Chapter One
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Rene
I lean over to blow out the candles with my very best friend. We met about three years ago and I knew right away she was going to be a big part of my life. We share a birthday together so it is kind of like fate that we found each other. When everything shut down because of the pandemic there was no way I was going to let her sit in her apartment all alone. Especially not when our eighteenth birthday fell just days after everyone was supposed to be quarantined.
The smoke curls around my head and I take a moment to wonder what Bunny is wishing for. We all call her Bunny because my brother Fox calls her that. When he first saw her, after she spent the night, and she ran from him - from that day on she has been Bunny. The only thing I wish for is something I don't think I can ever have. Ever since I was seventeen I have been madly in love with my step-father. Actually, he's not my step-father but my guardian.
My mom married him and about a week after she ran away with someone else. Evan got an annulment and took guardianship of me. That was when I was fourteen. I was so lost and confused about everything. I've not seen my mom since then. She's not written or called once. I had a funny feeling she was going to dump me soon. Her last boyfriend looked at me a little too long and creeped me out enough that I made sure not to ever be around him when I was by myself. When she married Evan I got a brand new older brother in Fox and the first stable home I’d have ever had.
Evan is everything I want in a man. He is loyal and charming, kind and brave, and he has a strict standard of what is right or wrong. That’s why I'm sure my wish this year is never going to come true. But it doesn't stop me from making it. It doesn't stop the dreams that wake me up hurting in the middle of the night clutching my pillow between my thighs and moaning.
Evan comes forward and hands both me and Bunny a gift. I can't believe he thought of getting us something during all of this upheaval. I tear into mine as Bunny thanks him and goes on and on about how sweet he is for doing this. Fox finally has to make her open hers. I already have mine open and look down at the locket sitting on the plush black background. I open it up and see a picture of Bunny on one side and on the other is a picture of Evan. I take the opportunity to run and hug him. I throw myself into his arms and squeal so he can tell how much I love what he did for me and Bunny. She's finally opened hers and I can see in hers is a picture of me with a blank side for the other.
"I hope you get all that you wished for, baby." His deep voice does something to me that automatically goes to my lady business.
"Are you sure?" I pull back to look into his eyes. He doesn't have a clue how I feel about him. At least I don't think he does. The look in his eyes however makes me wonder.
It's not like I have tried very hard to hide it. But a girl with a crush on her father isn't something anyone is comfortable with, even if he is just her step-father...um, guardian. I not even sure what Bunny will think about it. Will it change how she sees me? Will it make her not want to be my friend because something inside of me is so utterly messed up that I've gone and fallen in love with the man who is supposed to keep me safe? And what will Fox and Evan think, they matter so much to me. I don't want them to hate me because I can't control myself and how I feel. I think it would be better if I had a crush on Fox but there is nothing there but brotherly love for him. He's Bunny's super-secret crush, not mine.
I see him pull her from the room out of the corner of my eye. He had better treat her right. Bunny’s not like me, she's soft and sweet and isn't built for all the bullshit I've been put through. Her heart is big and she loves with all of it. I knew the first day I met her that she was a tender-hearted person who needed someone tough to take the hits and bumps that came with being a new kid for her. God knows I've been that new kid plenty of times. I understand what it feels like to be different and not a part of anything.
Evan takes my chin and turns my attention back to him so I am fully focused on him. It's not like he has never touched me before but this feels different. It feels...more. Somehow.
"I'm glad you like your gift, Pussycat."
He's just recently started calling me pussycat. At first, it was just kitten and I thought that was a cute little nickname that he could use to make me feel included but halfway through last year, he started changing it to pussycat. As soon as the word pussy fell out of his mouth I almost came. I had to run to the bathroom and rub my clit so hard I almost hurt myself.
"Have you thought about where you are going to go to college?" I pull back from him. He wants me to go away, to a college on a whole separate coast. If he liked me, wanted me the way I wanted him, he wouldn't send me away. He couldn't.
I would be lying if I said that doesn't hurt. For four years he has been the only stable thing in my world. The only person I could count on, besides Bunny and Fox of course. And he wants me to leave. To go and find another place I feel what I feel when I am here. Thank God for the pandemic. I know that sounds horrible and it makes me feel like shit but if it hadn’t happened then I'm afraid he would have already sent me away.
A horrible, nasty thought sneaks into my mind. It's not the first time I have thought it. Maybe he wants me to leave so he can get on with his life. He's not dated or been with anyone since I came here so maybe he wants me gone so he can start dating or at least get laid. The thought depresses me and makes me sick all at the same time. I never think of him with my mom either for obvious reasons. I take another step back not wanting this day to end with me eating the entire cache of ice cream in the freezer because I am depressed. Not on this day. The beginning of my adult life.
Thank God Bunny comes running in clutching a box to her chest. It's wrapped beautifully. I think it must be the thing Fox took her aside to give her. Her cheeks are an adorable shade of pink. I turn to go to her but Evan pulls me up short.
"You alright, Pussycat?"
I need to put some space between us or I'm going to just come right out and ask him to fuck me, "Sure." I turn to Bunny, using her as an excuse, "I'm going to find out what is taking Fox so long. Want me to take that upstairs for you, Bunny?"
She nods and hands me the box. I run up the stairs, making a pit stop to our room before going across the hall and talking to Fox. It doesn't take me long before I am back downstairs with Bunny.
"You alright, girl?" she looks a little pale. Fox better not mess this up before it has a chance to start.
"Um, I don't know. Did you look in the box?" her eyes look troubled when they move to mine.
"Aw, hell no. I'm not just going to go snooping in your stuff. Why? What did it have in it? A sex toy? Was it a vibrator?"
"Jesus Christ, Rene." I can't help but giggle at her. She's too fun. "I don't want to talk about it right now." She's staring at the foot of the stairs and I can tell it's because Fox is there. They tickle me. I love watching the two of them fall in love. Hell, I love the idea of love. After we cut the cake and I embarrass Bunny some more we all head into the living room. This is one of the best parts of my day.
Family time is one of the rare few times that I can openly be with Evan and not feel like I'm skating on the edge of making him do something he doesn't want to do with me. Usually, he'll sit at one end of the couch and I lay with my head on pillows and put my feet in his lap. It takes everything in me to focus more on the television than on Evan and his very talented hands. I can't fight back the moan they cause though.
I say something about wanting to marry a man just like Evan when what I really want to say is I just want to marry Evan. Evan narrows his eyes at me and grunts but doesn't say anything else, but his hand squeezes up around my foot like he might be trying to keep me exactly where I'm at. Surely he has to know I would never leave him if he just asked me to stay with him forever.