“I know I owe each of you an apology and an explanation,” she said, taking a deep breath and exhaling loudly through her mouth.
We all just stared at her, waiting for her to go on.
“Um, can I get a glass of water first, please?”
Andy nodded tersely and stepped into the kitchen.
“To be honest, I never expected one of you, much less all four of you. I had no idea what would happen when I moved back here, but I was so happy when I saw the four of you at Spurs, and to be completely honest, I was blown away by how attracted I was to all four of you for completely different reasons. I couldn’t make sense of how I was feeling at the time, which was why I just decided to take it by the day.”
She accepted the glass that Andy gave her before going over to sit next to Adam, and she looked at them steadily. I wouldn’t have known how nervous she was if I hadn’t seen how much her hands were shaking.
“Adam, Andy,” she said, maintaining her steady breathing, “I’m so sorry I didn’t tell you about what happened with Aaron and Austin. I wasn’t expecting anything that happened that night, and I’d never been as happy as I was after we talked. I didn’t want to do anything that would ruin it. But part of that was because I had no idea where either Aaron or Austin stood, or where I stood with them.”
The anger, residual shock, and general feeling of betrayal that I’d felt when I’d first found out what my brothers had told me was beginning to fade, and I found myself newly mesmerized by her face, the way that I had been when I first saw her that night at Spurs. The feeling that was beginning to replace that was starting to remind me of the way I’d felt toward her after we’d slept together that night, and I’d gone to sleep in the barn feeling that much more complete.
I tried to shut down the feeling and hold onto the rage that I’d been feeling for the last day, but it was starting to slip through my fingers.
“Aaron,” she said, and I started a little as I looked into those eyes that reminded me of our lush, green fields on an early summer day, “after we—um….”
“Fucked,” I said, my voice not nearly as stern as I’d expected it to be.
“Yeah, that,” she said. “After we slept together, I had no idea what you were feeling for me, much less what I was feeling for you. We didn’t talk at all after, and I had no idea how to broach it with you.”
I was quiet as I processed what she said. It annoyed me, but she did have a point. I couldn’t blame her for not reaching out to me when I hadn’t done anything to bridge that gap myself.
“The same goes for you, Austin,” she said, looking Austin directly in the eye as she addressed him, “and believe me, you were the most unexpected out of all four of you.”
He raised an eyebrow at her, and I had to bite down on my lip, hard, to keep my laughter in. Adam gave a small snort that he turned into a really unconvincing cough.
She rolled her eyes. “Come on. You can’t pretend that what happened could’ve been predicted.”
“I don’t know,” he said, and I could tell that he was fighting a smile. “Stranger things have happened.”
A small, throaty laugh escaped from her, and I knew that she was barely holding onto her tears. “Since neither of you said anything after the fact about feelings, I figured I would be better off just letting it go. I assumed that neither of you guys wanted anything serious, so I just….” She shrugged and took another long sip of her water to fill the silence.
None of us spoke for a while as we each tried to process what she’d told us. I looked at each of my brothers in turn, seeing my own feelings mirrored on their faces.
“You’re right,” I said, my voice soft, but the room was silent enough that it got everyone’s attention like a firework going off inside. Everyone turned to look at me, and I couldn’t tell whether or not that was cautious hope I saw in Lucy’s eyes. “I didn’t want anything serious, not at first.” I didn’t approach her, even though I itched too. “But then again, I had no idea what I wanted at all.” I swallowed hard, but I didn’t shut down the words that seemed desperate to come out of me. “I know now, though, that what I want is you, despite whatever else has happened.”
She bit down hard on her lip, looking at me straight on as she blinked rapidly, and I knew that she was fighting back tears as she heard my words and took them in.