CHAPTER 7
Piper
Ithought I knew what I was doing, walking into that room and facing the future. I wanted to believe I was ready. Even after I heard his voice in the office and ran back to hide in my bed like a child, I still thought I could handle finally learning the cost of all the security I’ve enjoyed here. As wildly ridiculous as it may be, the scared little girl inside me wishes he’d take the responsibility out of my hands and just show up.
Then I’d have someone to rage at, to expel all this fear and uncertainty onto. A rational person would find me absurd for so absolutely trusting the same man I’m obviously suspicious of. Maybe, it only makes sense in my twisted mind, but there is a logic in my madness.
I’ve had a lifetime to learn how to identify douchebags. Have I always avoided them? Definitely not. Case in point, the asshole ex who claimed he was okay dating a camgirl and then got shitty pissed at me for doing my job. Realistically, though, the only way a girl can avoid every jerkoff guy around is to sequester herself in a convent. It’s not really an option for me, given that what I learned about religion as a kid could fit into one of those little plastic cups they use to hand out grape juice and wafers.
“Why now?” The question pops out before I can rethink it. I know why I went into the office.
What I’m asking is, why is he speaking to me now, when for weeks I’ve poked at him, trying to get a response. Somehow, I’m positive he knows what I’m asking, and his answer confirms it.
“You’re ready for me now, Spitfire. You know you are. Admit it to yourself and read the papers. Then tell me to join you. I’ll wait until you do. You know I will.”
That right there is how I know I’m safe with whoever he is. I may not like his demands, but I truly believe he won’t hurt me. Is it damn pathetic to be satisfied with won’t hurt me as a layer of comfort? Absolutely. It’s more than I’ve gotten from most men, so I’ll take my solace where I find it.
The guy didn’t even show up uninvited when I put on shows for him in the shower or under the sheets on my bed. It was risky of me to put him to the test the way I did. While the sexual tension is so tangible I can feel it through whatever camera he uses to watches me, not once did he say a word.
Most dudes would consider a woman masturbating where they can see her to be an outright offer. Not this guy. He’s waited for me to get up the courage to go into the office, and now, he’s waiting for me to issue an actual invitation.
Acid roils in my stomach as nerves overtake me. When wanting to see him was an easier concept. The reality of seeing him is harder. Now that the moment is here, I’m panicking.
“Deep breaths, Piper. You’re spiraling. Nothing will change until you’re ready for it. You have control. Breathe in… Let’s count. One…two…three…”
He’s right. My mind is racing and my breathing has become choppy and rushed. Panic attacks are a new normal for me. Try as I might, the coping skills Mika, my therapist, taught me in our online sessions dissolve like candy floss when I try to focus on them.
“Piper, stop and listen to me. Breathe. In. Slowly. Now.” Through the haze of my distress I hear each word as its own command, and my body immediately complies. Sweat beads at my temples as I suck in gasps of air that feel as if they’re getting stuck in my chest.
“In. Two…three…four. And then out. Come on, Piper. You can do this. Settle down and breathe, baby girl.” His calm authority thrums through me and raises goosebumps on my skin. My mind is still spinning out too fast to calm myself. In my head, the only safety I find is the memory of him scooping me into his strong arms and holding me tight against his chest.
“Please…need…you.” Anxiety roughens my voice so much I hardly understand my own words.
“Hold on, sweet girl. I’m almost there.”
I’m too spun out to revel in the verification he’s been as close as I’ve felt him for all this time. I’m not too out of it to miss the sounds of my alarm system being disarmed or his voice calling out to me from inside my home, echoing through the hidden speaker above me.
“Piper, it’s only me. I’m disengaging your alarm, and then I’ll be right there. Keep breathing for me. Deep breath in; slow breath out.” Seconds pass in a blur before he’s striding through the doorway to my bedroom and scooping me from the bed, blankets and all, to carry me out into the living room.
“Keep breathing, baby girl. We’re going to have you right as rain in just a moment.” Confidence projects like waves from him into me, soothing my raw edges and helping the panic begin to recede like magic.
His heart thuds beneath my cheek, and slowly, my heart slows to match the steady beat of his. My fingers find their way between the buttons of his shirt to stroke along the warm skin dusted by springy dark hair. I can see a tiny bit of chest hair peeking from the unbuttoned collar, and my eyes focus on each individual one, counting them as he counts off inhales and exhales.