The tear slips down her cheek. I want to cry, too. She turns her face up to me slowly.
“Would you hate me if I admitted that I was jealous?” she asks in a small voice. “I’m happy that you’re happy to be having this baby. But I’m also—”
“It’s okay,” I say immediately. “I don’t hate you. I understand.”
She gives me a teary smile. “Thank you. Would you excuse me for a bit?”
“Of course. I’ll be here.”
She nods and heads into the manor. I have a feeling she wants some privacy so she can cry in that desperate, no-holds-barred way that’s cathartic for the soul.
I wait until I’m alone before I pull out my phone and try to call Chris. He doesn’t answer, so I hang up, count to fifty, and call right back. He always jokes that I catch him right when his hands are full or he’s in the bathroom.
But when the call goes unanswered a second time, I decide to send him a text instead.
Hey Chris, I just wanted to check in and tell you that I’m safe. It’s beautiful here and I’m glad I’m not alone. I miss you though. Wish I could see your face right now. It always calms me down. Don’t waste too much time worrying about me. Xoxo, Jess the Mess.
I finish the text and set my phone down next to me. It’s getting colder, but for some reason, I can’t bring myself to go back inside.
I place my hand over my belly. Weirdly, I still don’t feelpregnant the way I expected to. I try to imagine the kind of life that I can realistically give my child, and I keep coming up blank. Well, not quite blank—more of a twisting, inexplicable emptiness that makes me feel like I’m going to throw up. Like the future itself is making me sick.
So when my phone buzzes with a text, I turn to it gratefully.
CHRIS: I’m glad you’re safe. Where did you end up? Is it comfortable? I miss you too.
I wonder why he hasn’t just called me back, but I figure he has a life, too. I don’t want to disrupt it any more than I already have.
ME:It’s called Laurel Manor. It’s every bit the amazing English country house you would expect. I can almost imagine Elizabeth Bennet walking through the gardens. That’s where I’m sitting right now. Wish you were here too.
CHRIS:Sounds nice.
He doesn’t respond after that, and I close the conversation thread feeling weirdly disappointed. I’ve put Chris through a lot. I can’t expect him to just keep calm and carry on like everything is normal. Still, it sucks to be physically and emotionally far away from him.
But as I sit, staring out over the landscaped gardens, I realize that the sadness inside of me is actually longing. Loneliness.
And it’s specific to one person.
The person I most wish was here with me right now.
Spoiler: it’s not Chris. Like Freya said, it’s for the man I know I can’t have.
The man I know I have to leave behind.
The man who’s breaking my heart.