ChapterTen
I hated to do it,but two nights later I called Uncle Ray to ask for his help with Ben again.I had plans to meet Nicole for dinner, and Andrew had an important meeting.He'd only given me three hours' notice, but I couldn't help but shake the feeling that he knew he wasn't going to be able to watch Ben as soon as I told him about my dinner date.He often encouraged me to go out but almost every time I did, I needed to find someone else to babysit.It was as if Andrew couldn't handle being alone with him.
Couldn't handle it or didn't want to.
And, of course, Uncle Ray had to change his plans with Sara Beth, which not only made me feel awful but meant he was running late coming over, which in turn meant I was running late to meet Nicole at the restaurant.
I never ran late.
But on the few occasions when I couldn't help it, I hated it.I jumped into the cab waiting at the curb and glanced at my watch.
It was after six.It would take at least another twenty minutes to get downtown, which meant I would be at least ten minutes late.
"There's construction on the freeway, miss," the cabbie said from the front seat."Okay with you if I take side roads?"
"Sure."Now I'd be even later."No problem."
"I'll get you there as soon as I can.Don't worry."
I nodded and sent Nicole a text to let her know.In moments, my phone beeped with a message.
NP.Got news.C U soon.
If Nicole had news, she wouldn't want to hear about my concerns with Andrew.It's not like they were new anyway.She would just say the same thing she always did.She'd tell me to leave him.Life was too short and I deserved better.That Ben did too.I knew it all by heart; she'd said it so often.It was impossible to explain things to Nicole.How could I explain to someone without children that it was better for Ben to have a part-time, somewhat absent father than no father at all?And if I left Andrew, that's exactly what would happen.
I looked out the window without seeing the scenery flashing past my window.Instead, I replayed for the hundredth time the conversation I had the other day with Uncle Ray.I couldn't really leave Andrew and live at the lake.Could I?
Lake Lillian was beautiful.Peaceful.I'd always felt happiest there when was a child, being at the lake with Uncle Ray.And Ben loved it too.But to live?Without Andrew?I loved Andrew.But Andrew didn't love Ben.
As soon as the thought popped into my head, I pushed it out.No, that's not fair.Of course he loved Ben.Maybe I could try harder to foster a relationship between them.After all, even I could admit that as a parent, I could be pretty overwhelming.From the moment Ben was born, I threw everything I had into being his mom.I didn't leave much room for Andrew.Ben was mine.I'd created this situation.
The city lights blurred in my vision and I glanced at my watch again.The driver was right; he would get me there a lot faster than if we'd taken the freeway.We stopped at a red light and I looked out the window and into the car next to us.The man behind the wheel turned to the woman next to him, who was looking at him with such open adoration and love, I could feel it from where I sat a car away.The man tucked a strand of hair behind her ear and kissed her on the lips before turning back to the wheel.
I couldn't remember the last time I'd looked at Andrew that way.Sometimes, when he looked at me, I could catch some of the old spark in his eyes, but over the years it had faded.
How could it not?Every time I looked at him, I felt the resentment over the way he treated Ben.And guilt.I wasn't stupid, and I wasn't blind.Every time I looked at Andrew, the guilt swamped me.I loved Ben more than life itself, but he was a living, breathing reminder of the lie I lived every day.I caught one last glimpse of the couple in love before the light changed and we sped away.
The driver pulled up to the restaurant in record time.I was only five minutes late.I handed him some bills, including a healthy tip, and sprinted to the door.Opening the door, I was struck by the delectable aroma of garlic and butter.My mouth watered at the thought of a big bowl of pasta.Nicole jumped up from a table across the busy floor and waved almost as soon as I walked in.
I wove through the tables, made my way over to her and before I could even get a word out, she flung her hand in my face and said, "Look!"
I couldn't do anything but look.The diamond on her finger was huge."No way!"I grabbed her hand and examined her ring."Ryan proposed?"
"I know," she squealed."It's about time, right?"
I pulled her close and wrapped her in a big hug.Even with my own marriage in a constant state of disarray, I wouldn't let that shadow my happiness for Nicole.Over the years, she'd tested an impressive array of men before finally finding one she deemed worthy enough to take a chance on marrying.Too bad it had taken Ryan almost two years to realize her plan.But now, it seemed, he had, and Nicole was glowing.
"I am so happy for you," I said once we'd sat down and ordered a bottle of wine."Tell me everything."
So she did.Nicole must have been holding in every detail of the event, just to recount them to me."He took me to that jazz club we like, the Blue Guitar, and after the first set, the lead singer announced Ryan up to the stage."Ryan was a guitar player himself.Well, really he was an accountant who'd always thought he shouldn't have given up his dream to be a rock star but every once in a while he played a gig."I was totally shocked and a little pissed, to be honest.He didn't tell me he was going to perform and he always tells me.But when he got up on stage, he looked right at me and played for me, Lex.He wrote me a song.I'd never heard it before.I still can't believe it.It's a beautiful song and he must have rehearsed it in secret, because it was amazing."
"So the song was the proposal?"It sounded very romantic.In a rock-and-roll kind of way.But perfect for Nicole.
"No.After the song, he got down on one knee.Right there in front of everyone.That part was terribly cliché, but it didn't matter because..."Nicole dissolved into tears and I squeezed her hand across the table.
"What an incredible story, Nic," I said."I'm so happy for you.I really am.You'll be perfect together."
The waiter came, poured us our wine and we toasted to their future together.Once we'd ordered our meals, we settled in to discuss the details.