Settling himself better on the mattress, David pours himself another cup of wine, clears his throat, and seems to gain control of himself again.
“To answer your question—”
“You don’t have to—”
“But I will,” he says with determination. “I am doing okay. I’ve finally managed to box up most of his things. I’ve started going back to the gym. And I had my first big event last week and managed the whole thing without a single panic attack. So, cheers to me.”
He lifts his cup, but I don’t follow. I can see he’s trying to make it all sound so much easier than it must have been.
His husband died, for God’s sake.
No one would blame David if he’d crawled under his bed and not come out for a few years. It had only been four months.
“It’s hard,” he admits. “But I’m getting there. Nick would want me to keep going. Not just hide away.”
“That’s what Caleb thinks I’m doing,” I say, before I can help myself.
“What?” David asks.
“Hiding away from my grief.”
“You told him about Nick?” He seems surprised.
“In a manner of speaking. And he seems convinced I’m going to disappear back to New York at any minute. Keeps saying my being here is only temporary.”
“Is it?”
Again, there’s no judgment in David’s eyes. No persuasion in his tone one way or the other. He’s only trying to help me find a way to my own truth.
“I don’t think so.” My usual confidence has been worn away a little. With Jess and Sasha’s call yesterday, and now David here in front of me, nostalgia for home, for New York, has been building by the hour. “I came here because I wanted to build a home.”
“You already had a home.”
“No, I mean a house. A place I could live where I wouldn’t be reminded of… of Nick, of Dad. Somewhere I can have peace without all the heartache.”
There’s quiet for a moment. I pick at the rim of my cup with the nail of my thumb, unsure what David is thinking.
“Well, that’s stupid.”
I blink up at him.
“You know, I was just thinking how wonderfully non-judgy you are,” I laugh, “and then you say that.”
David shrugs.
“Sorry, but I’m going to tell you like it is, Liz. You want a home without the pain of loss? What exactly do you think a home is? It’s not a house, lovely as yours is.” He waves around the room. “It’s the people. And people can be lost. You can’t hide from that. That’s just part of it. It sucks, but that’s how it is.”
I don’t think I’ve ever admired someone more than I do David right now. He speaks with such assurance about lost loved ones and his voice is barely breaking.
“If your aim was to settle somewhere without getting close to anyone, then I’m sorry to say you’ve failed miserably. That guy, Caleb, is smitten with you. And knowing you, you’ve charmed half the town by now.”
“No, that’s not what it is with Caleb. I told you it’s—”
“No strings sex, yeah I get that. But that’s exactly how Nick and I started.”
I’m thrown for a loop by that one.
“Are you serious?” I cry.