According to her, I possess long-standing issues of abandonment and mistrust, and I lack the self-awareness and motivation to reflect on all my actions, which leads to me closing myself off and using things like revenge as a coping mechanism to avoid processing all the hurt I feel.
Damn, she really didn’t have to come at me like that.
But I guess what she said makes sense.
I’m going to work on the trust part. If there’s a way to kick it, I probably should do it.
And perhaps that is why, two weeks later, when Beth visits me at the apartment, I don’t immediately shut the door. Instead, I hold the door open expectantly, waiting for what she has to say. Which unfortunately, isn’t much to begin with.
“Hey,” she says.
“Hey,” I tell her.
She’s a beautiful mess. Her long blond hair is pulled into a scruffy bun, her face pale and stricken with nerves.
Her facial features look sharper than usual, like she’d lost some weight, and I’m suddenly worried that she might not be eating.
“Um,” she says, her voice small and unsteady. “Can I come in?”
I nod slowly.
“Sure.”
I hold the door open as she walks in, dragging her feet as if she’d rather be anywhere else. And truth be told, I feel the same. But this conversation is long overdue and it’s about time we finally clear the air rather than continue circling around each other like this.
Beth hugs her shoulders tight as she makes a slow sweep of the room. I wonder if she’s thinking about how she condemned me to this apartment after I caught her and Jax together. I’m not going to tell her that it’s been a blessing in disguise. Not yet, anyway.
“I ended things with Jax,” she confesses.
“Okay . . .” My voice trails off. I’m not sure what she wants me to say to that.
“Look, I know I don’t deserve for you to hear me out,” she croaks. “I broke your trust and I know I don’t deserve a second chance. But you were right. About all of it. About him using me. Manipulating me. And yet you still warned me about him, even if I didn’t listen to you.”
“Beth, you’re my sister,” I tell her, crossing the room so the distance between us doesn’t feel so unfriendly. “I hated what you did but I still cared. And I didn’t want you to end up in the same position I did.”
I wish I had tried harder to protect Beth. Looking at her now makes me ache with regret. She looks exactly like how I was two months ago—lost, broken, wrecked with grief from a breakup. I want to hug her and console her and tell her that it may not feel like it now but everything will be okay. That she’ll grow from this and one day find someone who’ll love and cherish her the way she deserves to.
“Yeah. I should’ve taken your advice,” she admits with a sigh. Her gaze is thoughtful as it returns to me again. “I’m really sorry, Sienna. For everything. I was a stupid, jealous little sister.” She presses a finger between her brows to relieve the strain sitting under her skin. “You’re just so perfect, you know? You’re strong and cool and funny, and when you talk all the guys in the room fall in love with you. I wish I had the confidence that you have.”
I want to tell her that that simply isn’t true, that I’ve struggled with boys, too, and I’m just as insecure as the next person, but I don’t think that’s what she wants to hear. I don’t think she’d even believe me. Putting on a brave, tough face was something I’ve always schooled myself to do because I thought that if I showed that nothing ever got to me, then nothing ever would. And I guess I had others believing it too.
Beth exhales slowly. “I’ve never had any guy look my way before until Jax. And I don’t know . . . I guess it made me feel special when he did. For once, I had someone’s focus and attention. And I know it wasn’t right, but I was so obsessed with the feeling that I was willing to stick with it anyway.”
She glances back up at me with sadness. “Even if it meant hurting you.”
My body diffuses with tenderness. The weight that had been holding me down has finally lifted and a new feeling takes reign, a feeling of comfort and peace that I had long denied myself all these months.
“Thanks, Beth. I needed to hear that. And I’m sorry too.
I shouldn’t have treated you the way that I did. You didn’t deserve me icing you out. I know I’ve been a bitch and I’m working on it. I promise,” I say, reaching down to cup both her hands and squeezing them. I offer her a small, coaxing smile. “And look, you’re an amazing girl, Beth. Any guy will be lucky to you have you. I’m happy to hear you didn’t settle for Jax. He didn’t deserve to be with you.”
She tilts her head. “Real y?”
“Yeah,” I say, a laugh of disbelief shuddering out. “I can’t believe you were jealous of me. I was jealous of you.”
She looks at me like she isn’t sure if I’m joking. “What?
No way.”