“You can help us build the track outside,” I whisper.
“With rocks? Like you did the last time?”
“Yeah.”
While I think about all the fun, we’ll have racing our bikes, I drift off to sleep. Summer throws her arm over my face, waking me with a smack. I shove her arm down and turn onto my other side. As I’m snuggling into my pillow, I hear Dad’s angry voice from downstairs.
“We’re going to lose it all!”
I frown and sit up so I’ll hear better. I can’t hear what Mom is saying, but it sounds like she’s trying to calm Dad down.
Dad’s been getting angry a lot lately. Since he lost his job a few months ago, he’s been drinking a lot. I miss how things used to be while he was still working.
“Back when the company closed down we didn’t even get a decent payout to keep us going. That money is long gone. With the mortgage on the house and the loans we took to fix the place up, there is no way we can afford to stay here. If we sell, we’ll still have to pay the outstanding amount. I don’t know what to do. We’re going to lose it all. The bills keep piling up, and there’s no way to pay them.”
“I’ll get a second job,” I hear Mom say as they come up the stairs.
“Doing what? You hardly make anything with that pathetic reception job you got,” Dad growls.
Their voices are muted as they close their bedroom door, and I can’t make out the words anymore. I lie back down and stare at the motorbike. The star I stuck on right before bed shines from the beam of light falling across the table.
Suddenly, Mom starts to scream, and I sit up again. I crawl over Summer, careful not to wake her, and tiptoe to the door.
“No, Robert! What are you doing? Have you lost your mind? I said I’ll get a second job. We can ask Christopher for help. There’s always a way out.”
I’ve never heard Mom sound so scared before and it sends shivers racing through my body.
“I won’t ask another man for help! Don’t you fucking get it? We’re done. After getting the foreclosure letter, it’s only a matter of time before they take the kids. They’ll end up with some fucker who will beat the shit out of Marcus and sell Summer for sex. Is that what you want for our children?”
“That won’t happen! Judy said we could move in with her until we’re back on our feet. This happens to a lot of people, and they make it. We’ll make it! You just have to stop drinking and go look for a job. We can fix this.”
Mom’s crying so hard that her sobs make me flinch. I don’t understand why Dad won’t listen to her. It would be awesome if we could go live with Jaxson and his family.
“What kind of man will I be if others have to take care of my family? What will everyone think? I’ve tried to get a job. Nothing pays close to what we’re used to having.”
“It will be a start! Just start somewhere. We don’t need all the luxury. We will adjust and slowly work our way back up.”
“At the age of forty? Are you fucking insane? We’re supposed to start saving for our retirement. We’re too old to start over!”
“I’m thirty-four! You’ve just turned forty. We’re in the prime of our lives, Robert. Retirement is still twenty-five years away. Stop being so negative for one moment, and you’ll see there’s a lot we can do to fix things. We sell the house and move in with Judy and the boys. We’ll slowly pay off the outstanding debt. At the most, it will take five years if we don’t find better jobs, and then we’ll be able to move forward. I’m sure if you keep looking, you’ll find a good job. You have experience. Have a little faith!”
“What fucking faith? It’s been something every single year. Since you fell pregnant the first time, we’ve been struggling. I’m fucking tired of this shit. This life is one big struggle. I’m done!”
Mom’s crying gets harder, and she starts to plead, “Robert, you’re not thinking clearly. Give me the gun. This is not the solution. Suicide is not the way out. Think of your children. They need their father. Think of me. I love you. We will get through this. You’re just having a bad night. Give me the gun, and we’ll go to bed. Tomorrow things will look better.”
“I love you, Stella. I wanted to give you the world, but I could never give you what you were used to. I wanted to be a father our children would respect and be proud of. But life just keeps fucking me over. Nothing I do is good enough. I can’t catch a break. I can’t take it an
ymore.”
“I know.” Mom’s voice is shaky as she tries to soothe Dad. “I know it’s hard. Let me be the strong one for once. Take some time for yourself. Things just look really bad because you’re depressed. Let me carry you for once. We can make it.”
“No,” Dad whispers. “It will only be a matter of time before you take the kids and leave. You won’t love me anymore. I’m a fucking loser. I can’t lose you and the kids as well. I can’t. I won’t!”
“Robert!” Mom’s shrill shriek is cut short when a loud bang makes me jump with fright. Everything goes quiet, and I can’t hear Mom’s sobs anymore. I strain my ears to hear anything.
Suddenly their bedroom door is yanked open, and when I see Dad coming out, I forget about the loud bang. I open my bedroom door wider and smile at Dad, hoping it will make him feel better. Only when he lifts his arm, do I see the gun in his hand. When he used to play cops and robbers with us, he always smiled, but that was a long time ago.
“Why are you crying, Dad?”