36
JESSA
There’s a swell.
It’s small but indisputable. I run my hand over my tiny baby bump, imagining the life growing inside me. Is it a boy or a girl? Both are equally strange and awe-inspiring. It makes my head hurt to think about it, so I just imagine a sweet little creature that is part me and part him.
Anton was already gone when I woke up this morning. I took an extra-long bath and slipped on black leggings, but before I could pull on my cashmere sweater, I paused in front of the mirror to examine myself from the side.
The door opens as I’m caressing my belly. I try to pull on my sweater fast but I know he’s already seen me. His eyes go wide. I’ve never seen Anton look awestruck before.
“It’s really happening,” he murmurs.
I laugh. “Doesn’t feel real, does it?”
“Not until just now.”
He moves forward and I notice the files he’s carrying under one arm.
“Is that about Chris? Is he okay? Have you heard anything?”
“We’re following a couple of leads as we speak,” he assures me. “We’re closing in.”
“On Marina or Chris?”
“We find one, we find the other,” Anton says confidently.
“It’s been two days, Anton,” I remind him. “His parents must be worried sick.”
“They haven’t filed a missing persons report,” Anton says. “We’ve been keeping tabs on the situation. They seem to be going about with their lives as usual.”
“Really?”
“Really.”
“What does that mean?”
“It means that Marina doesn’t want the publicity from an abduction report. So she’s explained away his absence to his parents.”
“How?”
“The same way I got your location in England,” he says.
And that’s when it strikes me. “You mean she’s using his phone to send them messages.”
“That’s my best guess.”
I shake my head. “Okay. Okay. Well, do you think that means he’s alive or dead?”
I don’t actually want to know his answer. There is a peace in not knowing. A real benefit to existing in the liminal space.
“Alive,” Anton says decisively.
“Are you just saying that to make me feel better?”
“No. She took him as leverage, Jessa. She’s not going to fuck with him before he can be of use to her.”
I nod, feeling lightheaded all of the sudden. He takes my hand and leads me to the sofa.