that I love more.
“Dia, listen to me…” I trap her hand in mine. “My whole life, I didn’t let myself get attached. Because when you love someone, then you have something to lose.”
Fuck, I can’t stand the way she’s looking at me.
With big, teary eyes full of disappointment.
“I promised myself I would never be in the same position as my father was when my mom died. That I’d never let anyone have that kind of power over me. I had no power when she…” I need a second to finish my sentence. “…when she drowned, and I need to have power over everything else.”
“And you think a relationship would make you powerless?” she deduces.
I exhale a deep breath. “I think when you let people in, you put them in a position to destroy you.”
I could smack myself when she glances down at her hands to hide the tear streaming down her beautiful face.
“Hey.” I angle her chin up with my index. “Dia, look at me. I’m not saying never. I’m saying it’s going to take some time to undo years of self-preservation. It’s drilled into my fucking brain at this point. Like second nature.”
She’s quiet for a long time.
I messed it all up, didn’t I?
She’s going to tell me she’s done and she doesn’t want a guy with so much baggage.