A hoarse, hateful laugh vibrates in the back of her throat.
“Oh, you know me, huh? Well, I got news for you, sissy. We never really know anyone. That’s a myth. Take me, for example. Every time I think I know someone, they turn out to be cheating, abusive pieces of shit or a boyfriend-stealing traitor.”
I flinch at the last part.
“Wait.” I stiffen. “Abusive? W-What do you mean?” I grip the wheel so hard my joints ache. If Logan laid a hand on her, I’ll break his neck like a twig.
She plays deaf.
“Ash, did Logan touch you?” I urge.
She responds by leaning her head against the headrest and staring out the window.
I’m about to pester her some more when she decides she has more to say. “You’re such a hypocrite, Vee. Telling me not to sleep with some random guy when you literally jumped into bed with my ex!”
Guilt clogs my throat. “I’ve been meaning to talk to you about that.”
“Fine, then talk. How was Logan’s dick? Good? How did he feel? Did you come? Did he make you feel special?”
Her cruel questions are my breaking point.
I slam the brakes so hard Ashley shrieks in shock. I pull over to the side of the road, battling tears with all my might. I’ve spent years biting my tongue about the way she and Mom treat me, but I can’t take another second of this.
“Is that what you think? That I felt good?” I shout. “That I didn’t throw up in the bathroom as soon as it was over? That I didn’t hate every second of it?” Salty tears soak my mouth. “I slept with him because I was sad, Ash. And miserable. And lonely. You and Mom had been gone for days on some vacation without me. Then Logan showed up with a box of stuff you left at his place, and he was nice. He noticed my misery and pretended to care. He listened, and for the first time since Dad died, I felt like I mattered. So, when he kissed me, I let him. And no, it wasn’t good. He was inconsiderate and brutal during…” I can’t complete my sentence. “And no, I didn’t feel special. I felt like garbage, Ashley. But you wouldn’t know what that’s like, do you? Of course not. People have been listening to you since you were born,” I spit.
Drowning in tears and mucus, I grant myself a moment to still my anger before meeting her eyes. Her mouth hangs open, shock pasted on her face.
“I made a mistake, Ash. And I’ll spend the rest of my life regretting it.” I sniffle. “But don’t think for a second that it felt good.”
Silence submerges the car.
That’s when tears begin to form in my sister’s eyes.
“I… I had no idea,” Ashley croaks.
I don’t say a word, wiping my cheeks.
“We always assumed you wouldn’t want to come. Our trips were always about music, and business meetings and… God, Vee, how long have you felt this away?”
Breaking into a thousand pieces, I whisper, “Only since I was born.”
Ash chews on her lower lip, shedding a tear.
“And I’m not trying to make excuses for what I did, Ash. I know it’s unforgivable, but I just can’t stand you thinking I did it for fun, or… because I was trying to steal your boyfriend. It wasn’t about him. It was about needing someone to choose me. Just once.” I sound pathetic. Like an attention deprived little girl still waiting for her daddy to swoop in and make it all okay.
Tell her she’s important, too.
But Daddy isn’t coming home anytime soon.
It’s time I accept it.
“Jesus, I’m so self-centered.” Ashley cringes.
“You’re not,” I disagree.
She cocks an eyebrow.
“Okay, you are a little, but you try your best not to be.”