Everly
“He just left.I told him it was goodbye, and then he just left.”
“I don’t get it?” G takes a bite of her grilled cheese sandwich and a swig of some kind of purple drink.
“What’s not to get? I was about to punch him. Then we fucked each other. Really fucking hard too, like I still feel it, for fuck’s sake. And then he asked what that was. I told him it was goodbye. And then he left. He didn’t even argue with me. It was the easiest out, and, G, that pisses me off more than anything. He didn’t even put up a fight.” I swallow the emotion that keeps trying to surface. I can’t cry anymore over this. It won’t make it hurt less or change it.
“Oh. Well...” She chews a massive piece she just bit off. With her mouth full of crunchy, buttery bread and what must be a quarter pound of cheese, she continues. “You left the part out where you jumped the gun and told him that it was goodbye. Why’d you say that if you didn't mean it?”
“No, I meant it. I told him I loved him, and he looked at me like I was about to burst into flames. The man LOOKED AT ME LIKE I WAS INSANE! Like, how could I possibly tell him that? I know he’s dealing with shit, and I know his life has been, well, you know what, I don't even know what his life has been like because I barely know him. I barely know him, yet I’m in fucking love with him. What is wrong with me?!”
“Okay, okay. Don’t yell at me. I’m trying to understand everything that happened so I can get a handle on what you need right now. Do we hate him? Are we mad? Just tell me so I can be that!” she says, my ever-loyal friend.
“I’m angry at him. I’m angrier at myself for going for it. I never go for it. He would have never been something I would have gone after if I had just kept to my list. I feel stupid, and I’m not a stupid person, G. I was worried about him and his sister, thinking he was mad about Jin and that he needs space. But he’s blaming himself for his sister’s spiraling, and now I think he’s just broken and drowning. And while I want to be there for him, I can’t if he doesn’t want me to be. I’ll drown right along with him. I know it.”
“That’s way heavier than the fling I thought you were supposed to be having.” She stares at me. Provoking me.
I can only glare. “He practically busted his way into the pool house like some crazed, sexy lunatic on a mission and, of course, Jin was there, which was like the worst possible person.”
She chokes on a piece of her sandwich, interrupting me. “Jin was there! Why was he there? Please tell me you didn’t fuck him. Everly, this is like a telenovela.”
“Stop it. I didn’t fuck Jin. What is wrong with you?” I scoff. “Jack took one look at Jin, yelled something, like,why the fuck is he here. Jin leaves and then Jack basically growled at me. That growl was like permission to rip at each other. As soon as it was over, I knew we weren’t going to survive the rest of the day. It felt wrong in every way possible. He told me in not so many words that he couldn’t do us right now, and then I told him I loved him. I knocked him over with it, but I hoped, oh, God, G, I hoped that he would just tell me he felt it too.”
She gives me a sympathetic smile. “But he didn’t.”
I shake my head, trying to hold back the tears that are blurring my vision. “He froze. He said nothing. So I told him I was leaving, this was goodbye and then he left.”
I throw my hands in the air and slap them down on my thighs. “He just left.”
“And now you’re leaving, and it doesn't feel…” She looks at me to answer, but I have no idea what to say. “...Right? Or over?”
“Oh no, it feels over. But I don’t know if it feels right. And now I’m supposed to go and start a whole company on my own, with his brother, no less.”
“Stepbrother. Foster brother? Adopted brother?” She scrunches her nose.
“I have no clue, but I feel like Jack could have been it. I felt it. I felt it with him. It never was like that with anyone else. I want to shake him and yell at him. Why isn’t he seeing what I’m seeing?” I look over to my friend with watery eyes and wet cheeks, hoping for some knock-my-socks-off wisdom to help make this hurt go away.
She wipes her mouth and leans on her hands, taking in the chaos I’ve just unleashed. “Because maybe he doesn’t feel the way you feel. I see what you see, but that’s not how it works. I know you feel it and want him to, but the reality is…that’s not how it works.” She smiles at me, empathy in her eyes, because I know her tough exterior and aloofness with men are there with purpose. I hate that she’s right. “So, what do you want to do now?”
I don’t want to feel so defeated. It’s evident in how I’m sitting, breathing, living. “I don’t know, G. Curl up in a ball, burn down the patriarchy, wear no bra for a year, make my business so incredible that Jack becomes just a story I’ll smile at fondly someday. I have no clue.”
“Well, I’m pretty sure you don’t want it to be over, but I think you need to move forward. You’re going to be in New York for the next few months, and you're going to be elbows deep in being a badass starting her business. So dothat. Aside from FaceTiming me, dive into life there until you’re ready to come back here. You already know he’s going to be in town for a while, so you know where to find him if you feel like you want to chase him. I'm not saying that you should do that at all, but for now, stop trying to make it feel right and just move forward for a while.”
I smile at her. She knew I needed to hear that.
“But, Ev, don’t chase. I want you to be happy. Hell, even I thought he might have been the guy, and I don’t even believe in this whole one person for everyone bullshit.” She shrugs. “But no matter how much you want someone to be that thing you’ve been hoping for, it's okay to wake up and see it for exactly what it is or who they are. The forest for the trees and all that.”
I nod, working to hold back the burst of emotion that’s creeping up again. “It was fire between us, G. You can’t just make that happen. It’s either there or it isn’t. I’ve never had that before. It was so consuming to be near him. I didn’t think I believed in that kind of connection with a person. I mean, I hoped, but I kind of thought it was all just hype, that people just said it because it was romantic. It was more than physical, and it wasveryphysical.” I smile at the memory. “Even that first time I kissed him, I felt like I was with someone who could keep up with me. I didn’t have to lower my expectations or feel bad about being successful. It was respect, mixed with dirty, delicious sex…and he was sweet. Oh my gosh, he was sweet. Below the facade of being this big deal and a prickly asshole, the fucker was actually sweet!”
“Stop. Life is too damn short to be wasting it on a man who can’t handle a woman at your level. And, babe, you’re a level up for most. Jack is a fucking disappointment. And believe me, he’ll realize it even if he hasn't already. That’s when you decide what you want to do. He might have been all of those things when you were together for a minute, but when it came time to show up, he didn’t. So maybe he’ll realize he messed up the best thing to probably ever walk into his sad life, but then it’s up to you to decide if he’s enough.”
I love her optimism, but right now I’m not interested in holding on to a maybe. For me, it was all or nothing. I chose all. He chose nothing. And now it’s time to move on.