But she doesn’t sound so confident anymore. The pixels break apart for a moment and the screen goes fuzzy. This part of the video has always been like this. It’ll clear up in seven, six, five…
I close my eyes and count. But when I reach zero, I force myself to look again. I don’t need to see the footage to be reminded of what happens next, but like an addict who can't stop shooting up even though it's killing him, I watch.
I remember the look in her eyes when I stared down at her, holding her blonde hair like a rope. The desperation, the unhappiness, the wild anger. It was all a mask to cover up how deeply unhappy she was. How thoroughly broken.
“You know how long I’ve been working on this alliance,” I growled at her. “You know how much work it’s been.”
“Which is exactly why I came in here,” she snarled at me. “I wanted to destroy something that you care about.”
“Why, Marina?” I asked. “You don’t care about this marriage any more than I do.”
Her face was shielded by the side of my arm. I can’t see her expression on the camera, but I remember it all too well.
The flat darkness in her eyes. The way she’d searched my face for something.
Even now, I don’t have a fucking clue what she was trying to find there.
“I’m going to destroy everything you love,” she threatened. “You so much as look at another woman and I’ll murder you and your entire Bratva.”
“You wouldn’t dare.”
“I have bigger balls than you do, you motherfucking—”
I wince and turn away. When I look back at the screen, I can see her hands on my face, trying to claw my eyes out.
I slapped her hands away and pinned her to the table by her throat. “Don’t make me do this, Marina,” I warned her. “You keep this up and I will end this marriage and throw you back to your father, like I should have done a long time ago.”
Her eyes widened. “You wouldn’t…”
“Watch me. The Ivanov connection is not worth this hell I have to live in every day. Seeing your face is not worth any amount of money or power.”
Her jaw went slack as she stared at me. That settled something for her. Maybe she realized I was truly beyond redemption.
I sighed and let go. Turned away.
Then she pulled a knife out of her boot leg and came at me with decisive intent. I turned back just in time to see the weapon. Just in time to bat it out of her hand and pin her wrist to the table.
She screamed like a woman possessed. Now, as then, her words are unintelligible.
For the second time, I threw her hard onto the table and twisted her around so she was looking up at me.
“Stop it!” I yelled. “Fucking stop it, Marina!”
“I will never stop!” she screamed right back at me. “I will never fucking stop!”
And that’s when I lost it.
As I watch myself give in to the beast that was growing inside of me, I can remember perfectly how I felt. I can remember the turmoil and desperation that engulfed me when I realized that she wasn’t lying: she would never stop.
My hands wrapped around her neck and I started to squeeze. Her screams went flat. Her eyes bulged when she realized that I wasn’t going to stop, either.
I was going to fucking kill her.
“No… no…!”
She struggled, but I wasn’t going to let up. Even when she started flailing her arms around and shaking her head. Even when she started choking… I wasn’t going to stop.
Then she whispered something.