A knock brought me out of my misery, “One minute,” I called as I pulled my pajamas back on. I walked over to the door and used all my strength to pry it open. The influx of unseasonal humidity swelled the wood tightly.
“Hi, Claire.” A smile stretched Sadar’s full brown lips, revealing his pearly white teeth and accenting the warmth in his dark eyes. His gaze flicked down my body and, despite my bunny pajamas, he clearly didn’t find me lacking. He was handsome and fit, but it’s best not to fuck where you eat.”
“Thanks, Sadar. You’re the best.” I took the bags and handed him a generous tip. He invited me to eat at the restaurant one more time before he left me to it. The food tasted delicious, but soon enough the sauce turned cold, and I had nothing but my thoughts to occupy me. I couldn’t keep sitting in this cage of an apartment.
I jumped into the shower, cleansing my body and hair. I shivered in disgust as I remembered that I had no clean clothes. Wrapping a towel around myself, I picked through the piles until I found an outfit I was sure I only wore for a couple of hours. I skipped the underwear, unable to bring myself to put on a dirty pair. I shoved a pile of clothes into my laundry basket with the plan to do a load as soon as I got home.
I gave myself a once over in the long mirror hanging on my wall. My tanned skin looked paler than usual, maybe from the lack of sun, or my inner turmoil making its way to the surface. All that mattered at the moment was that I passed for a normal member of society—if no one looked too hard. And why would they? I used to be a pretty girl with nice curves, but I lost the spark that used to draw eyes to me.
This city wasn’t cheap, historic buildings lined the streets, and beautiful cultured women were at a surplus. I couldn’t compare. Even when I had solid employment, I couldn’t afford better than this d-list building or the simple clothes strewn across the floor.
The knobs and fixtures all worked like crap and the ceiling leaked when it rained too hard.Yeah, I need to get out of here,I reminded myself as I headed to the exit. Though I’d opened the door only an hour before, it stuck like it had been closed for years.
I yanked and pulled until it finally gave way. The force catapulted me out, and I nearly ran headlong into the door across the hall. I righted myself at the last possible moment, glad I didn’t have to explain to mean old Mrs. Jones why I’d disturbed her and her many cats. I often thought of getting one of the adorable little fuzz balls for myself, but feline companionship sounded a lot like tempting fate.
I ran down the hall, ignoring the lure of furry friends. Several of my neighbors roamed around, going about their business. They weren’t the friendly sort, and I knew most of them only by the nicknames I’d given them. Keyman, the man with a thousand keys, waved at me with a complaint already waiting on his lips.
I gave him a cheeky wave back and kept moving. His apartment sat directly beneath mine, and it offended him that I needed to do things like move around and shower. My desperation to get away from the scene behind me far outweighed my desire to endure another lecture about “proper showering hours” and “tiptoe walking”.
I flew down the stairs, taking them two at a time. The front door slammed behind me and I noticed too late another neighbor coming home with her arms full of groceries. I should have held it open for her. I shrugged away the twinge of guilt. This would be another item on my ever-increasing list of screw-ups.
It was hot for May, but better out here where the breeze kept you from baking. The few trees sticking up from the sidewalk were losing their pale green and taking on the richer tones of summer. The sun beat down on me and the warmth defrosted some of the ice growing in my chest. Thick clouds of pollen hung in the air, turning everything yellow. I sneezed like crazy and my eyes itched, but I still smiled. I didn’t mind being without a car this time of year.
The library and City Hall were only three blocks from my apartment. The convenient locale was the main reason I accepted the job in the first place. Well, that and the title of “Fro-yo chef” didn’t sit right with me. I rolled my eyes at the naïve girl, who didn’t know what she was gaining or losing.Why couldn’t you just serve frozen yogurt?
The buildings were twins, part of the original city planning with all its historical eccentricities. The municipal parking lot between them had been added years after their construction, covering up a wealth of cobblestones and horse manure. The paint and signage differed between the structures but otherwise, they were identical.
I walked past City Hall, keeping my eyes trained in front of me. It was nearly five, and while the library stayed open until six, Anthony and my former coworkers would be headed out any minute. I breathed a sigh of relief when I made it into the library without having to face them and their good-natured inquiries about my job search.
I found the stairs to the basement, exactly where I expected them. This endeavor was pathetic and a little crazy, but I didn’t care. I needed a hit of nostalgia to keep moving forward. I stopped on the landing before I even reached the bottom floor. The striking familiarity held me in place.
