I swing the door open with my gun held out in front of me, but there’s nothing there. I’m about to step out and search around the house, but Millie lets out a horrifying screech. Before I even know what’s happening, a repulsive stench fills my nostrils. I don’t have to look down to know what I’ll find. I know a skunk when I smell one.
The skunk skitters away, having wreaked its havoc on me and Millie’s entryway. I stand in shock in the open door. My eyes are watering, and Millie is gagging and making retching sounds. I thought getting sprayed by skunks was something that only happened in ridiculous comedy movies. What do I do?
Lo stumbles into the living room, rubbing her eyes, and asks, “What’s going on out here? Oh my gosh, what is that smell?” She joins Millie in her uncontrollable gagging and plugs her nose. “I can taste it! What is it?”
“A skunk!” Millie yells. She bursts out in maniacal laughter while Lo and I watch her. “A skunk sprayed us! We smell like death! What do we do?”
“The entire house smells like it,” Lo says. She’s still pinching her nose closed, so I don’t know how she knows that. The only thing I do know is that I am burning these clothes the first chance I get and that I’ll be calling animal control first thing in the morning.
“Aren’t you supposed to bathe in tomatoes or something like that?” asks Lo. No way am I bathing in tomatoes. Where would we even get enough tomatoes for three people to bathe in. Lo didn’t get directly sprayed like Millie and I, but she’s going to smell atrocious just from standing in this room.
I give Nana a call to ask her what we should do since she’s an encyclopedia of knowledge and knows literally everything. I feel bad waking her up in the middle of the night, but she’ll forgive me when she hears what’s happening over here.
Baking soda is the answer, according to Nana. We’re supposed to soak in a warm bath with it. Millie and Lo grab a change of clothes and the baking soda from their pantry, and we all head next door to my house.
“How much baking soda are we supposed to use? I don’t think this tiny box is going to be enough. Y’all both need an entire box all to yourselves,” Lo says. She still hasn’t let go of her nose, even though we’re now standing in my house. She’s on the opposite side of the living room from Millie and me, but she insists that she can still smell us like we’re standing right next to her. Pretty sure she’s smelling herself.
Millie rummages around in my pantry to try to find more baking soda. She comes out with a half-filled box. I have no idea where it came from or how long it’s been in there. It’s most likely from an ex-girlfriend—and it has been a long time since I’ve had a girlfriend. It might be time to clean out the pantry.
I take one box, and Millie takes the other, and we each head to a bathroom. On my way out of the living room, I forbid Lo from sitting on my couch. She lies down on the floor, prepared to wait her turn to bathe.
In the guest bathroom, I show Millie where the washcloths and towels are located while she nods and fidgets with her clothes. Even with her hair messy from sleep and literally smelling like a skunk, she’s the most attractive woman I’ve ever seen. She could be wearing a muumuu, like my nana likes to wear to bed, and she’d still be beautiful. She bites her bottom lip, deep in thought, and my eyes cannot look away. The close quarters of the bathroom are proving to be too much temptation for me. I start to back out of the room, but she stops me with a hand to my arm.
“I’m so sorry. This never would have happened to you if I hadn’t insisted you stay over to help me,” she apologizes, looking absolutely tortured and adorable. It’s unnecessary. I’d do it again in a heartbeat to make sure she’s safe. I just can’t believe the threat ended up being a skunk.
I lean down and kiss her forehead, and her eyes grow wide with surprise. “All is forgiven,” I say. Reluctantly, I leave the bathroom and give her some privacy.
Thirty minutes later, after soaking in my bathtub full of steaming water and baking soda, I step into the hallway and hear someone splashing in the tub. I pause by the door at the sound of Millie humming. I cover my mouth with my fist to keep myself from laughing. She truly has the worst singing voice I’ve ever heard. I guess God knew she would be too perfect if she could carry a tune.
“You okay in there?” I ask through the door, which is a huge mistake.
Millie screeches, and then loud crashing and thumping sounds come from inside the bathroom.
“Ow, ow, ow,” she moans. I try to turn the door handle, but it’s locked, of course. I uselessly jiggle the knob.
“Millie, are you okay? What happened?”
I hear groaning and rustling and a clang that sounds a lot like the curtain rod hitting the tile floor. A moment later, the door opens, and Millie stands in front of me, wrapped in my oversized bathrobe.
She’s still soaking wet, and her hair is hilariously plastered to her head. I do a quick scan over her to make sure she’s okay. She appears to be fine, but my bathroom does not. The shower curtain and the rod are partially in the tub that’s still full of water, the floor mat is all twisted up on the floor, and it looks as if there’s just as much water on the floor as in the bathtub.
Millie tugs the robe tighter around her, feeling self-conscious, and points into the bathroom behind her. “Once again, I am so sorry.”
I glance at the disaster zone behind her and shrug my shoulders. It’s just water and a curtain rod. Nothing is damaged. I look at her face again, and I have to keep myself from laughing at her grumpy expression.
My mouth twitches, and she immediately catches me. “I can tell you want to laugh. Just let it out, big guy. This night couldn’t get any worse if I tried.”
“What are you talking about? There’s nothing funny going on here,” I say. But then she crosses her arms and rolls her eyes, and I can’t hold it in any longer. I’m doubled over, trying to contain my laughter.
“It’s kinda your fault. I was getting out of the tub, and you startled me. I slipped, and well, the shower curtain was not the best thing to grab onto to stop my fall,” she explains, which just makes me laugh even harder. “You’re not being very gentlemanly. I hurt my hip really bad when I landed,” she says and rubs the offended hip.
I want to kiss her so badly right now it hurts. I settle for smoothing the wet hair away from her flushed face. Her skin is still wet and warm from her bath, and breathing instantly becomes harder when my fingers touch her cheek. I take a look at her full lips and watch them part. I glance up at her eyes to see that they’re watching my mouth.
I inch closer to her and wrap my arm around her waist to pull her toward me, and surprisingly, she doesn’t resist. A voice in my head tells me that this is dangerous territory, but I ignore it. She’s too tempting, standing in front of me in my robe. Our mouths grow ever closer; they’re mere centimeters away from each other. The most miniscule movement would bring them together.
Just when I’m about to close the gap between us, Lo appears in the doorway, asking if it’s her turn to bathe. Millie and I jolt apart, and Millie grabs her clean clothes from the counter and rushes from the room. If I’m hearing correctly, she ran right into my room. My fault, really, since I never showed her which rooms she and Lo could take for the rest of the night.
“Well, this is terribly awkward…” Lo says.