Dear Mr. Mason:
Thank you for your generous donation. As to your inquiry about your ward, Lila Mason’s, progress, I am happy to report she is doing very well and excelling in all her classes as you can see by the enclosed grade summary. I anticipate that she will have her pick of colleges. She is not a very social girl but she has made good friends and appears to be well-adjusted. I can assure you that she has not had inappropriate contact with the opposite sex and that we limit that seriously here at St. Mary’s, as we shared with you when you first came to us two years ago. Please do not hesitate to contact me if you have any further questions.
Indebtedly yours,
Headmistress Elizabeth Kura
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Mason:
Oh my God.
I just learned that you are paying off Headmistress Kura so that we don’t have any meet ups with the boys from St. Peter’s Reform School. Everyone is pissed at me. I’m draining my bank account to buy them all Prada purses so they don’t hate me. Thanks a lot.
~L
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Dear Mr. Mason:
Thank you for your generous contribution. I do not know where the rumor came from that you were somehow responsible for the cancellation of the co-ed interscholastic meet and greet. We have made the necessary corrections and rest assured, Lila is treated with the utmost respect and well-loved by everyone.
Indebtedly yours,
Headmistress Elizabeth Kura
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Mr. Mason:
According to interviews of several students, Lila is currently enduring significant backlash over the cancelled co-ed parties. The Prada purse bribe did not have the intended effect.
Recommend that you withdraw Lila or arrange for the dance. Some students suggested bringing in Tyler the Creator or Megan Thee Stallion would improve the general mood.
Thank you for allowing us to investigate this matter for you.
Best,
Ronald Lee, Private Investigator
* * *
Dear Mr. Mason:
I am not leaving school. I’m graduating in two months, FFS. Just send me some photos of Beau. I miss him. I wish you would let me come back. Boarding school sucks, just so you know. Also, I heard you attended the boys’ school and that you were legendary for breaking the rules but I can’t even walk near the school without someone threatening to throw me into St. Mary’s solitary? You’re being totally unreasonable.
~Lila
P.S. The concert was a good bribe. Better than the Prada bags. I’m still pissed though.
* * *
Dear Mr. Mason:
I’m sorry but I’m not able to get into the dorm to take photos or videos of the interactions the subject has with other students. It does appear that the situation has abated some. I was able to take these photos of the subject with her friends. I want to be clear that the males in this photo were not known to the subject but approached during the meal. I was able to disperse them shortly after by pulling the fire alarm. Enclosed please find the bill from the restaurant for the water damage.
Ronald Lee, Private Investigator