The scent matched my makeshift office perfectly. Old paper, dust, and a magical something I could never put my finger on. I descended the rest of the way in a daze and quickly found a folding chair like the one I sat in for eight months. I took a seat, and closed my eyes, pretending I was back in City Hall.
People seldom used this section of the library. All the new releases and classics lived upstairs under a big round skylight. I didn’t think poorly of anyone for the preferential treatment, but I couldn’t help empathizing with the basement books. I pushed myself out of the chair to give them some much-needed attention.
Several full collections of no longer published magazines lined the walls, shelves stood packed with outdated textbooks and scientific articles. Poetry books from the seventies and countless things no one looked at in ages sat under a layer of dust. The time slipped by as I investigated the irrelevancy.
I sneezed like crazy as I wiped years of dirt away from the untouched tombs. Filth encrusted me; the dust clung to the slight sheen of sweat on my overheated skin. I lifted my hair into a messy bun to keep the curls off my face while I searched. I was a wreck, but I found my first bit of peace in a while.
I picked up an old book on dinosaurs. They always fascinated me, and I remembered begging my mother to take me to the museum to see them. She never did. I ran my fingers along the tattered edges, gazing at the T-Rex standing upright. Years ago, scientists discovered they didn’t stand this way, but I preferred this silly stature. He roared and whipped his head back and forth. I wiped his face clean. “No one needs to want you for you to matter. You matter even if you’re wrong.”
“Odd thing to tell an old book, but true enough I suppose,” a warm male voice intruded into the otherwise still space.
I shot into the air from the shock of finding another person in my peaceful sphere. The book hit the ground with a resounding thud, and I let out an unfortunate squeak. “What the shit?!” I spun around, finding a man standing a reasonable distance away. The way his voice reached me, it sounded as if he spoke into my ear.
He towered over me, which wasn’t hard to do since I was only five foot four. He buzzed his hair down too short to guess its color. His green eyes met my brown ones and something electric zipped through me, heating my blood and forcing words out of my mouth, “Can I help you with something?”
“Do you work here?” His tightly controlled expression lifted hopefully. I shivered lightly at the sultry sound of his voice. Hot and cold warred for dominance. The heat in his voice warmed me, but the ice in his soft green eyes warned me off.
“No,” embarrassment flooded through me, rising a seldom seen blush to my cheeks and clipping my tone.
“Then, probably not.” he shot back.
“You know it’s rude to sneak up on people.” The words came out equally flirtatious and hostile, not sure if I wanted to draw him in or push him away.
Hard, angular lines built the foundation of his face. Soft, wide lips tempted me to kiss him. “I apologize for scaring you.” His face puckered as he struggled not to laugh at me before he added, “This is a public library and I’m looking for a book.”
My eyes ran over his perfectly tailored gray suit. His broad shoulders begged for me to trace my hands over them. I was sure he was all hard and toned beneath that suit. I worked to soften the edge in my voice, realizing I wanted a reason to keep talking to him. “What book would you want from down here?” I gestured around myself at the mountains of unwanted words.
I watched in stunned amazement as his carefully cultivated control slipped from his perfect face, “It’s, uh, something about birds…”
I stared at him, waiting for the punchline. His handsome face and dead sexy body made it hard to think. The scent of cologne and man filled the air between us, interrupting the illusion I’d been enjoying. No one at City Hall ever smelled like that. Frustration filled me and I didn’t know if it was aimed at him, myself, or all the forces of nature that combined to form this moment. “Why the hell are you looking for an old book on birds?”
His eyebrows shot up in surprise before they settled, regaining their original stoicism, “I don’t have to tell you that.” He stared into my eyes, anger replacing the chill in those green depths. My will bent beneath the weight of that gaze, submitting to him without having permitted myself to do so. I leaned toward him, pulled by the force of his presence.
He took a step back, breaking the spell he had me under. My eyes pricked as embarrassment flooded through me anew. This silly attraction was clearly one-sided, and why wouldn’t it be? “I,” he began speaking, but I needed to escape.
I streaked past him, and my feet cleared the landing before he realized what I was doing. The library blurred as I rushed out the door and let it slam closed behind me. I embarrassed myself enough for one day.Why did I do that?My frustration bubbled over onto the empty pavement. Rain fell, and it seemed appropriate. “What is your problem?” Neither I nor the gray skies had any answers.