BEAU
Istressed the whole of the shift, wondering what Bernie was up to. After greeting me at the door, he’d been absent for the rest of the night, which was almost as bad as him hanging around the bar.
Kenny was on with me again, but being a Wednesday, it was a little quiet, so we got to chatting about what had happened since I last saw him.
“So, how did the date with your blue-haired K-pop star go?”
“He’s not a star, and it went ok until he got a call and buggered off back to Manchester.”
I was still feeling raw about that. The fact that I wasn’t enough to keep him here for just a few hours more. I knew he wasn’t staying for days or weeks, but…I don’t know. I would have liked a little more time.
I was sort of over the day before, although my down days, as I called them, had become more frequent of late. Marc was right. I needed to speak to someone because each episode I suffered was becoming harder to recover from. At times, I could easily brush off the feelings of inadequacy, of complete and utter uselessness, but other times, I was consumed by them to the point my life felt meaningless.
Yesterday wasn’t so bad, but I could feel myself spiralling out of control. The situations I’d found myself in were becoming harder to ignore and deal with. I felt like I had no one. Megan was no longer living with me, Bernie wouldn’t leave me alone, as much as I wanted him to, and Ziggy was busy building a new life with Marc. I couldn’t blame him. He deserved so much after what had happened to him.
I should have felt grateful I hadn’t had to suffer what he did, but right now, I didn’t feel grateful at all.
“But you’re going to see him again. Please tell me you will.” Kenny nudged me, and I shrugged. I honestly didn’t know.
“He’s called me a few times, left a message, but I haven’t returned his calls.” I started to cash up the till. Our shift was almost over, and cold dread started to form in the pit of my stomach. I didn’t know how tonight would go.
I debated sending Kenny with the money, but if I didn’t go myself, I could very well find myself out of a job. But how would I avoid Bernie?
“Look, Beau. You don’t have to do this, you know, with Bernie. I’ll take it, tell him you took ill again and had to go. I don’t mind, and he doesn’t hassle me. It’s you he wants.” He stroked my arm, and it gave me some comfort.
“I know and thanks, but I’ll take it. Not sure a visit from Ty will stop him this time.”
“Okay, I’ll be waiting for you, and if I think you’ve been too long, I’ll come get you. Make sure that you call Kwan back. You need to get out of this funk you’ve been in lately. Plus, I want to go on a double date with a real pop star.” He grinned at me, and I rolled my eyes. Kwan wasn’t a star. I didn’t even know if they were still a group after their manager had died. I could answer his call, though, and then I’d know.
“I'll talk to him, but I’m not promising anything,” I said half-heartedly, not wanting to commit to answering the phone.
I finished counting the money and took a deep breath. No more delays.
As long as the corridor to Bernie’s office was, within what seemed like seconds, I was at his door, my hand raised ready to knock. I dropped it, hanging my head. I had no idea what I was going to do to get out of this.
Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!
I lifted my head and wiped my eyes. It was now or never.
I knocked gently, but when there was no reply, I knocked a little harder and waited, listening for any movement on the other side of the door. Still nothing. I let out the breath I’d been holding and spun around as a hand landed on my shoulder.
“He left about twenty minutes ago. His wife called.”
I laughed at Ty’s words. Jesus, I wasn’t sure how long my luck was going to hold out for, but at least tonight, I was safe. And wife? I didn’t even know he had one. I guessed she was unaware of his penchant for young men. Or maybe she was and chose to ignore it. Who knew or really cared?
I wasn’t sure I’d be able to avoid Bernie for much longer. At some point, I’d have to face him. I didn’t have a shift again until Friday, so I planned to make the most of my time off. Hopefully I wouldn’t be spending it in bed like I had the past two days, and I’d have a plan.
I left the money with Ty, and he let himself into the office to lock it away in the safe. Back in the staff room, Kenny hugged me before I could open my locker, placing a quick kiss to my cheek, much to Ty’s displeasure. Kenny wasn’t having any of it, though, and gave his boyfriend a playful slap. I didn’t miss the heated look Ty gave him, and I wondered,not for the first time, about the dynamic of their relationship.
“That was a close one, Beau. Now get home, get rested and call your man tomorrow.I want to hear all about it.”
* * *
Two days later and I was back at the club. I’d missed several more calls from Kwan, or ignored them more like, and eventually, he stopped calling. As I’d cleaned the flat yesterday, trying to replace some of the things I’d lost, I’d decided that as far as Kwan was concerned, it just wouldn’t work. He was on his way to being something big, and I wasn’t. I had no idea what he saw in me. Most guys didn’t see past my looks, and I doubted he did either.
I strolled in, trying to not let anything bother me, and for once, there was no Bernie to greet me. I dropped my stuff in my locker and made my way to the bar. Kenny wasn’t on tonight. A new guy, Stu, had joined us, which meant I’d probably be picking up the slack tonight. At least it’d keep me busy and my mind active.
Stu did well, and in the brief moments I had to chat with him, I found out he’d worked at a couple of other pubs in Liverpool. Why the hell he’d chosen to work here, I really didn’t know. There had to be better places than this.