‘Back when I was in Year Twelve,’ he said, ‘everyone in Clarence thought me and Natalie Spokane had some epic love story going on.’
‘Oh, pet, you were devoted to her; and she was to you.’
‘Yep. That’s what we wanted everyone to think.’
He could see his mum playing his words over in her head. ‘I think you’re going to have to tell me properly. What on earth do you mean, you wanted us to think that?’
‘We struck a deal. I would be her fake boyfriend, on one condition: no mushy stuff.’
‘Why on earth would she want a fake boyfriend?’
‘Because she knew she wasn’t going to get better. Her parents were always sad, and she didn’t want some other sad face hanging around her, she said. I came up with the fake boyfriend plan because … well. I have no idea why, to be honest. I liked her, I guess. It made her laugh.’
‘And your plan backfired,’ his mother said slowly.
Man, had it ever. ‘Yep. The more time we spent together, the harder it became to live up to my end of the bargain. Natalie may have looked like she was as delicate as a baby fern, but she was certainly stubborn about some things. Me not getting caught up in the whole tragedy of her life was one of them.’
‘And then she died.’
It had happened in a rush, at the end. Natalie’s face, so still, her thin frame barely moving under the hospital sheet. Her parentsholding each other and crying that they weren’t ready, it was too soon. The nurses tiptoeing about the room in their hush-soled shoes.
And she’d seen him—seen the tears he couldn’t stop from falling, no matter what he’d promised—and yelled at him to get out, and he’d stumbled out of that hospital room and never seen her again.
His mum plucked a dandelion from the weeds clustering at the bottom of the fence post and twirled it in her fingers. ‘Poor Natalie. She thought making you promise would keep you safe from grief. I know it didn’t. I know you were too sad to stay.’
‘Mum. Natalie dying wasn’t the reason I left. I was grieving, yes. Did it affect my relationships afterwards? Hell yes. But—I was always planning on leaving Clarence when I finished school.’
‘To uni, yes. But you never came home, Joey. Not for uni holidays. Not when Amy was born.’
‘I had felt—’
He looked at Patty’s face, at the rain making the hair at her temples curl into fizz, and hesitated. But this was truth time and his truth was what it was, shameful or no. ‘I wanted a break from being the big brother. I wanted to go to Sydney and have nobody know me. Simple stuff, some of it … like having a room to myself. But bigger stuff, too. I didn’t want to feel responsible for the little ones. I wanted to be the one who was allowed to be reckless now and then.’
And, now he thought about it, grieving for Natalie that whole time and the fake boyfriend guilthadmessed with his head. He’d felt guilty, but he’d also felt as though he’d tried as hard as he could, and with the eyes of everyone in town on him, all the time, sayingpoor Joey… he’d hated that.
Natalie had lost her life. He’d lost his friend and his happiness. And his family felt like they’d lost him.
His mum sighed. ‘I’m sorry, Joey. We should have given you more space to just be you.’
He nudged her with his shoulder. ‘And I should have told you I needed that space.’ He bent down to pick more of the dandelions then handed them to his mum in a little posy. ‘Just so you know, Mum. So it’s super clear: I’m not leaving,’ he said. ‘No matter what is coming our way. Love. Grief. Anything. My future is here in Clarence.’
She gave him a fond smile. ‘Even if your siblings are still annoying?’
He smiled back. ‘Even then.’