“Don’t be ridiculous,” I mutter, taking a deep breath.
I inhale deeply and push the air through my teeth. I breathe in and out like that for several minutes. It usually helps, but today, nothing can ease the tight crush of panic in my lungs.
I place my hand over my stomach and try singing to my baby. “Hush, little baby, don’t you cry… Every little thing is gonna be alright…”
I sit on the edge of the bed and stare through the window. The moon is visible in the darkening sky, stars beginning to show themselves as darkness descends. I hope Anton comes home soon. I don’t want to be alone in the dark tonight.
Then the hallway floor creaks.
I gasp and spin towards the door just as someone turns the handle. I get to my feet shakily. Do I stay and fight or run?
The lock clicks, and I’m trembling. Marina could have a key. She has access to everything somehow. There’s no room secure enough to keep her out. Not a vault, not a fortress, not a—
“Jessa?”
I sag in relief at the sound of Anton’s voice. Then the door opens, and his massive frame is standing in the threshold.
“Anton,” I sob, pressing a hand to my thundering heart.
“You locked the door.”
I run right up to him and throw my arms around him. “Thank God it’s you.”
“Who else would it be?” he asks, kicking the door closed and walking me back to the bed. Even as we sit down, he holds me close. Which is fine with me because I don’t want to let him go, either.
Now that he’s here, I feel silly for thinking it was anyone other than him. But then again, all the bad things in the world seem further away when he’s here. When I feel safe and protected.
His body stiffens a little. “You thought it was Marina.”
“I was just being paranoid.”
He tips my head back so that he can look at my face. “How long have you been holed up in here, scared of whoever’s outside the door?”
“Uh, I’m not sure. I lost track of time.” I check the clock in the corner and realize that I’ve been up here more than an hour. “A while,” I add self-consciously.
He hoists me up higher so that I’m straddling his hips. My hands land on his neck and I stroke his shoulders gently. “I’m glad you’re back.”
“Me, too.”
“How did it go?”
I realize the moment the words are out of my mouth that it didn’t go according to plan. It’s written in his clenched teeth, his rigid posture. I run my fingers along his square, tense jaw.
I know already that she’s still out there.
“You know what?” I say quickly. “I don’t need to know. Not tonight. How about we just… be together?”
I feel guilty even saying it. She still has Chris. My best friend doesn’t deserve to be caught in the middle of it.
But there’s nothing that can be done about it tonight. In order for me not to completely crumble to pieces, I need to compartmentalize this situation. If I don’t, it will rage out of control like a wildfire and destroy me.
Anton sighs. “That sounds good.”
“Just promise me… we’ll find Chris.”
He nods. It’s not a promise, not exactly, but I take it anyway.
I lean in and press my lips to his. He kisses me back hard and when we break away, my lips feel raw. “It’s weird…”