BEAU
For the next few days, I didn’t eat, hardly drank anything and slept the days away. I couldn’t face anything. The thought of food made me feel physically sick, and I became dizzy, disorientated, the water I drank doing nothing to nourish my mind or my body. All the while the darkness seeped into my brain, taking over all my hopes and dreams, leaving nothing but sadness.
I lost track of the days, not knowing what the hell day it was or what I was going to do. I’d given up checking my phone and currently had no idea where it actually was. If Kwan wanted me, he knew where I was, but I was still here, sitting on my own, wallowing in self-pity and filth. I didn’t know the last time I’d showered, but I smelled rank.
When I finally emerged from my room, the sunlight streamed through the kitchen window, blinding me. I had no idea what time of day it was, just that it wasn’t night-time. I scoured the cupboards looking for something, anything, to eat, a gnawing hunger in my stomach, but each one was bare. When was the last time I’d even gone shopping?
Remembering the last time I left the flat was tricky, but my stomach had started to growl. I needed food, but that would mean leaving the house, and I wasn’t sure I could do that. Forcing myself into the bathroom, I took a scalding shower, scrubbing the stink from my body. I felt marginally better if only because I was clean, but my mind was still a mess, random thoughts invading my usually rational brain.
I searched around for my wallet, finally finding it in the jeans I’d worn the day I lost my job.
Fuck. I’d lost my job, and the realisation hit me once again that I was sinking further. I couldn’t keep a job. Every boss I had wanted to either fuck me or share me, I was about to lose my home, if you could call it that, and the boyfriend I thought I had was nowhere to be seen. Could my life get any worse?
Oh, yes, it could. The sister I’d looked after for the past God knows how many years had gone AWOL, and I had no idea where to find her. I’d let her down, failed her. I’d made a promise on our parents’ grave that I’d look after her, take care of her and what had I done? I’d allowed her to get involved with that twat Kevin, and he’d ruined her both with the drugs and by allowing her to sell herself on the streets.
I was as much to blame, though. Every time she got clean, she went right back to it, and I’d done nothing to stop her, and in the end, I’d pushed her out of her own home and now look where she was. Probably squatting in a flat, in a drug-induced stupor.
Feeling utterly useless but angry at the same time, I struck out with my fist, cracking the tiles in the kitchen, watching as a trickle of blood ran down the dirty grey tiles. I cradled my hand to my chest, relishing the pain it brought. I lashed out again and again until my knuckles were bloody and raw. Finally hanging my head, I sobbed until my tears ran dry.
I needed to get out of here, into the fresh air, away from the memories this flat held, not just of Megan but of Kwan too.
I ran my hand under the tap, wincing at the pain, watching as the water turned from red to pink to clear. I had no ointment but found a bandage tucked away in a drawer—not entirely sure how it had got there—and wrapped my hand.
My stomach growled again, reminding me why I’d showered in the first place, and I finally gathered enough courage to leave the flat and make my way to the nearest grocery store. I wasn’t even sure how much money I had and picked up the barest essentials before making my way back home.
The food tasted like sawdust, and even though I’d made my favourite, there was no way I could eat it. Finally, I threw it in the rubbish bin, and made my way back to bed, dropping my clothes as I went. I had no need of them, no need of anything right now except sleep.
Another day passed. Another day where I sank further and further into myself. I still hadn’t checked my phone, didn’t know if Kwan had even bothered to contact me. And right now, I didn’t care. Why would he want me anyway? All I was good for apparently was a hole to fuck, Bernie, Simon and even Kwan. Had I ever meant anything to him at all? If he really was my boyfriend, he’d be here, wouldn’t he? Taking care of me, talking to me, asking me to come back to him, but I was alone.
I’d been low more times than I liked to think about, but this time, I just felt so lost, so alone, so abandoned. I just couldn’t anymore. It was getting harder and harder to focus, to think about what I wanted anymore.
But maybe Kwan had called and I just hadn’t noticed. Hope blossomed in my chest, and I scrambled out of bed, trying desperately to find my phone, eventually locating it down the side of the sofa, completely out of charge.
I was certain I’d plugged it in, and charging it produced a mass of messages, from Ziggy, from Kenny and finally, the one I wanted to see, from Kwan. Lots and lots of messages.
My finger hovered over the first message, reluctant to open it. What if it wasn’t what I wanted to see? What if he was breaking up with me? What if it was over? A sinking feeling hit my gut, and I sat back on the sofa, dreading what I might find.
I took a deep breath and was about to open it when a photo message caught my eye, not from Kwan or anyone I knew.
An unknown number.
I was intrigued and, disregarding the fact it could contain a virus, I opened it up, dropping the phone in horror before picking it up again, this time studying the picture on my screen in more detail.
As much as I didn’t want to believe it, there was the proof on my phone, the reason he’d not been around, the reason I was sitting on my own in my rundown flat. The reason why now nothing mattered, not him and not me.
Kwan was kissing someone else, the other guy’s arms thrown around Kwan’s neck, an intimate embrace. I remembered them well, could recall with clarity the kisses, the feel of his lips as they moved against mine, but now I knew I wasn’t the only one. Had I ever been?
I stumbled into the bedroom, grabbing my clothes, throwing on my jeans and a T-shirt, a cheap pair of sneakers, and putting some money into my pocket.
I knew where I needed to go, knew what I had to do. I had to make amends for everything that had gone wrong in my life; my parents, Megan and most of all…me.