The pain in my chest was still there even after two days with Uncle Leo. I hadn’t slept a damn wink the night before, and last night wasn’t much better. Hence, why I’d found myself out in the backyard this morning, the second the sun came up, gun in hand, hoping it might help a little.
I even managed to keep focused when Ham stepped outside wearing nothing but shorts and sneakers showing off the tattoo that decorated his chest that I never knew he had.
He and Uncle Leo chatted for a few minutes, no doubt about how I’d lost my damn mind—not a total lie.
When Uncle Leo picked me up the other night, I hadn’t even looked back as I ran outside with my bag over my shoulder. Hadley held me while I cried in the back seat, which was only made even worse when Mom threatened to call the police on him if he drove out of the driveway with me. Unfortunately for her, I was eighteen, which made me an adult.
But no matter how angry I was, or how much I wanted to hate her, I couldn’t.
She was my mom.
I loved her so much more than I could ever imagine loving anyone else in this world, and that’s why it hurt so damn much.
Especially to know there was another person out there, someone who I shared half my genes with. Someone who I was never given the opportunity to develop that kind of relationship with. I was never given a chance to be a Daddy’s girl. To have people say things like ‘oh wow, you have your dad’s eyes’ or to feel comfort in his arms when I felt scared. The kind of comfort I get from Uncle Leo when he wraps his arms around me and cradles me against his chest because he’d always been the closest thing I had to a father.
But even then, it wasn’t the same.
I felt ripped off.
I felt incomplete.
It made me want to curl up in bed and be like fuck today, fuck tomorrow, fuck it all, which is how I found myself tucked up in Uncle Leo and Hadley’s bed for the second morning in a row with Macy watching episodes ofMy Little Ponyat 8:00 a.m. Because who doesn’t get happy by watching singing, dancing, flying ponies?
“All those colors make me want to physically vomit.”
I smiled and looked up.
Apparently, Ham didn’t get happy by watching magical ponies either.
“Macy, Hadley’s waiting downstairs to take you to school. Pre-K is calling your name,” Ham announced leaning against the doorway with a cheeky grin.
“I’m not going,” Macy protested, but Ham wasn’t having it. Stalking toward the end of the bed, she watched him with a frown, clutching the comforter to her chest, unsure of what he was going to do, but willing to fight her way out if she needed to. I had no doubts that Macy was going to grow up to be some kind of badass bitch. She’d had these men wrapped around her finger since she was born. “I’m not going. Leave me ‘lone, Hammy,” she warned, but instead of coming out threatening, it was just damn fucking cute. The lisp that used to make everyone ‘aww’ was almost gone now that Macy was getting older, but the innocent way she talked was still cute as hell.
“Macy, come on,” Uncle Leo called from the bottom of the stairs distracting the little girl long enough for Ham to grab the comforter and tug it completely off. Macy squealed, but before she could escape, he dived forward and grabbed her ankle.
“Hammy,” she screeched, but the high pitched sound soon transformed into fits of giggles.
“School time for Macy,” Ham announced again pulling her to the end of the bed, picking her up and tossing her over his shoulder. Uncle Leo appeared in the doorway at the perfect time, and Ham simply flopped a still giggling Macy into her dad’s arms.
He just rolled his eyes and turned to walk away freezing for a moment and looking back over his shoulder. “The two of you… out of my bedroom,” he warned screwing up his nose and eyeing the both of us.
I rolled my eyes. “You’re kidding, right?” He didn’t say anything but just stared at me, as if daring me to challenge him. “Fine! Geez.” I could feel my cheeks flush slightly and hid my face as I climbed out of bed and followed them out into the hallway.
Satisfied, Uncle Leo continued to carry a squirming Macy down the stairs. I jumped when a hand touched my wrist and settling when Ham began to gently rub circles on the back of my hand. My body instantly felt a little lighter, and unconsciously I leaned into his side, my head finding his shoulder.
“Come on,” he urged softly, his arm wrapping around my waist and holding my body against his as he directed us down the hallway. I knew we were going to his room, and my heart started to beat a little faster, my body feeling a rush of heat as we stepped through the doorway and I instantly smelled him—his cologne, his soap, his hair gel. I honestly didn’t know what it was, but it just made me feel like I was in heaven, like nothing else mattered because I had Ham surrounding me, protecting me.
He closed the door behind us as I took a couple of steps further into his room. My eyes trying to take in the space, the posters on the wall, the sparse decorations—nothing like a teenage girl’s room. My walls were covered with pictures, photos, posters, celebrities, unicorns.
Ham apparently liked to keep things simple.
The club insignia hung proudly on the wall beside his bed, and across the dresser were an array of picture frames mostly of him with the old ladies, a couple of him with his brothers. Obviously, gifts. I couldn’t imagine he would have gone out of his way to do that kind of thing himself.
What I didn’t see were pictures of anyone I didn’t recognize.
Where were his family?
The family he had before he joined the club?