“Kellen,” I say and bite my lip. “I don’t know.”
“Put it on.”
I sit up and hold it up to the light. The diamonds glitter and sparkle, and tears form into my eyes, threatening to spill over.
This is all a lie and I don’t want to stop telling it.
It’s like a story I want to get lost in even though I know it’ll end soon.
He watches me carefully and wipes the tears away. “Don’t cry,” he says quietly. “This is a happy moment.”
“And these are happy tears, but I can’t.” I try to give him the ring back, but he refuses to take it. “I’m sorry. I love this ring, it’s beautiful and probably cost way too much, but I can’t.”
“You can and you will.” He shoves the ring back and forces my fingers to close around it. “Listen to me. Even if all this is temporary and one day we’ll go our separate ways, right now you’re my wife. That means something. The captains and lieutenants are paying attention to me now, and they’re wondering about my new bride. I want you to meet more of them, but I can’t bring you around without a ring.”
“It’s just for show then?”
“No.” He kisses me gently. “It’s for you. It’s because I want to. I could’ve gotten you any old fucking ring, but I got you that one because it made me think of you, and because you deserve something gorgeous. Now put the damn thing on.”
I sniffle, feeling pathetic, but he removes his hands and I look at the ring again. This time, I slide it into place—and it fits.
“Perfect,” he murmurs. “Wearing my ring and nothing else.”
“Asshole.” I grin at him and hold my hand in the air. The tears come again, and this time he hugs me as I cry.
Never in a thousand years did I ever think I’d have an engagement ring on my finger. I never thought a man would want something so horrible and broken like me, and yet Kellen’s looking at me like this whole fake marriage thing is much, much more than that. He tilts his head curiously, gaze moving down my body, and I know what he’s thinking. He’s looking at my breasts, and the ring, and I bet he’s wondering how it’ll be looking at the stone on my finger, the mark of his claim, when he fucks me rough.
I kiss him and pull away before he gets more ideas.
“Your dad used to have this thing he’d say when he was in an awful mood and wanted to hurt me.” I walk over to my clothes and pull on a shirt and leggings as he watches.
“I’m guessing it wasn’t very nice.”
“He’d say to me, you stay here because you know that out there, nobody will want you, you’re ruined goods, Tara. You let me do this because you hate yourself as much as I hate you. He’d say it over and over while he’d hit me. And you know what? I think he was right.”
I turn my back to Kellen, shivering. More tears roll down my face. I hate that I have these thoughts now of all times. I should be happy and not thinking about Orin but all that pain is ground so deep into my bones that I can’t escape it, even when I try to. If there was a way to forget that monster and only live in the moment, exist entire in the present, I would.
But even with the bastard dead and gone, I can’t escape.
I hear Kellen shift on the bed and come closer, but I don’t look back. I don’t want him to see the anguish that’s ripping me to pieces.
I hate that I’m letting Orin ruin this moment. Even from beyond the grave, the old bastard knows how to ruin my life. I can’t get his words from my head, can’t forget the pain and the bruises and the punches and kicks, I can’t erase him from my mind. Because for so many years, I thought he was right. I thought nobody could possibly want someone so worthless as me.
And now Kellen wants me. Maybe it’s just for sex, I don’t know, but it seems like more. I feel more when he wraps his arms around me and kisses me and looks into my eyes. That’s the terrifying thing—I feel so much more for Kellen than I ever thought possible.
My world is changing so rapidly and I don’t know where to go from here.
He appears behind me and wraps his arms protectively around my body. He hugs me against him and breathes deep, smelling my neck and hair, and sighs. I release a soft whimper because it feels so good to be held and protected and hugged like this. I feel so safe with him. I can’t remember ever feeling this safe before in my life.
“My father said those things to control you. He wanted to keep you sad and stuck because he enjoyed torturing you too damn much to ever risk letting you have your own life. It was never about you, it was always about him. Orin Hayle was a miserable, pathetic old man. Nobody loved him, not even my mother, and he knew it. Cait despised him so much she fell into drugs just to get him out of her head, and I think he always knew that he was to blame for her spiral.”
“Kellen,” I say, choking up again.
“Just listen. You’re wrong when you say nobody could want you. I’m as bruised and battered and scarred as you are, if not more, and I’m telling you there’s a whole world out there. I can show it to you, if you want, or when this is all over I can give you what I promised and release you to do whatever you choose. This will be your land, not the Hayle family’s home anymore, and you can exorcise all the demons from this place and make it your own. Whatever you want, but don’t think you’re ruined just because my bitter, awful father told you to feel that way. Just don’t do that to yourself.”
I sob again and he hugs me close. I cry into his chest and wonder how the hell we got here. Marriage, sex, a ring, and now he’s trying to make me feel better about myself like he actually cares. Where does it end? What can I do?
Finally, I calm down, and kiss him. I feel that spark again, deep in my core, but this time there’s something else. I crave a release so badly it’s like an ache in my guts, like if I don’t get rid of this horrible feeling, this bad memory of Orin and my failures and all my self-loathing, I’ll explode into a thousand pieces and never recover.