KWAN
After that weekend with his sister, Beau and I talked more on the phone, I messaged him every chance I got and he was the same. Something had shifted in our relationship, and we’d become closer. I was more aware of his state of mind, how he’d react if he’d had a bad shift or if Megan wasn’t doing as well as she should have been.
She’d pulled through, but instead of being allowed home straight away, she’d appeared in court and thankfully hadn’t been placed in custody but was expected to report back to stand trial for possession of drugs and assault.
For the first few days, she’d stayed with Beau and he’d looked after her. I’d called in a few times, and she’d seemed to be doing okay, but then the tell-tale signs started again, and I saw the disappointment in Beau’s eyes as she slipped further and further into her drug-fuelled world.
After a week, she was back with Kevin and Beau was back to beating himself up, giving himself a hard time because in his eyes, he’d failed yet again to look after her. We’d talked at length about her choices, about how none of what was happening was his fault, but for a few days, he withdrew into himself, punishing himself for what he saw as his lack of care.
Eventually though, he pulled himself out of it and began to function again, my Beau returned to me, and we were back to normal, seeing each other when we could but still talking every day. We took a few more trips to the beach, and whilst he still seemed fascinated by the water, the look I’d seen in his eyes that Sunday had gone, replaced with appreciation rather than obsession.
It was getting harder and harder, though, to keep seeing him. Not because I didn’t want to, but Alan had booked us in for some more gigs, not just local ones but spread out across the UK. It’d mean more time away from Beau, but I couldn’t not go. With Kasem’s words lingering like the most annoying earworm ever, I couldn’t let him win, wouldn’t let him force me out of the band. I was a founder member, and Cho and I had made a vow when we started to be there until the end, and that’s just what I intended to do.
Beau understood and said he was picking up more shifts at work anyway. The owner, Simon, had been throwing more work his way, both daytime and evening shifts. It was hard trying to keep the relationship going, but we were working hard at it, and so far, it was going well.
Our next gig was up in Scotland, Edinburgh to be precise, and we’d been booked into a hotel next to the theatre. I was rooming with Cho this time. Alan had wisely chosen a double room, a triple room and a single for himself. Whereas Saul would bunk in with one of us, Alan didn’t think that was wise. My own thought was that he didn’t want to be seen to have favourites.
We’d arrived by train, a three-hour journey with sketchy internet, and whilst I tried to keep in touch with Beau, I often lost the signal and some of our messages didn’t get through. My frustration mounted as we were whisked straight away for a rehearsal in the theatre and had to leave our phones in our bags in the dressing room. By the time we’d finished, Beau had gone to bed and I’d missed our goodnight. I messaged him, knowing he wouldn’t see it until the morning. It wasn’t the same.
We continued to miss each other all weekend. Either he was working, or I was. I promised him and myself that we’d catch up as soon as I got home, but I’d forgotten about my cousin’s eighteenth birthday party at the restaurant, so there was another night where I didn’t get to see him.
I made sure to call him, though. One more day without speaking to him was a day too many.
He answered, sounding tired. It was late, after all.
“Hey, Kwan. I didn’t think you were going to call.”
“I know. I’m sorry it’s so late. We were late getting home, and then I completely forgot about my cousin’s party. I tried to get out of it. I really want to see you, Beau.”
“I want to see you too, Kwan, but I know how busy you are. You have a lot of commitments, things that you need to do. I don’t want to get in the way of those.”
“You won’t, I promise. This hurts me as much as it does you. Look, I have a free couple of days this week. Perhaps we can get together then. I’ve no rehearsals, and I can catch up with the lectures online. I’d rather see you.”
“I’d love to, but I’m on the rota to work during the day all this week. Simon has me doing some extra shifts. He’s thinking of promoting me. Says I’m doing really well and wants to help me go further in the business.”
Fucking Simon. Beau had been talking about him more and more lately. Simon this, Simon that. I was starting to get sick of hearing his name, but at least he seemed to be doing better in his job. That at least was something off his mind.
“I’m not sure when we’re next free to get together. Can you check your rota? Even if it’s just an afternoon.” I’d beg if I had to. It had been far too long since we’d spent any quality time together, and that was mainly down to me.
“I’ll check. I want to see you too, but I guess you’re tired after a long day travelling and partying. I’m sure you have things to do. I will speak to you tomorrow.”
I’d only just called, and he was rushing me off the phone already. “I’m good, honestly. Just talk a little longer, please.”
“You have an early start tomorrow. I know you have an 8 a.m. lecture, and you’ll need your sleep. I’ll catch up with you sometime tomorrow, when you have more time to talk.”
This wasn’t how things were supposed to be going. Our relationship had steadily grown over the past month to the point I’d considered moving my studies to Liverpool University so we could spend more time together. I’d looked into it, but until next year, I had to stay where I was.
But now, he was pushing me away and I wasn’t happy. I vowed to change things, to make time for him. I wasn’t sure what was on Simon’s agenda, but I had a feeling we were straying into Bernie territory again. I couldn’t say anything to Beau, though. I didn’t want to plant that seed.
Reluctantly, I said goodnight to Beau with an absolute promise to speak to him tomorrow, but when tomorrow came, I was bombarded with messages from the band. Alan had booked us another gig, this one at short notice and in Essex, the other end of the country. I had to juggle a few things around, chat with some classmates about taking notes and emailing my tutor to let him know I’d be missing a few classes. He was not best pleased, and it made me think about how much of my time the band was taking up.
I almost didn’t see Beau’s message, lost as it was amongst my notifications. He’d checked at work, had a free evening and was offering to come over to Manchester to see me. Come hell or high water, I was going to make this date.
Rehearsal should have finished by the time he arrived, so I’d be leaving straight after. They didn’t need me there, and we only really stood around chatting anyway about how we thought the evening had gone and whether any improvements could be made. The conclusion was usually a no because we’d been practising so much we knew all the moves by heart anyway.
It would be this night, though, that everything went to shit, and Alan wanted us to stay late. I kept looking at my watch, knowing that any moment his train would be arriving at the station. I was going to be late, and that would not do.
“Look, guys, can we get this right, please? I have somewhere to be in about… Well, now actually.”