"So what do you have planned today?" she asks, drying her hands on a dishrag and turning to me.
"I was thinking of going hiking for a few days," I tell her.
She frowns. "Really? You're leaving town? On the Fourth of July?"
I shrug. "It's not that I don't want to be here."
"Well, you're a local hero, Jake. I'm sure people would like to see you out."
I shake my head. "Mom, I'm not a hero."
"Yes you are," she says. "You earned a medal to prove it."
I exhale. "It doesn't feel like an honor. I lost my buddies in Iraq, Mom. I was there, I could have saved them, and I didn't. It doesn't feel like something I want to celebrate. Something that fucking tears me up inside."
"I know," she says, resting a hand on my shoulder. "But Jake, maybe being around old friends and seeing people might cheer you up. Might remind you that there is still a lot to be grateful for."
"I'm not thinking I don't have things to be grateful for," I say to her. "I know I do. I'm lucky to be alive. I shouldn't be, actually. I should have lost everything, just like Harry and Charlie did, but I didn't, Mom. I'm here, I'm still breathing, and a crowded Fourth of July parade on Main Street seems like hell on Earth." I shake my head. "It's too soon. It all feels too real, too raw."
"I understand," Mom says. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have even mentioned it. I just..."
"I know," I say. "You don't want me to become some hermit in the woods who forgets how to talk to people."
She smiles. "Okay, so you do understand where I'm coming from."
"I do," I say. "But Mom, I'm only going to go for a few nights. I got some food packed, I got my sleeping bag and a tent. I just want to go to the woods. Get some fresh air and clear my head. Then I'll be present for the next month until I have to go back."
"Do you know where they're sending you?" she asks.
I shake my head. "Not yet. I haven't got my orders yet, but I'm expecting they'll put me somewhere that's a little less intense after two tours in Iraq.”
I look at my mom. She's worried about me, I can see it written on her face.
"Who are you going to the Fourth of July parade with?" I ask her.
She smiles. "I'm going to meet Lydia and Gabriella. They are in my trivia group. We meet up at the bar on Tuesday nights and we decided we will all head to the parade together. Go over to Lydia's afterwards for some food. She's throwing a barbecue. It will be a big to-do."
"That's good," I say. "You should have a nice night."
She smiles. "All right. You know I'm gonna be worried sick about you the whole time you're gone."
"Mom, I'm going to the woods. Woods I've been in a hundred times before. You don't have to worry."
"All right," she says as I head for the door. "I love you, Jake."
"I love you more, Mom."
It doesn't take me long to get back to my cabin and pull my backpack on. It's packed with all my essentials. I lace up my hiking boots and then lock my cabin.
Then I set out, looking up at the blue sky.
Yeah, this is the right call. A parade on Main Street isn't something I'm ready for yet. I need to go clear my head before I see anyone else.
2
FAITH
Everything that could go wrong with my life has and I'm not being a drama queen. I'm being honest. Sitting in this car with Jesse makes my skin crawl, my throat tighten, my stomach twist in knots.
I want to get out of here. I want to leave, run away. God, the fact that this is my life makes me feel worthless.
"Why won't you look at me?" he growls, one hand on the wheel, and he reaches out, grabbing my wrist with the other. "Give me a hand job like I told you to."
"I won't," I say through gritted teeth. "You can’t make me, I don't want to touch you. I want to be left alone."
"You're never going to be alone. You're my property now. Your father gave you to me. You're mine. When are you going to get that through your thick head?"
Tears are rolling down my face. I squeeze my eyes shut, trying to think of a happy memory, but it's impossible. All I can see is what happened over the course of the last week. My dad Rex being in debt to his drug dealer, Jesse. Me, being the only thing he could offer. I'm 21 years old and I've been living with my dad for way too long, but I was helping him take care of his mom, my grandma, Leila. She died three months ago. And since then, I'd been trying to figure out how I could save enough money to leave, finally run away. Grandma was the only reason I stayed for so long. I couldn't imagine her being left with him, a drunk and a druggie. A man always strung out, only looking for his next fix. Never looking out for me or his mom.