Smiling, I reach for a stone of my own. “This is my fear. Fear that my best friend will be hurt or killed because of me.”
I throw the stone, but not far enough, so when it lands in the fountain, cold water droplets splatter on my back.
Yulian finds another rock and goes again. “This is my frustration for everything that’s gone wrong that’s led us to this moment.”
“I think you’ll need more stones for that one. Maybe a boulder.”
He smirks and throws the stone. Then he hands me a new one. “This is my anger at Marina for not staying dead. You can throw it.”
I chuck it behind me and feel some of the pressure on my chest lighten somewhat. “It’s helping,” I whisper.
“You’re right. Good game you made up,” he says, picking up another stone. “This is my doubt about my own abilities and my own skill.”
He turns and whips it hard into the water. Fish scatter in every direction. It must feel like their world is ending. Death by vicious meteor shower attack from above.
“Do you really doubt yourself?” I ask.
“All the time.”
That surprises me. He always seems so damn confident.
As if he’s reading my mind, he says, “All my confidence feels like a mask sometimes. I have to appear confident because the alternative is looking weak. And that’s easy to do when I’m standing next to Anton and Lev.”
“They’re not going to judge you.”
He snorts. “Then you don’t know either one of them very well. It’s not in their nature—or any of our natures—to be compassionate or understanding. Strength is the only thing that’s respected here.”
“Anton and Lev aren’t just anyone,” I point out. “Anton is your brother and Lev is your friend.”
He nods, but I can tell he doesn’t believe what I believe: that they’d have his back no matter what. It makes me sad to think that the toxic masculinity of the underworld would bleed into their relationships.
“Have you ever talked to Anton?” I ask.
“About what?”
“About your self-doubt.”
He raises his eyebrows. “Did you not understand what I just said?”
I roll my eyes. “I’m just saying that a lot of what you told me is based on assumptions. Maybe if you allowed yourself to have a real conversation with your brother, you might realize that what you’re scared of is actually a non-issue.”
He shakes his head. “You didn’t see his face when he found out that Marina was still alive. That’s on me. I fucked up.”
“Mistakes happen all the time, Yulian.”
“Yes, but when they happen in our world, people die,” he retorts. “You almost did.”
“Almost,” I underscore. “But I didn’t. I’m still here.”
He shakes his head. “It’s nice of you to want to give me a pass, but I have to hold myself accountable for my mistakes.”
“If I have a son, I’m going to make sure he knows that it’s okay to screw up,” I say firmly. “I’m going to make sure he doesn’t beat himself up because he made one wrong move.”
Yulian smiles. “Not sure how well that’ll go down with Anton, but you can certainly try.”
“Anton will want his children to be happy.”
“He’ll want them to survive,” Yulian corrects. “The two things don’t always go hand in hand.”