Logan
“Logan, Logan, Logan…”
I lean over my bathroom sink and watch my reflection fade as steam fills the room.
I’ve been awake since the middle of the night when I left Evelyn’s place. Maybe that’s part of why I’m not feeling great about it.
I shake my head and climb into the shower. The hot beads roll down my body, like it will somehow burn the memory of Sean’s naked body from my mind.
What was I supposed to do? Lie there all night, withhimthere? No, it’s bad enough he saw me in a sexual light at all. That’s only something I share with carefully vetted individuals. He is not one of them.
I shake my head under the stream and rub my face.
The problem is that I didn’t dislike having sex with them. In fact, I think I liked it a little too much. And that makes me feel like I hardly know myself. I need to get my head on straight again because my judgement feels so cloudy.
I sit down in the shower and let the stream hit my back. As I close my eyes, I’m not in the shower anymore. I’m so far in my head that I’m flooded with the memories of last night. My gut twisting pulls me back to reality.
My groan bounces off the carefully laid tile in my shower and echoes with a resonance only bathrooms have.
I need to look at the facts and the factsonlyfor right now. That’s what I’m good at and that’s what I can handle.
I stand up under the rain of my shower head, empowered and take a washcloth, rubbing every inch of my skin. At least my body can have something to do while my mind works.
“Last night, we had sex. Evelyn, my student, and Sean, my co-worker slash biggest competitor who I wouldn’t trust with my lunch let alone with something as important as sex, but somehow I did.”
It helps to say it out loud, even though no one is with me, it gets it out of my head. It makes things real and resonate.
“Just because Sean saw me in an intimate setting doesn’t mean itwasintimate. Lots of people have sex all the time without it being intimate. They don’t even touch each other or speak or even know each other’s names.”
Still, that doesn't mean that it wasn’t intimate last night.
Did I show him parts of myself I haven’t shown anyone else?
Of course I did. That’s why this feels so off.I can’t get used to the idea that he was there and that I enjoyed it. I enjoyed it just as much as…
God, I wish Evelyn was here, without him. I need someone to talk to about it and who could I do that with? It’s not like I have coworkers who would support my sleeping with a student and a coworker, at the same time. Evelyn would help though.
She’d listen. Actually listen, and carefully consider my words. She knows I don’t like to open up, and she’d know exactly what to say to make this all feel okay. I know she would understand.
Maybe it’s best that I keep my distance from her, too. After all, who knows? Maybe this is some kind of plot between her and Sean. Maybe they’re just messing with me, somehow.
The sound of my scoff reminds me I’m still in the shower, so I turn it off, grab a towel, and sit on the edge of my sink.
I’m sure Evelyn and Sean aren’t messing with me, after all, that would put them-specifically him- at just as much risk as I am. I really need to stop being paranoid.
So they’re not messing with me, I should still keep my distance from Evelyn, at least until I can figure all this out. There’s something about her that’s magnetic and hypnotizes me. She distracts me and this is not the place or time to be distracted.
I’m working with my competition.
I need to have my guard up higher than ever.
What am I going to do tomorrow?
My stomach plummets once again and I head to my bedroom to find an acceptable outfit for teaching, before falling on my bed on my back. I’m staring at the high ceilings of my bedroom as natural light floods it in the most beautiful way. How could I let myself get into a situation like this? This is so unlike me.
I never let my walls come down. So why does it feel so bad when I do? What about being vulnerable sets my danger radar off? I can’t keep doing this. I hardly got any sleep last night. If anything, that’s a good enough reason to keep my distance from Evelyn.
Of course, maybe this is one of those moments where I finally find someone who teaches me that being vulnerable isn’t a bad thing. I see people do it all the time and not get hurt. Does everyone feel this way after letting people in?
Is it really so awful that someone sees me as what I really am? A human.
No, I need to keep my walls up, especially around Sean. If I let Evelyn in, she might fog my mind to the point of letting him in too. It happened last night.
For now, I need to keep them both at arm’s length.
I rip off my towel and dry the beads of water left in the crevices of my abs and chest. I slip on some fresh clothes, comb my hair, and let out a loud sigh.
It’s decided. Evelyn at a distance. Sean at a greater one.
How the hell am I supposed to do that when we’re shoved into a classroom together two times a week?