"Where did you say he ran into you this morning?”
I cleared my throat and said, “At the pool.I was doing laps.”
"Seriously?You’re on vacation,” she said and raised her eyebrow.“Not that I'm all that surprised.Your dedication is something to be admired, I guess.”She rolled her eyes.“But anyway, he found you at the pool?How did he know you were there?Did you tell him last night that you had a crazy obsession with swimming?"
"It’s not an obsession.”I shook my head and took another sip of water.“But I was wondering that myself.It's kind of creepy that he knew where I was, don't you think?”
Nicole laughed and said, “There is nothing creepy about that man.I would be all over that, if he wasn't so clearly into you.”
"What?”
"Oh, come on, Lex.You cannot be that oblivious.He is so into you.”
I shook my head but I could feel the heat creep up my face.There was something about the way he looked at me.Not even Andrew had looked at me that way.And Nicole was right; there was nothing creepy about Leo.“It doesn't matter," I said after a moment."Even if he was interested, I'm married.Remember?”
"Lex,” Nicole said and took my left hand, flipping it so my bare ring finger was exposed.“You and Andrew have been separated for months, remember?”Her voice was soft, but firm.“It's okay to look at other men,” she added.“Hell, it's okay to do a whole lot more than that if you wanted to.”
"I'm still married,” I said and pulled away from her grasp.I rubbed my finger and tucked my hand away from view.
"Yes, but for how much longer?”
"Do we have to talk about this now?”
"I think we do,” she said, leaning back in her chair.“You never want to talk about it, and that's my job as your best friend.So spill.”
"It's your birthday.We shouldn't talk about me on your birthday.”
"That's exactly why we should.It's my birthday and it's what I want to do.”Nicole smirked.She knew she would get her way.
There was no point avoiding it.“Fine.What do you want to know?"
"Anything.You never talk about it, and that’s not healthy.So tell me how you feel about all this.It's okay to open up.”Nicole put on her best therapist voice and I could see why the teenagers at the high school where she worked opened up to her.Lots of people were surprised to find out that Nicole was a guidance counselor, and I had to admit, if I was meeting her for the first time dressed in her tight party clothes, having a good time, I might have trouble making the connection too.But the truth was, she was fabulous at her job.She connected with the kids, maybe because she could relate so much to what they were going through.When we'd met in college, we were both in the education faculty and despite Nicole’s love of a good time, she aced her exams and maintained an impressively high GPA.Opposites in every way, instead of repelling each other, our personalities complemented each other and after our first year, we became roommates.I’d always known I wanted to work with children, so I majored in child development, preferring to work with elementary kids.Nicole, fueled by her excellent grades, went back for her masters in psychology so she could work with troubled teens.
"Okay, Ms.Lennox,” I said, in the highest pitch I could manage.“I'll tell you all of my woes.”
She shot me a look and I dropped the act.
"Honestly,” I tried again with more sincerity.“I don't know how to feel about it.I guess it's been a long time coming.A marriage can't work when you want different things, can it?”
She nodded, but didn't say anything, allowing me to continue.
"I can't help the way I feel.And I guess it's my fault.I changed my mind.”
I had changed my mind.When Andrew and I met, I had just graduated and accepted a position as a second-grade teacher at Willow Brook Elementary School in my hometown of Calgary, right on the edge of the Canadian Rockies.It was my dream job and the last thing on my mind was having a family of my own.I was only twenty-three and having kids wasn’t something I could wrap my mind around.Besides, I was young and idealistic and I knew everything.Including the fact that I didn't want to bring children of my own into a world with so many issues when there were thousands of children who could benefit from my guidance as a teacher.I didn't need or want children of my own, which was perfect for Andrew.A recent grad himself, he landed a great position as a financial analyst for an oil company downtown and had ambitious plans to work his way up.He was a dedicated man, to his career and to me, and he didn’t hesitate to shower me with attention and love but he’d made it very clear that babies were not part of his future.It wasn’t long before I moved out of my shared apartment with Nicole and in to a condo with Andrew.Six months later, he looked at me with his sky blue eyes, flipped his sun-streaked hair off his forehead in the way he knew made me melt, and asked me to marry him.It happened quickly, maybe too quickly.But Andrew always went after what he wanted without hesitation.He was confident in our love and our future.And our life was great.
Until I changed my mind.
We'd been married just over two years when everything changed.My period was late.It’s not like it was scary late, only two days, but I was never late.I could almost set a clock to my body’s schedule.Being two days late was a cause for full-out panic.But I didn’t tell Andrew.I decided I wouldn’t tell him until I was certain.There was no point distracting him with this, at least until there was something to worry about.
Instead of taking a pregnancy test, I stewed.I could have put my worries to rest by stopping at the pharmacy on the way home from school, but instead I let my imagination run wild.If I was pregnant, what would I do?What would Andrew say?Could we be parents?We never wanted this.But it didn’t mean we couldn’t do it.Did it?It was a Wednesday; I was going over the week’s spelling words at the front of the class, twenty pairs of eyes trained on me, when I felt the twinge low in my belly followed a few moments later by the familiar warmth.My period.
Instead of being relieved, I was inexplicably upset.For the last few days, my mind had been consumed with the thought of a child.Of being a mom.Without even realizing it, something changed.In the months that followed, I couldn’t walk past a young woman pushing a stroller without rushing to peek inside.Everywhere I looked, there were swollen, pregnant bellies.When I put my hand on my own flat stomach, it was like a gradual ache was building deep inside me.I wanted a child.
Andrew didn’t take the news well.It was our first real fight.
"No kids.We agreed.”
"Andrew, I can't help the way I feel.I want a child.”