He snorts. “Just go.”
As much as I don’t want to leave, I need a second to think. To process. But even when I find myself in the dark comfort of my office, I can’t seem to get my thoughts together.
A baby. My baby.
It’s not just the pull of fatherhood that has me flustered. It’s the possibility of fatherhood with Jessa.
The mother-to-be had been the only needle in my side the last time this happened. The realization that I would have to raise a child with Marina was poisonous. It soured the joy I felt.
But this time? If this baby is real… I can’t find a single reason not to be euphoric.
“Anton?” Lev steps through and clicks the door to my office room shut. “You okay?”
“Not sure,” I mutter, eyes downcast.
“That’s surprising. I thought you’d be ecstatic to finally be rid of the old fuck. One bullet and you basically obliterated the Ivanov Bratva.”
“I’m not talking about Rodion.”
Lev frowns. “Then what—”
“Jessa.”
“What about her?”
“She might be pregnant.”
Saying it makes it real. Seeing Lev’s expression makes it real, too.
“Are you serious?” he asks.
“According to Spegal, yeah.”
He drags a hand down his face. “Jesus, man. Haven’t you ever heard of a condom?”
“I wanted to be in her without one. Anyway, I assumed she was on the pill.” I shrug. I’d given her plenty of opportunity to tell me to stop.
“You assumed?” Lev scoffs, sounding more and more incredulous. “You mean you didn’t make sure? That’s unlike you.”
“I didn’t think I would see her again after that first night on the boat. I didn’t think that far ahead.”
“You mean you didn’t think at all.”
“I just wanted her,” I say without thinking. Maybe I should be embarrassed, but I’m not. Wanting Jessa feels as natural as breathing. Back then, now, and at every moment in between. “Everything else paled in comparison.”
It’s Lev expression that tips me off to how fucking insane I sound right now. I fall silent, brooding.
“How do you feel about this news?” he asks after a long pause.
I don’t even have to think about it. “I want this baby to be real.”
“You wanted the last one, too… even with Marina.”
The last one. I run a hand over my face before I make eye contact with Lev. “I still think about the child. The one I…”
“Anton.”
I say it anyway. “The one I killed.”